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Quiet

I'm a little bit overwhelmed today with the things going on so I've been pretty reserved and keeping to myself all day. Spent majority of the day cleaning around the house with bursts of energy followed by complete lack of energy. Finally got the filing cabinet sorted out with a mess of documents that my dad likes to call "filed" documents...it was more of a conglomeration of very important things mixed in with 1992 tax returns and receipts from my first trip to rite aid for their famous 49c ice cream cones. I knew this would not only take time but also my mind off tomorrow. 
Funeral day. 
There is absolutely nothing to say about the inevitable sadness and difficulty of tomorrow. I just want to make it through the day without a panic attack...everything else I will take on my shoulders and deal as best I can.
I gotta turn in and sleep well. Praying for the sandman to come and let me rest. 

Past and present

My friend and I got on the topic of high school and our experiences and how it's shaped us into who we are today. I'd like to first say that, this is a topic I could go on for days and months. For the purpose of saving time I'll touch on a few examples. 
I had the "pleasure" of having two completely different experiences with high school. One involved complete ridicule and bashing for being poor in a wealthy high school, the other while still not being prom queen or miss popularity, I was accepted and at least left to be ME and still made and kept friends from every clique in the school.
I won't bore you with details and runs down painful memory lane with all the emotional damage left behind by the surreal amount of cruelty I went through in my 3 years of attending a school district that clearly didn't instill acceptance at an early age...if ever. In having this talk with my friend I made a few amazing realizations about myself in how I am now and why I do certain things. One great example: from the time I had my first job I've been obsessed with shoes...not like every girl is obsessed with high heels and the latest greatest shoe...I mean sneakers. New shoes. My shoes stay looking new because i rotate them like jewelry and they never get a chance to get dirty. I never understood why I loved new shoes so much until tonight. We shared stories about all the petty bullshit kids do to one another and I stumbled upon my story about how it got so nicely pointed out to me one day in PE class first week of school in 9th grade that I was wearing the same shoes in gym class that I had worn the previous year in gym class. This may not make a damn different to me in life right NOW, but back then I was humiliated that everyone now knew my family didn't have money to buy new shoes every year for gym class or any other class for that matter. I wanted to dig a hole and crawl so deep into it that I'd never come out. So naturally, as soon as I had my own income, I went for new shoes and never looked back. It amazes me that something so dumb as shoes got buried so deep in my subconscious and emerged as an obsession later in life. 

As if going through body changes and emotional changes and all the other pressures of being a teenaged mess isn't enough, there is this stage in life where you are either the bully that attacks the weak (to save your own ass from being bullied, I may add) or you are that poor kid that is just targeted for ridicule and that target never comes off no matter what you do or how hard you try to fit in. You're too tall. You're too short. You're poor. You're white. You're NOT white. You're white but have a funny last name. Your hair is wrong. Your clothes are wrong. Your patents drive the wrong car. Your parents kiss you goodbye every morning. You don't talk to your parents. You're gay. You're straight. You're bi? What are you?? When is it enough?! Who are these kids that decide who gets to suffer through the hardest part of your life?? It didn't matter what I said or did... I was short, flat, poor, had braces, hated skirts and blow dried hair, played sports, was good at math and science, watched nerdy shows, and snorted when I laughed. I also cried every night, wished some boy..ANY boy would notice me, started not caring about grades, drinking and doing stupid shit just to fit in....and none of it mattered. What I did is make it through. And that's not something every kid can say these days. I don't know the percentages, but a good part of kids turns down the choice of life because it's unbearable. Take it from someone who's sat there contemplating life because it was too much, it's a choice we make every single morning to continue showing up to class every single day, knowing that the same kids will make the same comments and make your experience a living hell. 
If you're a teenager and you are bullied, know that in the end, you are the one that makes it out stronger. If you're a teenager and you ARE the bully, make a difference in your OWN life by making a difference in dozens of lives by accepting peers for people...whatever their deal is. If you're a parent, talk to your kids...if you know it or not, they DO want to talk and they WILL listen. 

At the end of the day, we all go through life with the same goal...to find happiness. Past and present.

Vanquishing Demons

What's that saying about raising more demons than on can vanquish? 
I don't know one person that can truly say they have raised just enough demons. We are all surrounded my internal demons that attack us daily. If you think you've got none, you're either completely delusional or on some really good medication. A lot of us are afraid to even face our demons let alone fight them. As hard as it is, realizing what they are is the hardest step....not letting them rule you is damn near impossible. But when you force yourself to face your fears and conquer them step by baby step...there is no better feeling in the world.

This stupid anxiety will never win the war...it has it's winning battles, but I will never go down without a fight. 
Rough day today but I stood up to it and did what I could...which was more than I expected of myself on a day like this. 

Skin deep

I'm so saddened by the fact that the human race is so shallow as a general whole. Everything is so on the surface for the most part. I guess I should preface by saying that I understand that not every single person is shallow, I do get that. But as a majority rule, people only give a crap about someone else on the surface. Guys pay more attention to a pretty girl, girls pay more attention to a good looking guy or a guy with money. It's the way the sexes are built. I'm thankful I was born with a somewhat appealing body and face, but sadly my parents overdid the milkshake when it came to my brain as well. I understand entirely too much and analyze the life out of everything...and end up feeling completely hopeless for my species. I unknowingly perform experiments on a daily basis to see how guys change their behaviors based on the degree of attractiveness that day. It astonishes me...still. What happened to guys that just like YOU for YOU? Put an attractive picture as your icon on facebook and men turn into dry-humping little chihuahuas. Every sentence out of my mouth turns into a sexual innuendo. Really? Some girls aren't impressed with that anymore...or maybe that's just me? And I can't say that I'm a prude by any means. Maybe that's also partially or wholly the problem. I've always been friendly and pretty flirty. But seriously how dense do you have to be not to distinguish genuine interest from social flirtiness? Maybe it's just LA men. Who knows. All I'm saying is when you first meet a girl show some real interest instead of everything revolving around sex. You're more likely to get laid if you actually show some depth than if you try to get in her pants right off the bat. 

Roots

In the midst of all of life's chaos I've forgotten how nice it is to just be at the beach with my feet in the water. 
Today after an unexpected change of plans we had the entire day to do whatever we wanted. I quickly suggested the beach and I'm so happy I did. 

Aside from maybe dipping my feet into a small river somewhere in complete solitude, nothing compares to the feeling of the crisp ocean water mixed in with sand between my toes. I stood there and looked out into the endless monster not thinking a single thought...for once. 

It was a good break for my head and my body. I got a chance to stretch and do a few yoga poses to try and relieve my lower back pain...somewhat successfully. I'm royally pooped and ready for sleep. 

...and still it hurts to breathe

I've come to realize today that no matter how much we prepare and how many times we lose people in our lives, it's never something you can get used to. The sinking feeling of finding out someone in your family or close friends has passed away will always be a new feeling...every single time. In the past few years I have experienced loss so many time I thought maybe this time it would be less difficult. And yet again, I feel completely side swiped. 
What makes it more difficult? Is it the unexpected element of loss? The age? The circumstance? It's everything. Nothing you do will ever prepare you for losing someone. 
In the last month my family has lost two grandmothers. It was difficult to keep down the loss of my dad's mom a month ago...as she was the grandma I have always gone to in the summers of my youth. She was the one that let me sneak candy, stay up late, hang out in the kitchen while she cooked, taught me how to take care of my grandpa...
I hadn't seen her in nearly 15 years and news of her passing sent me into a silent depression. I said nothing to no one about it. 
Last night we lost my uncle's mom in a tragic accident. Tragic...why do people even bother calling accidents tragic...aren't all accidents tragic?! The rug was definitely swept from under everyone's feet on this one. 
I'm left speechless with nothing to say to my uncle and aunt or my cousins...I'm simply shocked into silence again. I feel completely useless with sadness. I spent the entire day in a cloud trying to make sense. 

I feel like the losses my family has endured the past few years has made me unrealistically numb to everything. I'm sitting waiting for explanations as to why...why we had to let got of my 24 year old cousin...why his mom had to leave us 3 months later...why I lost my biggest influence and mentor 2 more months later...why my friends lost such an amazing soul that lit up every single life he came in contact... now this...two great women who gave their lives to raising huge amazing families. One has seen her own child go before her along with her husband...

I guess this is just the cycle of life. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, death is part of life. A ridiculously difficult to accept part if life. 

I miss you all...


Rest in peace baba Musia