World Market

Oh how I love you...let me count the ways.
The fact that you have various crap I don't need in the shape of monkeys. 
All the lanterns and ornaments I want to put all around my back yard.
The rugs that I spend 40 minutes touching and sniffing only to come to the conclusion I don't really need a rug. Your $15 curtain selection. The candle isle that leaves me intoxicated with various exotic scents. 
All your Christmas ornaments that don't resemble anything but is just so much cooler than your regular grandma ornament. Your wicker isle!! All those dishes and glasses...the entire isle I'm not allowed to walk down with a cart for fear of knocking everything down.
And let's not forget your food isles with all those bottles and cans and bags of things I'd never seen or knew existed but couldn't live without. 
If that wasn't enough, the lovely lady at the checkout counter (who by this time helped us find every single thing we were looking for and then some) hands us gift cards and coupons cutting our end total in nearly HALF!! 
With bags and bags of decor, it's the simple things in life that just make me stupid happy. 

Although physically I felt like I was on another planet today, mentally and emotionally today was filled with laughter and happy times. 
With the help of a dear friend sending me a surprise gag gift in the mail and a best friend who laughs at the stupidest things with me, I think I managed to put back a few years to my life. 

Bottom of the barrel

I'm sure everyone has days where you just feel like complete crap physically which leads to total emotional breakdowns of some sort. Girls, for the most part, will implode with tears and self pity. At least that's what happens to me every once in a (more often recently) while. I hate self pity and I hate feeling like shit just doesn't feel happy at times. 

The fact of the matter is with not feeling well for the past 9 months, anxiety has turned to deep bouts of depression on some days where I fall into a dirt hole and while some days I crawl my way out without getting too dirty, other times I smear the mud all over myself and drive myself further into the hole. 

Truth is, I am not a creature of single status. I need affection and human touch more than I need air sometimes. It's not hard to understand that when you're feeling shitty physically, most days all you really want is human touch that isn't your immediate family. Someone to lay in bed with you and hold your head to their chest while you breathe through one nostril and drool on them because you can't breathe from congestion. Other times you just want to laugh with someone that gets the same stupid jokes you do. Loneliness and feeling shitty physically, definitely don't mix well. It's a cocktail destined for emotional breakdown. 

And so you sit and analyze yourself and your life under a microscope wondering where you made a wrong turn to end up in this situation. The pity and self loathing begins. WTF is wrong with ME that I sit here and cry for no fucking reason feeling sorry for myself. I can't burden friends with all this bullshit because for one, no ONE person can handle it nor deserves to be the one on the receiving end. And for two, it pushes even the closest friends away when you're the asshole that always needs someone to make you feel like you matter in life. So how do you break the cycle? How do you feel loved and worthy without smothering your friends with need for attention? 

How do I even begin wanting a relationship when i can't seem to get out of my hole and feel well enough for someone to want to start anything with me. 

This is about as real as it gets. I'm in a catch 22, stuck between wanting and needing affection to feel well enough to start a relationship to get that affection. 

Something has to give.....

Through thick and "ugh I can't stand you"

"You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time." - Dane Cook

My parents made me think of this today. Granted they are from a different country and cultures are obviously different when it comes to dating, but there's something to say about people who stay married for 35+ years and bicker and argue daily. 
There's nothing they can do at this point. Divorce is just silly in their case and not arguing would be like a heavy smoker suddenly quitting cold turkey. 

I wonder about the new couples that stay in relationships when they clearly both know it's not working nor will it EVER work. There's no shame in calling it quits before you start hating each other. And really, it works in all sorts of relationships. Casual, professional, romantic. Why drag something through dirt just to have it end in chaos? 
I'm only throwing my two cents because I've been there way too many times. I'm a romantic at heart and feel like EVERY relationship is savable...or at least it should be. I will do everything in my power to save something just so I know I didn't give up on something that could have been. When in reality very few relationships are actually worth digging your heels in and fighting for.  

What I'm trying to say is maybe next time instead of having a crazy ex if you let go in time you may end up with a great friend for life.

Best face forward

Millionized eye lashes?? 

Am I missing something in the makeup world or has everyone gotten alopecia   over the last few months? Every commercial for mascara promises more lashes bigger lashes thicker lashes...am I the only one happy with the length, amount and girth of my lashes?! It's getting out of control! I realize I may have longer than normal lashes but seriously, I tried using one of those super duper mascaras and I damn near took off when I blinked. 
When are we going to start accepting what we have and stop trying to enhance every single thing on and in our bodies? Sure I'd like to be better faster stronger, but I'm certainly not willing to augment my body to get there. Nor am I into falsely advertising something I don't have. You won't find a wonder bra in my drawer just because I don't have the perfect size breasts. You won't find 5lbs of makeup on my face just because I didn't get enough sleep or my eyes have dark circles because my body is struggling to intake b12...my point is, everyone wants to look pretty and everyone wants attention and to be desired, I get that. But aren't we focusing on entirely the wrong things when we push physical appeal to such an extreme level? You really think guys notice if your lashes are millionized or your va-jay-jay is bedazzled? They tolerate the crap we do to ourselves enough to sleep with us. Period. Everything else is completely unnecessary.  It's really too bad we can't just smudge on some fresh personality every morning to start the day off right. 

Pure Genius

So today I think I hit rock bottom on the genius scale. If you've ever hung out with me long enough where I answer a completely random question and everyone stops and wonders how the hell I know something so random, you'd know that I'm full of useless trivia. I know things about the most uncommon topics and usually shock even myself when I know an answer. I have no idea where I learn things and why certain facts just stick in my brain. I'm like a sponge. Every time I watch the history channel, discovery channel, health channel, national geographics...I somehow retain 90% of whatever it is I watched. 

So today, in the midst of my pure genius...it hit me why a screw driver is called a screw...DRIVER. I know. It hurt my brain too. Not because it's hard to figure out (obviously) but because I'd actually never thought about it before. I was sitting on te floor putting something together and like fucking lighting, it hit me. Then I just got sad. That in 28 years of life and 20 years of putting crap together, i just never thought about it. 

"What's it matter" you say? I'm a person who loves words and meanings and origins and just knowing things...how something like this word never crossed my mind just made me laugh. 

Anyway. I felt pretty slow today and that made me feel full blown chromosome challenged. I'm guessing the lack of sleep the past few days, coupled with what feels like the beginning of a head cold, is making me use a few less brain cells so I can preserve the few good ones left for more important tasks...like breathing and keeping the ole ticker going.

Thats my story and I'm stickin to it. 

Heavy

Everything that can be, is heavy. My mind, my heart, my limbs. I've never once looked after my own feelings, health, mind, heart...soul. I never knew why until now. It's easier to give a shit about others. Its simpler....at least in my head. You give a crap no matter what...how hard is that to do?? Not very hard at all. It's second nature to me. In fact I think it's first nature to me. I go on blindly in life catering to everyone's needs. Family, friends, hell sometimes strangers. I will give my last smelly shirt to a person that is freezing before considering that "hey, I will be standing right next to them in the same freezing cold..maybe I should rethink this"...no, my instinct (which I clearly never deny) is to strip down and make sure they are safe. Often times I forget to keep thinking...you know, that part about me being ok? Because its...EASY. If everyone else is good, I'll be good. I don't care if I'm actually screaming inside for my own help. I'll BE good. Right? FUCKING wrong!

I've been an idiot for 28 long years. Taking the easy way out of life. Why is it easier for everyone else to put themselves first? Why does it feel like I'm fighting biology and mother earth when I'm for once in my life thinking of ME first?? I'm not talking about blunt selfishness. I mean thinking shit through before I lay down like a fucking doormat in front of everyone. There's a civil war inside me. Some self preserving part of me finally woke the hell up and is trying to suffocate the asshole that's been ruining my life for 28 years.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm staying out of this one. Let that small self preserver do its job. Maybe eventually my first nature will be to self nurture. I'm expecting nothing less than a giant battle field full of bodies sprawled about everywhere. Morbid? Maybe. But what internal battle with nature isn't?

Slowly growing a spine and maybe grabbing a pair of balls on the way.

Note To Self: Sleep

Sometimes I find that sleeping helps normal function throughout the day. Other times, its completely optional. Last night insomnia was in full force. I didn't even feel tired til about 4am, then it was time to convince myself I actually SHOULD try sleeping before the sun comes up. That took all of 2 hours...at which point the sun actually DID come up.

I would have given myself a day pass for not being able to function based on the previously stated fact. But no, I woke up 2 and a half hours later ready to roll. It's a strange feeling...sleep deprivation. All day I felt like it was 3pm until 3pm actually hit and then I felt like it was midnight.

I finally finished doing things around 6, laid down on my bed for a "minute" and woke up 2 hours later.
With a freshly rested head, I manage to do a whole bunch more crap and now I'm completely confused on what day it is and what time of day.
I should probably try laying down for another "minute", see where that takes me.