The last few days (maybe just over a week) things have just been collecting and piling up. I don't mean in the literal translation of the term "things", I mean metaphorically speaking. Mentally, emotionally, and physically shit has just been piled on and I've had a hard time dealing with it and coping with it.
For one, the switch to the Thunder Pearls proved to be a little too harsh on my body. I had to only take it for a week (only getting to 6 pills/day) before my doctor told me to stop everything for a week so I can let my body rest and then go back to Lightning.
Here's what I've felt in a nutshell(ish):
Mentally: While Thunder made me feel hyperfocused and able to conquer the world mentally, I also felt high. Not high as in high spirits, just high like I was up all night smoking crack. Stopping Thunder has resulted in a full comeback of the brain fog. I'm back to pausing when I'm trying to have a conversation with people, and back to forgetting words and connecting my brain to my mouth. It's been supremely hard to get motivated to complete any task, let alone try and complete an entire day of work. Frustration is a really nice word for what I feel in terms of my mental capacity right now.
Physically: I honestly don't really remember what I felt while on Thunder. (I should probably do a better job of journaling so that this doesn't happen). I think I was ok? Although my doctor said that the dark circles around my eyes had returned and with a vengeance when she saw me after being on Thunder for a week. So I'm going to say that while I felt "normal", I probably wasn't. This doesn't mean Thunder is bad. It actually means it's great. It means it works. REALLY well. The presence of dark circles around my eyes means I am fighting something. This time around it means the bacteria is super unhappy that I'm trying to evict it, and in a really forceful way. After this week ends, I am to get back on Lightning to calm my nervous system and then I believe we are back on Thunder at a lower dose. Right now, I'm on nothing and I hate it. Along with the brain fog, the fibro-like pain is back in full force. The lower back pain is back for the first time since before my back surgery. Everything is so inflamed that my body is on full freak out mode. I can't sleep, even though when I do finally fall asleep, I sleep through the night and I sleep well. The falling asleep portion is what I'm really struggling with.
Emotionally: This is by far the worst part. I noticed that while I was on Lightning my overall mood was so much better. I was hopeful. The mood swings were minimal and I was able to cope with emotions way better. I don't think Thunder made a huge difference in that. In fact, I'm pretty sure it helped make it even better. But I wasn't taking it long enough to notice. What's happened since I've been off everything is a complete fucking disaster. For those of you who are able to go through PMS every month, imagine everyday being the day before your period. That's my every day right now. I'm emotional, I'm sad, I'm irrational, I'm all over the spectrum of anger and rage. I am a fucking mess. I understand that the heat in the last couple of days didn't help, but the other day I had a full blown rage attack because people were "in my way" while I was driving. This happened more than one time. Neither time was ..........(I just want to throw it in here that it just took me a full 5 minutes to remember what I was saying and what word I was going to use. I literally forgot what I was thinking mid thought. A glimpse into the daily struggle.).......justified. I'll digress because I forgot where I was going with that.
Alongside the rage and irrational anger and frustration, came the ugly head of depression. Dare I admit that I am falling into it. I hate everything about myself at the moment. I have days where I can't and won't look at myself in the mirror because I don't know who that is looking back. I hate my hair, I hate my skin, I hate my body, I hate my health and I hate that I can't snap my finger and magically make it all change and go away.
Before everyone gets offended, frustrated and sad, please understand that this is not MY norm and this is just an open book of MY thoughts and feelings.
Let me explain it this way: I grew up as a jock. I started out my athletic life at the age of 3 where I was in dance 5 days a week and in gymnastics the other 2 days. I've been sweating and active since then. I've played basketball, softball, ran track, did longs jump and triple jump, played field hockey, ice hockey, derby and trained in gyms and crossfit. I've had an athletic body since.....always. ALWAYS. My norm has always been a lean body and the ability to eat basically everything and anything and maintain my body weight within 5lbs. I've never placed value on body weight or image to be honest. I accept people in every size and shape. I sincerely don't see it, I see people for people and for their soul. Except when it comes to myself. What do we call that? Low self-esteem? Body image issues? or just a lack of coping skills when your body decides to take a shit on you and be so sick that you are unable to do anything you used to? This has left me with over a year of inactivity. My eating habits haven't changed much. I eat fairly healthy with the regular dose of chocolate and ice cream. Why? Because that is what I'm used to. I used to eat junk food daily and maintain the same weight. Now I eat grilled meat, healthy carbs, and veggies and have gained 30lbs. 30 FUCKING POUNDS. Sure it may not seem like a lot to most people, but when an athlete that is used to being 120lbs and 16% body fat is faced with a 30lbs weight gain that puts them into the 28% body fat bracket, all hell comes crashing down. So, yes, the confidence and self-esteem have come tumbling down and self-pity and tears have replaced them. You know how everyone has that one outfit that they can put on and feel like king shit of fuck mountain? I don't have that anymore. Nothing fits and nothing looks or feels like that right now. And that is a kick in the confidence and feelings nutsack.
I don't really know where I'm going with this....there really isn't a point. The idea is that this is reality and this is life. And that's ok. I'm not giving up on anything or crying out for help. I have fantastic support in my life and I appreciate it daily. I guess I just want to show you that no matter what walks of life we come from, we all go through the same pit of hell at some point. The wonderful thing about life is that nothing, absolutely nothing, is forever. The shitty parts pass too. You just have to be patient and give yourself the time to feel it all. And I'm over here just feeling the shit out of all of it.
....til next time.
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