I really didn't want to answer this one because in retrospect, I don't think I've really been "in love" yet. I think I was in lust and in stupid at the same time. And once, I was in love with the idea of being in love with a person, when neither one of us was ready for any of it. I loved a lot of people deeply and unconditionally...which often times wasn't reciprocated.
I'll tell you about the one time I "thought" I was in love.
He may or may not read this, and if he does, I hope he realizes that I'm not being a bitch by saying it wasn't real love. It felt like it, but in fact it was just me letting go of fears and insecurities all in hopes of "feeling" in love.
It was our third time seeing one another and I was trying to be a good girl and go home after a really nice night of spending time together. And I do mean spending time. It wasn't just physical time being spent. We talked and laughed and really connected.
It was very late in the night and I had work the next day and school after work. He had the same.
It was nearly 2 a.m. and it was drizzling outside. It was so cold outside that you could see your breath when you spoke. It was a full moon or nearly full because the sky was bright with moonlit clouds.
He walked me to my car. I unlocked my door and turned around to say good night.
He came in for a hug and I got swallowed by his arms. My cheeks and nose buried between his neck and shoulders.
He came in for a hug and I got swallowed by his arms. My cheeks and nose buried between his neck and shoulders.
I couldn't feel the cold. I couldn't feel the rain. It was as if I was numb to the environment.
I literally felt like I was covered by a blanket of warmth and comfort.
We stood this way, gently swaying and rocking for what felt like hours. Not saying a single word. The world had stopped moving for a few minutes. And it was just him and me.
"I know," I mumbled. "Me too."
He pulled back and looked at me.
"You weren't supposed to hear that," he said.
"You didn't say anything," I replied. "But I felt it."
"We just....fit..." he said as he pulled me closer again.
"We just....fit..." he said as he pulled me closer again.
I guess that's how I knew I may have accidentally fallen for someone. For an instant, we both thought and felt the same thing and the whole universe responded.
He didn't want to let me go and I didn't want to leave.
I always wondered if this was the moment I fell in love, or if this was the moment where I so desperately wanted to be in love.
All I know is, if this was real love, then truly nothing lasts for ever. Because even this couldn't stand the test of time and the hurdles of life.
What's funny is that this isn't even the person I think about when I think of truly loving someone for ever.
Everybody has that one person that will always have some part of your heart no matter where you go or where they go. Or if you even speak to one another ever again.
Maybe he was my true love. Who knows anymore. Not to sound like a wounded bird, but after two consecutive, long-term and very emotionally involving and draining relationships, "love" and being "in love" is the last thing on my mind right now. The scars of betrayal and heart break are so deeply rooted in me that I often wonder if I'll ever allow myself to be in that moment of vulnerability again.
Sad, but surely true.
It takes a strong individual to put up with me and all my insecurities. I'm sure they're out there. I'm just not willing to see them yet.
:)
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