You put the Lyme in the Coconut...

I have to preface this by saying that as I write this, I'm in the middle of one of my worst flare ups and I've been struggling with cognitive issues for about 2 weeks. So if this reads interrupted or out of order it's because that's how my brain has decided to function at the moment.

I will also forewarn you that this will likely be lengthy. I won't be upset if you don't read it, or take breaks while reading. This isn't meant as a cry for help or even for anyone specific to read. It's really just for my own reference because I've found that writing about things usually helps. 

That being said, I'll explain what all that means:

If you've known me in the last 6-10 years or have asked or have accidentally found out that I've been struggling with my health for about that long (probably longer, but the last 6 or so years it's been exponentially harder to handle). You know that I've been having issues with exhaustion, extreme brain fog, unexplained fibro pain, an unexplained B12 deficiency, balance issues, anxiety attacks, panic attacks and that pesky ole short term memory loss. 

In 2010 one single doctor gave a shit and figured out that the reason I was barely able to function was because my B12 levels were extremely low. When I say extremely low, I mean that my levels were at 126 units. For reference, when one's levels are at 300 units, they experience symptoms of dementia. At that point I had visited close to 10 doctors that all told me I was fine and that it was all in my head. I needed to relax and let whatever "virus" pass and to stop being a hypochondriac. One actually told me I should seek psychiatric help. Not that being told you were crazy wasn't helpful, but as you can imagine, when you're so down and unable to function, hearing that it's just in your head sorta threw me into a depression and a basic unwillingness to live. I had no energy to fight for being awake, let alone trying to convince a trusted doctor that something is very seriously wrong. But I digress. ONE of them believed me and at least figured out a symptom that could be somewhat managed. I've been doing B12 injections at home since then. It's helped me crawl out of my hole of, what I felt was, certain death. I was able to get back to working, back to being a social human, back to playing sports and back to working out and generally being a part of society. I learned to deal with all the other symptoms as long as I was just able to wake up, work and have a life. The quality of that life didn't matter yet. 

I won't go into the blessing that is meeting the person that saves your life by simply caring about you....but know that the only real reason I decided to get back to the bottom of what's wrong is because my girlfriend asked me all the right questions and made me realize that "just living" wasn't what I deserved. I deserved to live WELL and feel WELL. All the time. Not just once or twice a year. 

Last year around August I went to see a doctor for the back problems I've been having. In the process of sorting those out (which culminated with lower back surgery) there were loads of blood tests and other tests. On an educated whim, my doctor ordered a Lyme test. Wouldn't you guess it...both tests came back positive. Lyme disease? But how? When? HOW?? 

The minor details of "how" don't really matter. What matters is, I was officially diagnosed with it and it was like Moses himself parted the sea of confusion and everything made so much goddamn sense! And there I was, 2 weeks away from major back surgery with a diagnosis of Lyme in my hand. Like you, I had no idea what Lyme was, let alone how someone deals with it or treats it...? Was there even treatment? Or do I just forego the back surgery and go pick out a casket to eventually be buried in it. Was I supposed to quit my life and lay in bed and cry? Call my previous partners and tell them "I HAVE THE LYME. YOU SHOULD GET TESTED TOO"? WHAT WAS I TO DO??

I did none of those. I did what any normal person would do. I ignored it and decided to get my back fixed first and figure out this Lyme shit later. And so I did. In September(2014) I had my surgery and instantly had relief from my back issues. I was ecstatic. I would have 6 months of rehab and I would be back on skates and enjoying life! Because, obviously, that's what was missing in my life! That was the reason I felt so shitty for so long and when I got it done, I would be back to being ME! 

Wrong. 

I had completely forgotten about that other diagnosis. LYME. 

After a very long 6 months of inactivity and recovery (and 20 or 35 lbs gained....I stopped counting) I thought I would get back on my skates. Reality and humble pie have never gone so well together as it did that day. After 20 mins of skating around, everything hurt. I saw a dark tunnel in my vision, I felt like breakfast/lunch/last nights dinner were about to leave my body and my entire body cramped up. I was done. There was no way I could skate. 3 days after those 20 minutes of skating, my body was still sore. I was still exhausted and all I really wanted to do was lay down and cry. 

It was time. I had to figure out what to do with this bullshit Lyme disease diagnosis. 

I had read so many articles, studies, forums, and medical reviews on the topic at that point that I had panic attacks just thinking about it. Thanks again to my girlfriend, we were able to sort out that I had two options of treatment: antibiotics (which sounded more like chemo) and Chinese medicine. 

Nothing about bombarding my body with HEAVY doses of antibiotics for months at a time (for God knows how many times in my life) seemed reasonable or rational. If I was already feeling like I had zero health, how would destroying my insides with antibiotics help me feel better?! I decided that was not the route I wanted to try. I'm not everyone, and everyone is not me. That was just MY choice. I'm sure that option helps many people. 

I opted for Chinese medicine. I hesitantly went to see a naturopath. She patiently and attentively listened to my laundry list of issues and even joked with me. She then asked me what I knew about the disease and if I'd read about the options for treatment. I blurted out what I remembered (which probably wasn't much because it's a struggle to remember what happened 30 minutes ago, let alone what I've read in the last month) and told her that between the two options, I leaned more towards the herbal option. She tended to agree but still explained to me the options of both. After hours of discussion and explaining everything, we decided on a treatment plan. We both agreed that since I've had all these symptoms for such a long time, it was best to go the aggressive route. (this is where I realized that I've had these problems for far longer than 10 years....and likely was born with it, or got bitten at a very young age).

I'll spare you the boring details of my prescribed regiment of pills and supplements; just know that it looks and sounds intimidating and I've now designated a shelf in the bathroom just for this.

So today I start my Chinese herbs. I'm terrified. I hate medicine. Eastern, Western, herbal, synthetic....I hate it. I'm terrified I'll be allergic to whatever I need to take. I'm terrified I will feel worse. I don't even know if that's a possibility....can someone feel worse than shit on a daily basis? I guess it's time to find out. I'm armed with bottles of water, activated charcoal and fiber supplements in case all hell breaks loose and I need to flush my body. I feel like a helicopter mom....on myself. I hate the anxiety to starting something new. Something that will probably make me better. Probably. Hopefully! 

So there it is. I put my faith into a couple of bottles of tactfully blended dried up herbs. My wellness. My happiness. My life. My BEING. All sitting and patiently waiting to see if this will help. If it will help me get ME back. Someone that laughs. Someone that speaks and thinks like an educated human. Someone that can carry on a conversation without pausing and losing train of thought. Someone that can function past 10pm. Someone that has the physical abilities of a trained horse. Someone that enjoys life. 

I just want myself back. Simple as that.

That's the story. 

I'm prepared to answer questions, lose and gain friends, feel worse and feel better, and most importantly to fight this shit tooth and nail. If not for anything, I hope this helps someone else in any small way.