Today, I confirmed my previous blog. I have no business giving people my utmost kindness until they can show me that they won't stab me in the back or confuse my kindness for weakness. Maybe this packing and cleaning out my literal closets should be taken metaphorically as well.
If you ask my best friend, she'll tell you that a lot of who I am is astrologically predestined. I'm a Cancer. And as one, I will get stepped on, repeatedly, get hurt, wait five minutes and forgive that person. This has been so true for me my entire life. I don't remember a single person I've stayed mad at for longer than a week. Sadly, this has shot my self esteem down to a place where it really shouldn't ever be. Time for me to wipe my metaphorical vag and grow a pair of balls, and GET mad...and STAY mad, or hurt, or whatever it is you're supposed to feel in order to remove the people from your life that continuously prove to you that they simply don't give a rat's ass if they hurt you. Because I'm so forgiving, it takes time for normal hurtful things to even sink in sometimes. I've practiced this little trick for 28 years now. Someone says or does something that hurts me deeply, I miss it because I refuse to believe someone would purposely or accidentally want to hurt me, and then it hits me like a brick wall. I wallow in my hurt feelings for a day, rationalize why someone would have a valid reason to do these things, forgive and forget.
Someone hurt me so badly today with simple words. It didn't mean a thing to me when I heard it and then while driving it suddenly replayed in my head. I felt so crushed, so hurt...so....betrayed as a friend....as a PERSON. I overcame with tears and just let it hurt and let myself feel it.
The people I have met as friends that have been my rock, I now consider my family. And I can honestly say, there is no single FRIEND I have that is worth my tears and my hurt feelings. This time I will forget, but I won't forgive. I'm going through it, cleaning out what's been taking up space, packing it in and moving the hell on.
T minus 3 days til the new house. I need more tape.
HOORAH!!!!!m
ReplyDeleteNumber one, nothing is "predestined" we have a little thing called Free Will, and secondly, I've found "Indifference" works for after many many years of living, as you do, in an emotionally lead philosophy. I "wised up" after a few years of working for a certain company (you know) so i was into my 40's before I consiously decided the only one that matters is my son!! You're a wonderful person Linda, but it's ok to say "no" and not be a bad one. OXOXOX
ReplyDelete