I was initially going to write about hormones...until I once again stepped into a situation where I acted how I normally act.
Many times in my life people have told me that I possess almost unhuman-like strength. I don't mean physical strength. (Although for being 5'3", it even amazes me sometimes the amount of brute force I have). No. This is in reference to my uncanny ability to be the rock, the anchor, and the logic when all shit hits the fan. I somehow remain level and push on when others would simply give up, break down, or worse yet, attempt suicide. It is my best and worst character flaw. I put aside all personal troubles to become someone else's saving grace. I'm not saying this to blow smoke up my own ass...in fact it isn't even something I'm proud of really. I put myself at risk a lot of times, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. A lot of times, when others need the support I step in with complete disregard of how little I have left in my own tank. Most times I'm running on fumes. I crawl through the day emotionally, physically, mentally....and yet if something happens, I seem to find a well of strength somewhere so deep inside me that even I don't know where it is.
I've done this ever since I can remember. There isn't a time where I will say no. There isn't a person I will walk away from and say "I'm sorry, I just can't do this right now". There isn't an ounce of strength I won't give up for someone else to use to get back up, while I collapse. I've neglected my own sanity, my own peace, my own health this long...I have no idea how to do it otherwise.
What I'm coming to realize with this daily anxiety, is that I'm not made of stone...I'm not made of steel....in fact, I'm made of much more fragile material than the average person that comes to me for strength.
I'm not strong. I don't know how to handle every situation. I don't know how to maintain relationship without dependence. I am in fact weak.
My motto is to master my strengths and to respect my weaknesses. And although I have put forth all my will into living this motto....what if I can't separate the two? What if my strength is in fact my weakness? How do I master it and respect it at the same time? How many conflicts will I need to resolve? How many broken spirits will I try to save? How many sad souls will I try to pick up? Until I realize that all those things are just reflections of what is broken, lost and conflicted inside me. I'm tired. On so many levels that there aren't words for them. Emotions. Mental state. Physical. Spiritual. I'm exhausted, empty and....just run dry.
Sounds like you need a friend who's there just for you right now.I have hot chocolate which I serve in tea cups, I'll put together a smashing set of comfort foods with appetizers and you do all the talking or just vegging. How's that sound. Send me a private when You're available! m
ReplyDeletemy other biggest flaw: never allowing myself to be someone else's burden. It all somehow gets resolved inside. Thank you for the offer M, I have an amazing best friend who always listens and lets me unload...just a lot of times this needs to come from inside. Something has to change within me, because I just can't keep doing what I do. Eventually I'll be left empty.
ReplyDeletethank you again.
Linda, you would never be a burden to me. And congrats, you just said no and very graciously. Now I must ask you to think deeply about what I am going to ask you next.
ReplyDeleteDo you think that you might be an Empath? An Empath, while listening to a friend's problems can unconsciously take on their friend's pain as their own, hence the draining. They feel the pain and emotiona as if they themselves are going through it. In severe cases, they can be misdiagnosed as manic -depressive or severely depressed because they are reflecting all that pain and emotion they have absorbed.'To me, it sounds like a possibility that you are an empath.It is a gift, but you must learn how to use,block and refract so that you remain healthy. And if you are, you absolutely must learn how to block that pain so that you can listen, give sound advice and feel satisfied rather than drained and runnnung on fumes.What do you think?m
Remember what our mutual best friend said about having to just turn around on the audience and conduct a symphony ? If u don't , ask her. It's a great anology and it slams things into perspective pretty quickly! Love u poop! Hugs! Xxxx
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, I'm not gonna go all "Dr. Phil" on you and say things like, "The first step in conquering weakness in yourself is to see it" or something dime store-ish like that. Lame.
ReplyDeleteActually though, I was simply reminded of something. A scripture randomly enough: "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27) It's one of my favorite scriptures just because it has always made me feel there is hope in the face of my greatest weaknesses as I turn to God and ask for His help with whatever I'd sincerely like to change for the better.
We can turn our weaknesses into strengths, and yes sometimes our greatest strengths can stem from an inherent weakness. Perhaps the reason we cannot always (or ever?) entirely separate the two is because we do not need to, and there are greater life lessons to be learned this way.
Either way, I deeply admire your honesty and humility in facing the weaknesses you'd like to change. Love you.
*stepping down of soap box*