Acceptance

I watched the news for the first time in months, today. I swear ignorance is bliss sometimes. The news has always been a source of 95% bad news and 5% tainted good news. I was drawn in by a story about a kid in college who committed suicide because he was continuously tormented by his peers about being gay. His roommate walked in on him kissing a man and posted something on Facebook which started an avalanche of abusive comments, taunts and shameless threats.

What's worse, he wrote a suicide status on his Facebook stating he was going to jump off a bridge...and nobody took it seriously.

I'm ashamed to be a part of evolution that has yet to accept people and things for what they are. Who am I to judge anyone else for anything, let alone their sexual preference? Who is anyone else to judge anyone else? And if you feel the need to be insecure about other people's decisions, by all means, judge, discuss, rationalize, preach....but in the privacy of your own head.

I understand that social networks are made to voice your opinions, connect with friends and network with people outside your immediate circle of acquaintances, it's when other people's privacy is being violated and bullies hide behind screens and keyboards, that something should be done. I don't mean that privacy settings need to be changed to coup everything up like its a top secret room in the pentagon. I mean people need to throw around some seeds to grow a better sense of respect, privacy and acceptance for one another.

Rainbows and Unicorns

Lightning bolts and thunder, gorgeous sunset with clouds and such promises of glorious rain....andddd there was nothing. We got 4 drops (I counted) and then it was all over. Such anticipation and build up and no climax. I felt like I should ask to cuddle after that unsatisfactory performance. At least it got cooler? Nah, no chance of that either. It was 90 degrees, 200% humidity...I thought I'd been transplanted to Miami.

Ah, Miami, how I miss those down pours in the middle of the night..and day...in the middle of scorching heat. I got spoiled in the one week I was there. Anyway, I digress. The attempt was well welcomed. Maybe next time we actually get some rain.

Phew, long day behind me. It was a nice way to enjoy some great soup for dinner with even better company. This time rainbows, next time...unicorns?

Core Values

Your Daily Horoscope

Your intuition is working overtime today, Cancer, making you sensitive to others' deepest emotions. It may be that the celestial atmosphere has everyone feeling open and honest, eager to grow into his or her most authentic self. Certainly that's how you feel. Take some time out of your busy schedule to reflect on your regrets and successes. Be as true to yourself as possible.

Well, if there was ever a time I didn't believe in astrology. today, this would convince me otherwise. It's amazing how exact this is. I am, in fact reflecting on my regrets and successes. Although I don't necessarily believe in regrets, I do believe in learning from where I've gone wrong in the past. And let's face it, sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. I made a big decision today in cleansing my core circle of friends. It's one thing to have friends who you can honestly say you will do ANYTHING for (and mean it...down to donating an organ or two just so you two can laugh at the scars later) but its a whole new story when you feel you give yourself 100% percent and receive 40%....at best. I'm not one for expectations, but you have to sometimes sort through and make sure you aren't being down right used and abused. Sometimes you carry such a heavy load of care that you forget to look through it and see if it still needs to be there, ya dig?

And so it is. Skimmed and low fat...the core that is. Staying as true as possible to ME.

Meeeemories....of the way we weeeere

Of course the natural thing to talk about would be the absolute inhumane heat that Los Angeles managed to live through today. But to be completely honest, it was just another hot ass day. Anything after about 90 just feels like hot coals wrapped tightly around your entire body. A/C on...ready for the enormous bill at the end of this heat streak. 

I'm more excited about the fact that I finally got to see my favorite person today. Stuff is just funnier, stores are more fun to shop in, the heat is less scorching, and watching House is that much more fun. We unpacked all of 5 books and read through 7 of them...4 of which were my old year books. We sat on my bed eating Chinese food, drinking ice cold sprites, surrounded my 10 years of memories, snorting from laughter. Aside from how old I felt looking back and reading all the little notes, it was a nice jog through high school memories good and bad.
Thank you for being the otter pop to my absolutely smoldering day. I truly have the best friend anyone can ever ask for. 

...and then

I'm not gonna ask "what else you got for me?" for fear that the universe may actually answer back with something more. 
Since about November of last year I stopped playing hockey and skating all together because during one particular pick up game with guys WAY more advanced than me, I got checked into the boards (accidentally I'm sure) and came off the ice limping. I didn't pay much attention to it as I gave up the right to bitch about pain when I decided to take up the sport. I continued skating my 2 minute lines for the next 45 minutes in complete agony. After that game I went on the ice one last time a week later thinking my quad was all better only to find out I couldn't push off my right leg after only 10 minutes on the ice. It was during that time that I also started feeling so crappy with what I later found out was a B-12 deficiency. So I stopped skating and playing all together. In fact I had abandoned my work outs, walks, hikes, biking....pretty much all exercise and strain on any part of my body. 

In getting B12 shots and starting to feel better with my anxiety getting under control recently, I've done my small share in trying to get back into some form of activity. I've had this pain before and chucked it up to just being pain from not using my muscles enough. Well, during this move, I think I've pretty much confirmed that it's not just good ole rusty pain...there is something seriously wrong with my quad. I literally sat on the floor last night in my newly arranged room and cried from excruciating pain. All day today I spent in pain trying to compensate for the lack of strength in my right leg, causing my lower back to act up...again.

First things first, yes I'm setting up an appointment to clear up if it is in fact a micro tear of the muscle like everyone with a medical degree in my family seems to think it is. Which is not a fucking walk in the park to deal with. Best case scenario is physical therapy. I'm crossing fingers it's just that. As much as I'd like to just ignore this completely and make it disappear I just don't think its gonna happen. 

I'm sick and tired of the health issues this year. Can this year just be over?! I'd like to see about returning 2010 as it has brought nothing but absolute crap. 

On a bright note, I saved 15% on my car insurance by calling Geico....no not really, but that would be nice. 
I'm gonna take my Quasimodo ass to bed now. Tomorrow is another day. A hot one too. Maybe I'll finally get to see my best friend again. Life blows when you don't see them for almost two months. 

Everything but the kitchen sink....

There has to be a solution to moving the small things that remain after you've come through with a giant truck and lugged away all the furniture and million packed boxes. You're left with what I call the "gypsy boxes". Half "closed" boxes, purses stuffed with everything from cat toys to random spoons to that weird ashtray/plate I made in the fifth grade in ceramics class that everyone knows is ugly but my mom won't throw away because her little baby made it...
All this crap takes up so much space that you have to make 5 separate trips in your car just to finally decide to throw it all away. 
This, by far, is the worst part of moving. Oh and did I mention it's 105 degrees today? Ya. I'm calling it quits, turning on the a/c at home and taking a nap.

D-Day

95% done. I would like to create a new word for tired, but I'm too tired to think of one. I know one thing, after tomorrow I will need a serious day of beauty and pampering. There needs to be buffing, sanding, plucking, waxing, masking, soaking, bubbles...the works.
I can play connect the dots with the bruises on my legs and I can find every single color of the house SOMEWHERE on my body. Physically tired but feeling good. Looking slightly used although of all days, today I was told I'm "really pretty" 5 times that I counted. It certainly confused me as I actually utter the word "ugh" when I looked in the mirror. But, God bless their little souls for making me smile. I'll take a compliment any day, but especially today.

Moved, somewhat arranged, slightly unpacked, showered and fed. Its time to test out this room....for sleeping abilities.

Two for one.

Physically spent today. It's the most amazing feeling to be physically exhausted. Every muscle in my body is sore but it feels great. This massive headache isn't too exciting but that will go away as soon as I close my eyes.

I'll be short today. (I'm actually short every day, but I can't help genetics).

9:00am moving truck pick-up. I need my sleep so I can properly pass out from the move tomorrow. As soon as I can unpack my brain in the new place, I will give you all some food for thought. For now, all I got is wondering all day how old I've gotten...mostly because I don't understand the music kids listen to these days. Was mainstream music always dictated by teenagers or did I just get old and not realize it? Back when I was a teenager did people my current age listen to the same stuff?? I remember Zeppelin always being popular...or at least known by my peers...ask any kid now who Led Zeppelin is and they stare blankly at you.

Anyway, that's all I had today.

the sandman comes....sleeeeeeeeeepp

One of those days

I'm so tired I can't think straight. And yet...my brain won't let me sleep either. Everything is packed to the ceiling with boxes. My room is empty, the walls are bare. I feel like my personality and character got packed away as well, stacked on top of the box with the breakables.

I have cuts on my hands, fingers, feet, arms. Bruises up and down my legs. I twitch when I see cardboard. Tomorrow I get to go paint a room.

Suffices to say, I'm so ready to get shit MOVED. I'm cranky, tired and not sleeping. And somehow, today was actually a good day. Go figure. Maybe it's because for the most part, I left my phone in my room on silent. This is new to me.

Sandman, come.

Fall Cleaning

Today, I confirmed my previous blog. I have no business giving people my utmost kindness until they can show me that they won't stab me in the back or confuse my kindness for weakness. Maybe this packing and cleaning out my literal closets should be taken metaphorically as well.

If you ask my best friend, she'll tell you that a lot of who I am is astrologically predestined. I'm a Cancer. And as one, I will get stepped on, repeatedly, get hurt, wait five minutes and forgive that person. This has been so true for me my entire life. I don't remember a single person I've stayed mad at for longer than a week. Sadly, this has shot my self esteem down to a place where it really shouldn't ever be. Time for me to wipe my metaphorical vag and grow a pair of balls, and GET mad...and STAY mad, or hurt, or whatever it is you're supposed to feel in order to remove the people from your life that continuously prove to you that they simply don't give a rat's ass if they hurt you. Because I'm so forgiving, it takes time for normal hurtful things to even sink in sometimes. I've practiced this little trick for 28 years now. Someone says or does something that hurts me deeply, I miss it because I refuse to believe someone would purposely or accidentally want to hurt me, and then it hits me like a brick wall. I wallow in my hurt feelings for a day, rationalize why someone would have a valid reason to do these things, forgive and forget.

Someone hurt me so badly today with simple words. It didn't mean a thing to me when I heard it and then while driving it suddenly replayed in my head. I felt so crushed, so hurt...so....betrayed as a friend....as a PERSON. I overcame with tears and just let it hurt and let myself feel it.

The people I have met as friends that have been my rock, I now consider my family. And I can honestly say, there is no single FRIEND I have that is worth my tears and my hurt feelings. This time I will forget, but I won't forgive. I'm going through it, cleaning out what's been taking up space, packing it in and moving the hell on.

T minus 3 days til the new house. I need more tape.

The great wall of Exs

You know when you've been in a relationship where you are completely honest with the person and broke down all the walls you ever built (or maybe you entered without walls)...whatever the case may be, when the relationship you thought was supposed to be reciprocated ends up being nothing short of brutal...you tend to build bigger and better walls.

I've come to accept the fact that my last relationship did just that. I came into it blindly, made sacrifices to be in it, did things I usually wouldn't do just for the sake of making someone happy, I had no guards up, didn't drag any baggage and became someone I didn't recognize in the end. From the point that it ended I became a different person. Some parts of ME as a person returned to my true self. Unfortunately, there are a lot more parts of me that got destroyed that I liked a lot better before they got tainted.

Its sad to say that one person's actions can really dictate how I interact with people now, but it's true. It really takes a lot for someone to break down some walls and really get the same core that someone once had without a fight. For lack of a better word, I've become a bitch. For anyone that's known me before that breakup you know exactly what I mean. I can't exactly say that I'm ashamed or reluctant to say that I have become more difficult to deal with. I've simply stopped giving people the opportunities to break my spirit before they have the honest right to even KNOW it. Its a form of armor I suppose. Your trust must now be earned, whereas before I'd trust blindly until proven otherwise. I get how this is not the best way to approach friendships and relationships, but at least I stay true to my biggest virtue...honesty. I'll be honest with you and tell you that I trust you about as far as I can throw you. I'll be honest and say that once you earn my trust, you find a different person inside.

I'm like a giant snowball that rolled down a hill of dirt. Yeah its dirty and has pebbles in it, but underneath is a fresh layer of pure white soul. A lot better than just finding a rock covered in dirt, no?

Guess my point is, if I come off as abrasive its because I'm tired of putting myself in a position for getting crapped on for my kindness. Time for people to put in a little work to get the real me.

p.s. no this isn't a recent breakup lol it's just taken me this long to realize that ONE person stuck the biggest stick into my wheel of life. I crashed, got up, dusted myself off and got myself a new bike to roll in...this time with spikes :)

Calm

There's a lot I want to say. A lot I want to write about. But none of it is ready yet. I think I've spoken a total of 10 sentences today. I'm sure we have all been there before where your mind just wants to be blank. I simply want a night of no deep thoughts, no jokes, no witty banter. I'm taking a mind day. Hope everyone has a great Monday.

I will say this, I missed watching Sunday night football. I'm going to try to make it a point to do that more often from now on. And my obsession is back tomorrow night. Brand new episode of House, M.D....that makes me happy.

Strength and Weakness

I was initially going to write about hormones...until I once again stepped into a situation where I acted how I normally act.

Many times in my life people have told me that I possess almost unhuman-like strength. I don't mean physical strength. (Although for being 5'3", it even amazes me sometimes the amount of brute force I have). No. This is in reference to my uncanny ability to be the rock, the anchor, and the logic when all shit hits the fan. I somehow remain level and push on when others would simply give up, break down, or worse yet, attempt suicide. It is my best and worst character flaw. I put aside all personal troubles to become someone else's saving grace. I'm not saying this to blow smoke up my own ass...in fact it isn't even something I'm proud of really. I put myself at risk a lot of times, mentally, emotionally, and eventually physically. A lot of times, when others need the support I step in with complete disregard of how little I have left in my own tank. Most times I'm running on fumes. I crawl through the day emotionally, physically, mentally....and yet if something happens, I seem to find a well of strength somewhere so deep inside me that even I don't know where it is.

I've done this ever since I can remember. There isn't a time where I will say no. There isn't a person I will walk away from and say "I'm sorry, I just can't do this right now". There isn't an ounce of strength I won't give up for someone else to use to get back up, while I collapse. I've neglected my own sanity, my own peace, my own health this long...I have no idea how to do it otherwise.

What I'm coming to realize with this daily anxiety, is that I'm not made of stone...I'm not made of steel....in fact, I'm made of much more fragile material than the average person that comes to me for strength.

I'm not strong. I don't know how to handle every situation. I don't know how to maintain relationship without dependence. I am in fact weak.

My motto is to master my strengths and to respect my weaknesses. And although I have put forth all my will into living this motto....what if I can't separate the two? What if my strength is in fact my weakness? How do I master it and respect it at the same time? How many conflicts will I need to resolve? How many broken spirits will I try to save? How many sad souls will I try to pick up? Until I realize that all those things are just reflections of what is broken, lost and conflicted inside me. I'm tired. On so many levels that there aren't words for them. Emotions. Mental state. Physical. Spiritual. I'm exhausted, empty and....just run dry.

Not forgotten

I realize I didn't post last night. I was so exhausted after a full day of packing, going to home depot for $200 worth of paint, burning a giant box of old documents, all the while having major anxiety attacks throughout the day. When I finally got back into my room, I collapsed on my bed and wanted nothing to do with a computer.

Hoping today will be a little easier on me.

Aggression

I found myself in a debate the other night in regards to aggression. I won't say with whom, because I fear I may actually get my ass kicked for it....or not. I'd probably just get a piercing glare!

I was involved in a situation recently at the Sunset Strip Music Festival, where while walking back to the car some drunk guy belligerently ran by me and my best friend and yelled out some profanity followed by "BITCH!". Before I go on, I want to preface by saying that I've never denied having a short temper. My fuse is long, but once its burned out, the explosion is big and I find myself looking for cover from what's about to happen. My buttons can be pushed for hours before I actually go off on someone... It's also not a hidden fact that I dislike big crowds and drunk people. So I bring forth the story once more: long day of rowdy drunk crowds put together with long lines for WATER, throw in the idiot that decides to smear the icing on the cake by yelling out something disrespectful...

Usually, someone like this gets zero attention. On a bad day may get a glare....this night, I stopped in my tracks, turned around and yelled back "what the fuck did you just say?...better yet, why not come back and say it to my face, unless you're a scared little pussy" to which he responded with more drunken slur and ran off like the little bitch that he was. I thank the gods that made me tired enough that night to not sprint over to him, kick him square in his balls and walk away without saying a word.

The disagreement I had with my friend upset me more than the actual situation. She explained to me that this was a violent response that I had and that people should chill out more. The guy was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I completely disagree. I am the least violent person you'll meet. I have been in a single fight in my life...where I punched a girl out after being harassed on a basketball court for nearly 3 quarters...again...fuse had burned out by that time.

I find it funny that when a girl stands up for herself (or for both of us in this situation) its taken as violence. If a guy rubs up on me at a club and grabs my ass, I certainly either expect the man I'm with to at least confront the dude, or if I'm with my girls, one of them to stand up for me....because if I step in, there won't be talking, there will be punching. I have zero tolerance for people being disrespectful and getting away with it. Its when people laugh it off or chuck it off to them being drunk that perpetuates the problem. Then they end up running into someone like me and have a limp for a week because their scrotum is now an ovary.

I will never resort to violence before thinking it through and making sure that is my one and only option...although driving in Los Angeles, the road rage does get to the best of me at times where I lose my sense of reality...that I am indeed a 5'3" GIRL that probably couldn't take on a 6'3" dude. It doesn't stop me from puffing out my chest and going balls to the wall without fear. Also not a smart thing.

I like to think of myself as one of those tiny annoying chihuahuas that make a giant mess with their barking and nipping at the ankles. Nobody seems to mess with them....although I'm sure everyone shares the sentiment of wanting to punt them as far as you can.

Maybe I should stop barking if I don't want to get punted.

Anger? maybe....violence? not so much.

Sometimes I'm a hypocrite...other times I'm not.

Sorry to disappoint, this blog won't be too funny. While packing I had a lot of time to think and marinate things I've been through in life and the experiences I've had and the people I've been with and met. What did I ponder?

Monogamy. 

Who can honestly say that they are completely comfortable with being with ONE person and to boot…for the rest of their lives?? Call me what you like but the thought of being with one person offends me. It makes no sense to me that ONE person, one PERSONALITY can keep your attention for the rest of your life. Maybe this means I haven’t found that person yet, but I find it hard to believe that they exist. I will fully admit to the fact that I’m hard to stimulate and people have to jump through hoops to keep my attention. I’m like a kitten. I like to play with pretty much anything shinny but I lose interest quickly if it stops being shinny. I’d have to find one extra special shinny toy that keeps me entertained long enough to stop my ovaries and my mother from asking for babies. How do you reach a point of comfort with someone without being absolutely bored out of your mind, or worse yet, feeling like that person is only trying to make you into something you aren’t. 

The bottom line is, someone would have to understand and accept the fact that I’m easily distracted and although I’d never want to cheat on anyone, I’d have one hell of a time trying not to if I was just not feeling it anymore. Ironically, knowing this about myself doesn’t at all make me comfortable if someone I finally cared enough about told me the same in return. So what does that make me? A hypocrite? A bitch? Or just recognizing who I am and putting it out there blindly to see who will accept me as a whole….one giant mess of contradictions and hypocrisies.

Ch-ch-ch-CHIA!

So, I'm sitting outside talking to a mutual friend of ours today...I can't really disclose the name as this may damage her career as a stripper, but I'll say this...her name starts with a D and rhymes with Madonna...come to think of it, she's even in the same business. She doesn't really look like her though. She's shorter, has prettier teeth, and has a lot more tattoos and piercings...and her hair is a little different...but like I said, I can't really disclose her name. So we're sitting there talking about the trials and turbulations of life and how you always seem to get a flat tire on your Cadillac when you least expect it. So naturally, our conversation goes towards our...um...jay-jays....hoo-has...choles....chinas...whatever you may call it. I just call it a vagina. (Lena, get over it, that's what the anatomy book calls it and that's what I'll call it!)

So this Didonna tells me how she's randomly decided to stop maintaining the lawn and wants to play a joke on the uh...gardening crew, by going in for a waxing apointment in a few weeks (if you're a girl you know by week 2 or 3 this is no longer a lawn, it is now a full blown weed garden!) and asking them to take it all off! She plans on walking in and proclaiming that she JUST shaved yesterday and its now THIS! Then asking if they think waxing will do the trick for a few days longer....

I don't know what I find more upsetting, the fact that I am allowing a dear friend to grow a pet, or the fact that I didn't think of doing this first! I must be off my game. I've also been threatened with a random text image of this "afrobush"....I think I may have to reconsider my friendships. After all, you are the friends you keep?

GROW ON my furry friend! I am behind you....for as long as I can still see behind you...then you're on your own.

Oh ya, and today I start packing. JOY!

...and now I want a Chia pet...can you grow yours into a turtle!?

I. WIN.

It only goes to show that if you bang your head against the wall hard enough and long enough, eventually you get what you want. We got the house we wanted. We are getting the money back we asked for...and we are moving the fuck out of this place. I admit the battle was hard and my anxiety only got worse. Yesterday was a disaster for my body and brain. But reading that email this morning made me smile. "To whom should I make the check out?" Victory is sweet.

Personal note: As I'm sitting watching "Hoarders" on TV and getting chills down my spine, I looked past my TV and look at my guitar. Which has been hanging on the wall, lonely and abandoned for close to 5 months now. When I started feeling really bad in March and April, I stopped my lessons and rarely had the energy to pick it up and practice. Tonight, I shut the TV off, dusted the guitar, tuned it, and decided to learn "Billionaire". Two hours later, I'm sitting on my bed, humming "...the world better prepare....oh when I'm a billionaiiiire..." to my cat. She didn't run away....actually, she didn't even wake up. I take that as I good sign.

Feels good. I have a new interest in life again. This round goes to me...with the help of my happy pills.

New School

In watching MTV's video music awards I not only wondered how they can even host VIDEO awards (since the last time I actually saw a video on MTV was about 15 years ago) but I also wondered what the hell happened to music?! All day I listen to my extensive iTunes library which consists of a wide range of music from classic to heavy metal...then I switch on the tv and actually want be deaf for those two hours because aside from maybe Lady GaGa, there is absolutely zero talent out there!

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse, the queen of pitchless talent graces the stage. Taylor Swift...somebody please do this teenybopper a favor and give her a bad case of laryngitis for a few years. I'm no singer nor do I claim to be one, but damn if I can't keep a tune better than that! Seriously, who was stupid enough to validate this poor girls delusional dream of being a pop star!?

Just pains me to see how much crap is out there and how many truly talented musicians are thrown to the curb without even a chance at making it. This business really is fucked up sideways.

On a more personal note: today was about a 2 on that glorious scale. Kinda wishing I was drunk...at least then I'd have alcohol to blame for this immense dizziness. You win this time buspar.

As always, tomorrow is another day. Love and laughter to you all.

Guns blazing.

"In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying".  - Bertrand Russell

This came up as the quote of the day on my little widget on my page....couldn't be more ironic for all the crap that is going on since shit hit the fan with this landlord and her complete negligence of a serious rat and mold issues.

Today, I wanted to share the idiocy of an email thread between me and our landlord. Then I realized it's way too long and it actually might send people into epileptic seizures, as reading her responses to my requests is like reading a Dr. Seuss riddle when someone asks you how to solve a math problem. This woman speaks like a seasoned sales person, answering questions with questions and telling you things she wants you to hear while completely avoiding the issue. As a friend read my emails to this woman, she asked if she was indeed a sales person to which I replied "her email address is TupperwearSasha...I'm guessing I'm not only gonna lose this battle but I just may come out of this with a 500 piece set of SNAP'ON pink and purple little tubs!"

I'll just say this: there's no f*cking way I will let the universe allow this injustice to keep occuring...at least not to my family. I will fight this c*nt hair til the last moment before collapse, and I will win....or I will send her a rat via FedEx Priority Overnight sprinkled with some mold spores.

This day is done.

Left. Over.

I really want to get to the bottom of why I really dislike mashed potatoes that aren't freshly made. For how much a person absolutely LOVES mashed potatoes, if its not fresh from the pot I can't eat them! I'm talking leaving it out for an hour! If they get below the temperature of where they are smooth and hot...it just doesn't taste right again.

I find it absolutely disturbing because I always want left overs but am constantly disappointed.  This must be resolved.

Today was a good day....aside from eating last night's mashed potatoes.

just a thought

I want to dip into a touchy subject for a minute. If you're at all offended by sexuality, you should go ahead and stop reading now. If you find yourself giggling every time the word sex or any sexual body part is mentioned, this one's for you. I don't know if it was my fairly lax upbringing where sex was neither mentioned nor prohibited, but I grew up somewhat open and free to talk about sex and all it entails. My mom found out I was sexually active by....wait for it....ASKING me. I calmly replied with a "yes" and a "don't worry we use protection". Nobody in my immediate family ever sat down and talked about sex or our sexual experiences. It was always one of those things where the less my parents knew the better they were off. Because, really, no matter how much your parents want you to be open with them, there is no need to discuss details of sexual experiences and why you’d do them again or run for the hills.

So this posed a question in my head. Am I a pretty sexually open person because I was never badgered about it or would I turn out the same way (or worse) had I been punished for being open about it? I don’t blush when someone asks me a personal question about my sexuality and I don’t shun people when they tell me about theirs. As humans, we are here to eat, poop and procreate…so what’s the problem?  We are no different than animals. We just have more brains to use and we are thoroughly confused on HOW we need to use them.  How can a species with such giant thinking machines installed think that attraction works on one parallel? Man attracted to woman and vice versa. Ok, so maybe we KNOW that attraction doesn’t work quite as linear as that, but it certainly isn’t an accepted thought that we may stray from that concept and find attraction in the same sex. Furthermore, how does it make sense that a woman is now able to more freely say that she is bisexual and it is accepted and if a man proclaims the same, he is just plain ol’ gay.  Why would anybody want to limit their chances at love and true connection by specifying that they only accept one sex as a possibility? I never thought about labels and calling myself bisexual or gay…I’ve always just had an open mind. I would never run from a feeling about someone if they happened to not fit the socially accepted sexual mold for me. What if the person across the room that caught my eye happens to be a woman? Why would I risk not meeting someone that can potentially give me everything I want and make me happy, just because they lack a penis? I find men and woman equally as attractive in a million different ways. There are things that women can never replace in a man and the other way around. It actually hurts my brain to think that people are scared to be open and just TRY something that’s outside their comfort box.

You have to understand that this isn’t meant as a gay rights push. People who are “religiously against” gay and lesbian couples will never WANT to understand this argument, let alone actually listen and take something away from it. This is for the people who are afraid to explore their sexuality because society thinks its taboo. Last time I checked, happiness wasn’t taboo…and how will you know who makes you happy if you walk away from them simply based on their equipment.

Do yourself a favor, next time someone smiles at you, smile back…don’t stop and check for proper parts first. But if you do, check for size ;)

Lightning Crashes

Ever find yourself wondering where to begin, because there is so much going on at once? No? You lie.

Today seemed like it was just trying to see how far it can go before I either punched a random person on the street or jumped out my second (sinking) floor window. I'll spare the minor details of all the chaos of today and just say that I somehow made it without doing either. Although, my best friend may beg to differ, as I poured out self pity, depression and all kinds of unnecessary blabber...in the end, I took my happy pills and they did their job. I am now comfortably numb from the gargantuan weight that is constantly on my shoulders.

So what if my cat now has a million furry friends that leave potentially poisonous droppings in every corner of the house? Screw it all; we pack, and move. Good riddance. I was getting tired of picking up the annoying neighbor's dog crap off our lawn every morning. For all I care, this house can sink and collapse all on it's own, I certainly don't need to witness it. Although, it would be fun to tell the landlord "I told you so" to her face. The search begins.

On a brief side note, I found my wallet. I won't say where because I'll never hear the end of it ;) All you gotta know is my empty bank account is now safe again!

Speaking of empty wallets, I would like to wish my favorite Jews a Happy New Year. Way to pick a random day in the middle of the year! As a matter of fact I'm thinking of converting. I like the idea of taking religious holidays off work along with the days we get off with the Christian bunch. Shana Tova, MoFos.

It's About That Time

I've had this profile for almost two and a half years...I think it's about time to start using it. I've always had something to say, so why not start putting it out there. Some things will be exciting, some will be completely boring. Some things may piss you off, and others may have absolutely no meaning. I will do my best to write daily even if its one sentence.

I apologize in advance for any foul language, harsh opinions, pure bluntness, and take full credit for any random brilliance.

Today?

I'm at my wit's end with this anxiety battle. In an effort to not become an addict, I decided to switch from Xanax to a daily happy pill. In order to do so, I needed to stop Xanax. Its been 10 days without anything and I'm feeling like life is upside down again. Dizziness, weakness, imbalance, and a complete collapse in my energy and state of emotional and mental being. All brought on by constant high levels of anxiety...caused by? God knows what.

New drugs start tomorrow morning. Side effects? Dizziness, nausea and headaches....guess that's a step above the dizziness, and migraines I get now. One day the trade off between the good and the bad will make sense to me, but not today.

Tonight I'm missing yet another show because I simply can't find my place in the X and Y axis on earth. As much as I would LOVE to be at the Troubadour getting some much needed ear damage, I am going to eat, drink tea and lay down to watch some more House MD. Fingers crossed that the first dose tomorrow morning won't make me too discouraged from getting through the first few weeks of new meds.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being a good day, today is a 4....not quite "meh"

-LD