Eggs, chicken...um...food?

Either I've taken too many hits to the head (entirely possible) or this happens to more than just me.

For some odd reason I never seem to want to compile a list of things I need to get at the store, thinking I couldn't possibly forget it. But guess what happens as soon as I put my hands on the cart and wheel myself into a grocery store?

I get shopping amnesia.

I forget every single item I needed to buy, walk around aimlessly picking up what I think I may need.

I get home, unload the bags and realize I got 1 item I needed and the rest is still missing...but I did get 45 other things I never knew I was missing.

Do I learn from this?

Absolutely not.

I've been going to the store to pick up Red Wine Vinegar for the past 6 grocery trips.

A Brief LA sighting.

After being gone from the hells of Los Angeles for nearly a month, I had to come back to get some more things and well....quite frankly to stir up some shit.

I gathered my absolute favorite vaginas (my two cousins and my best friend) and went out to dinner.

A rowdy one.

I know the Sagebrush Cantina is no stranger to large groups of over-caffeinated mid 20s bimbos...but lets face it, none of us were even remotely caffeinated, in our mid 20s and definitely not bimbos, but we made sure to leave our mark.

I started off by telling the girl that took us to our table to slow her damn roll because that hobag took off to the table like she was wearing skates and left all 4 of our old asses in the dust, wondering where the hell our table was.

After a few drinks (the rest of the crew, not me...I had a story to tell and I couldn't possibly dilute it with alcohol), and two plates full of the least carbed thing on the menu--the "oriental" chicken salad and some chicken skewers--it was 2 and a half hours later and I was hungry again. But that's beside the point here.

We lost one crew member to what I think is absolutely lameness (she claims it was tiredness due to "working" all day) whatever....so the cousins took off to what was sure to be an adventure in West Hollywood.

We were going to club hop til our flip flops couldn't handle it anymore!!

Yeah we were in flip flops....clearly this wasn't premeditated.

We drove the fun and hilly 18 miles to WeHo...passed a few of our "regular" clubs that had lines clearing a few corners, looked at one another and kept driving.

Yes. We drove to WeHo.....that was the adventure. Whatever! You call us old and lazy, we think it was a wise decision seeing as how none of us were dressed up to par and there was no way in hell we would go into a club and not get hit on at least 3 times...and that wasn't about to happen...with flip flops.

Instead, we went to one of our houses and sat talking on the couch for a few hours and laughed until we couldn't laugh anymore and dispersed into the darkness of the night.

this is how I do Los Angeles. With an Eff You to the lines at clubs, and 2 and a half hour dinners with the best people in the entire county.

Suck it LA.

Not Quite Meg

I don't know what they feed her or what they do...but good God she's ridiculously good looking.

P.S I Hate You

After an 18 year old long abusive relationship, I've left Los Angeles.

Sorta forgot to mention it in hopes that it wouldn't realize I was gone and start drunk dialing me in the middle of the night asking me to please come back and it would try harder.

It's awkward and no new city wants to deal with that kind of baggage.

It's hotter than the surface temperature of Mars (I'm assuming), and the people here are filled with hopeless dreams of overnight success, but you really can't beat the strange serenity of Las Vegas.

As soon as I get used to driving 10mph slower than my lead foot wants me to drive, I'll start appreciating the open freeways and lack of jackass drivers on the road. For now, I am the jackass. Sorry Vegas....old habits die hard.

Ransom

I wonder what magazines and newspapers they use to cut out the letters for ransom notes.

This Cosmo magazine is totally not working.


Just sayin.

iBitch

Dear Apple iPhone makers,

My pathetic iPhone 3GS is on it's last leg. I've taken it to the depths of all waters (twice...salt and fresh), dug it out from sand pits, experimented with different velocity and distance drops several times per day. Texted my way out of a fully charged battery within a matter of hours. Kept myself thoroughly entertained with Pandora radio at the gym. Chucked it in anger.... It has been one hell of a trooper.

Now my battery is tired. Without use the poor thing lasts a few hours. Applications quit without warning. And it seldom wants to play with me.

Why do I have to cough up $100 to cash in my "FREE" upgrade? I've been an AT&T customer for 15 years and have gone through at least 10 phones with more than 4 lines active at all times.

Throw a mofo a bone...I don't WANT to part with this brick. To be perfectly honest I'd be happy with one that just works like this one used to, but you insist on making new phones every 3 days so I have to conform.

Because of you, I will have separation anxiety when this bumble bee has to be retired.

Totally not ok.

Sincerely,

Me

Insomnia

There's something to say about your sleeping patterns when your normal "make me sleep" pill with the addition of TWO attempts with Valerian drops doesn't take you down.

Up til 5:30am trying to get to sleep.

Finally knocked unconscious til 8:00am.

Totally incoherent the rest of the day.

Hope this run of vampire state is short. I don't like running into walls.

Opinions

Being born does not automatically give you the privilege to judge anyone.

You're allowed your opinions, beliefs, moral values and biases, but keep that stuff to yourself if you can't be positive in some way.

Keep your crusty looks to yourself because they only make you look ignorant and ugly to the outside world.

If you open your eyes and your mind, you'll see that there is a lot more to the world than how you see it. And the things that are different than what you're used to, are not always bad.

They are just that....different.

Random acts of being 5 again

Sometimes it's totally appropriate (while making dinner) to pull down the pants of someone in the kitchen as they reflex by kicking you in the groinage area making you collapse to the floor in pain/laughter while you try to take them down with you (successfully I might add) giving them a sweatpants wedgie followed by both of you laughing so hard you snort/fart/pee just a little.

Totally normal.

Pandora

I don't know what I did with my life before it.

It gets me through my workouts. It chills me out at night. It gets my ass shaking while I'm getting dressed. It keeps me company while cooking. It keeps me true to my ghetto roots by not judging me while I rap every single word to a Nelly (or worse yet, Lil Wayne) song. It totally impedes my working by making me practically comatose with that damn perfected Portishead station.

Pandora Radio....you complete me.

Brilliance at it's lowest

Ash: This whole gluten free thing....*sudden long pause*

Me: ....right....

Ash: OMG you have ASS disease!

Me: ...rrrright....

Ash: Gluten.....Glu-ten.....Glute....Glut....GLUTE....ASS...you have ASS disease!

Me: *silence*

Ash: don't look at me like that....

Evolution

Today, my iPhone autocorrected me when I texted the S.O. to get back to the slaveship....calling it a spaceship.

No.

I meant SLAVEship.

Stupid evolution.

OMG

want.

Ah it hurts so good

Absolutely cannot wait to get the ribs done...this was just a quick taste for the pain to come.

#5

Dirty pop

Sometimes....

working out to n'sync makes you feel like a fucking princess.


...and makes everyone at the gym look at you funny when you bust into the "bye bye bye" routine.

Whatever. Haters. You're just mad I can reach my own ass to wipe it. Ya I said it! Do somethin....

...ok, please don't hurt me.


...dirty ....dirty ...dirty....POP

I mean....that's how we would all react right?

Everything is fairly "normal" until.....1:11....what?


This is what I mean when I say that kids need to play outside more often....without remote controls nearby.

I'm just sayin....

Chocolate bricks

Dear makers of gluten free brownie mix,

I know life as a formulator of all things that should be flour filled....flourless, is frustrating, complicated and confusing. But can you please try not to make brownies taste like chocolate flavored cardboard and feel like a mortar layered brick wall resting in your stomach?

I'm fairly certain last week's batch of brownies has taken a semi permanent residency in my digestive track and it has signed at least a 5 year lease.

I know us gluten free folk are annoying, but alas, we are still people, and we still enjoy chocolaty snacks.

Thank you in advance for all your efforts.

Sincerely,

Kujo

Epic

When people use this word in a sentence that doesn't include truly epic things such as WWII or the Holocaust...or I'll even let an earthquake slide....it absolutely makes me twitch and want to slap the closest human next to me.

–adjective Also, ep·i·cal.

1.

noting or pertaining to a long poetic composition, usually centered upon a hero, in which a series of great achievements or events is narrated in elevated style: Homer's Iliad is an epic poem.

2.

resembling or suggesting such poetry: an epic novel on the founding of the country.

3.

heroic; majestic; impressively great: the epic events of the war.

 

NOTHING about a jackass cracking his head on concrete while attempting a "parkour" move is majestic or even remotely heroic or poetic.

 

  

Breaking rules...and the law

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

Absolutely!

It would be nice to break the law for a good cause for once.

You know us Russians...we like to do things "differently". So, breaking the law to save a blood related Russian would be like putting on pants.

Dances With Wolves

What an incredible movie. All 17 hours of it.

Get your panties untangled, yes I said Dances with Wolves. And NO I have not seen it until now.

(Foreigner status, remember?)

Holy not proud to be an A-MEHR-I-CAN, batman.

Fuckin white people. We (and I use the term loosely...) sincerely suck as a race.

Plyo...what?

You think you're in great shape until you do an hour of Plyometrics.

I don't remember having sweat glands there.

F.

M.

L.

Just curious

Since when are appliances an "option" when moving into a rental house?

Especially when the posting on your page clearly reads:

Appliances include: washer/dryer, refrigirator, dish washer.

Are stoves and microwaves also not a standard inclusion anymore?

I may be way out of line for asking, but it just seems wrong?

Builtup

I'm not saying I'd actually kill someone over keeping the toothpaste tube crusty and nasty lookin....but I do get a strong urge to possibly stab or choke a little....

It's just a minor pet peeve.

Another day

Another year closer to changing that first digit in my age.

Birthdays. They used to make me giddy for days before and after. But that was at least 15 years ago.

Now, I just appreciate all the well wishes and thank everyone for remembering the day I came into this world naked, wet, cold and confused....

can't say much has changed :)

Comfortably present

One of my most favorite types of conversations involve zero words.

Question of the day

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

FUUUUCK no. For either one.

I wouldn't want fame if someone added 10 years to my life. Because I know inevitably I'd end up shortening my life by an extra 15 years just by being a famous asswipe.

As for "extreme" attractiveness...i'm a firm believer that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you may think is "extremely" attractive, is probably not at all attractive to me. I'll take my chances with my looks and degree of famousness-ness...

Determined

Kick your heels in and put in everything you have towards something you really WANT or live within your means comfortably and not stress about it and get something you can actually HAVE?

I've spent my entire life digging my heels in and working for the things I want...and need.

Dependence Day

Sometimes watching fireworks from your window while laying in bed in the dark with someone you can't imagine living without, is the best way to spend the 4th of July.

Happy In-dependence Day America.

Dolls

They creep me out. With their fixed non blinking eyes that sit there and judge me.

You don't know me, doll!

Little toy cars. Now there's a practical toy. You get to break off the wheels and other swallowable parts. Push them off the desk and pretend they are falling off a cliff in a fiery crash.

Dirt. That's a good toy too. Not to mention a pretty good snack as well.

I'm just sayin. I never liked dolls and little girls (or boys) that play with them creep me out just as equally as the dolls themselves.

Gym douchebaggery

Dear guy at the gym that is clearly on steroids because your head is being swallowed by your neck, please stop coming to the gym just to walk around and fix your hair in the mirror...which is balding, I might add.

You're distracting.

Sincerely,

The rest of the gym.

Silence

Is not only golden, it seems to have been abandoned all together.

When was the last time you allowed yourself to be in complete silence?

I'm talking the kind of silence where the only sound you hear is the sound of your breathing.

Go ahead.

Give it a shot. Don't worry, the voices in your head will totally understand you needing some space...I hope.