Day 41: Feet don't fail me now

I briefly contemplated not counting the days, but then I rationalized it with knowing how long it took for me to feel better. Generally, I would advise against keeping track of things like this because it sort of puts a time limit or a certain expectation of time, perhaps. But for someone who is slightly (heavily) OCD and loves lists, bullet points and generally tracking things...it makes sense. Besides, changing things now would only hurt my brain later because I won't see the list of posts on the right all nicely formatted the same.

I digress....

Feet. Let's talk about that.

So I've been off everything for almost two weeks. The first week because I was told to, the second week because I am currently poor and money didn't quite coincide with the purchase of the next round of pills. And admittedly, I lost the piece of paper that had the next regiment written on it by my doc. So maybe, the reasons are all a little jumbled. The point is, I've been without help for almost two weeks. While I feel pretty shitty physically, the brain fog has been manageable. I'm not going to lie, I can't wait to pick up more Lightning pearl tomorrow so I can start feeling better physically again.

Regardless of the pain, I've skated and went to crossfit this week. Two things I haven't been able to do consistently or concurrently for quite some time. The decision to skate and then crossfit the next day was the best and worst decision in a long time. Skating felt great. I skated in a fairly warm hangar and that wasn't even what got me tired. Doing what I love to do is what got me tired. I jammed in practice! I did a drill where I pushed a blocker while they were stopping. That may not sound like much, but FML it is exhausting! I forgot how much energy it takes to be a jammer. While it hurt and I had to sit out the other half of practice after that, it re-lit the fire under my ass and the love I have for derby, and for jamming. It gives me hope and it gives me goals and that is basically all I can ask for right now.
The next day I went to my first crossfit class since.....I honestly would have to look back at my facebook to see when the last time was. I can safely assume it was before August of last year. It sucked. In the most amazing way. I felt muscles that I haven't felt in a very long time, and I sweated profusely. I also had to stop my workout about 5/6th of the way because....#exhausted. But that's ok. I worked through double unders (whipping my ass only ONCE!), learned a new way to back squat and do snatches, and finished 7 out of 12 rounds of 3snatched/5 ring rows. All in all, it was sufficient enough to make me walk like a swaggier version of Justin Bieber with saggy shorts. I miss that and I welcome it back.

Feet. I haven't forgotten.

My biggest complaint in all of this, is the amount of excruciating pain I feel in my feet. I don't mean pain like if you stand for too long or skate with the wrong size skate. I mean pain like when I get up in the morning and have to put my feet on the floor, I can't. I call it t-rex feet. It's like if you had t-rex arms for your feet. They cramp up and don't want to go flat. If I try to flatten them before they are ready, it feels like someone is ripping tissue and breaking every single bone inside.

I have no idea what that's from but I intend to find out today at my doctor's visit.

Also, today, I get to try cupping! I don't know/understand the benefits of it but its super weird and I'm all for it. Because who doesn't like parts of your back getting suction cupped into a warm tiny glass?

That's all for now.

Day 34: ...and it all falls down

The last few days (maybe just over a week) things have just been collecting and piling up. I don't mean in the literal translation of the term "things", I mean metaphorically speaking. Mentally, emotionally, and physically shit has just been piled on and I've had a hard time dealing with it and coping with it.

For one, the switch to the Thunder Pearls proved to be a little too harsh on my body. I had to only take it for a week (only getting to 6 pills/day) before my doctor told me to stop everything for a week so I can let my body rest and then go back to Lightning.

Here's what I've felt in a nutshell(ish):

Mentally: While Thunder made me feel hyperfocused and able to conquer the world mentally, I also felt high. Not high as in high spirits, just high like I was up all night smoking crack. Stopping Thunder has resulted in a full comeback of the brain fog. I'm back to pausing when I'm trying to have a conversation with people, and back to forgetting words and connecting my brain to my mouth. It's been supremely hard to get motivated to complete any task, let alone try and complete an entire day of work. Frustration is a really nice word for what I feel in terms of my mental capacity right now.

Physically: I honestly don't really remember what I felt while on Thunder. (I should probably do a better job of journaling so that this doesn't happen). I think I was ok? Although my doctor said that the dark circles around my eyes had returned and with a vengeance when she saw me after being on Thunder for a week. So I'm going to say that while I felt "normal", I probably wasn't. This doesn't mean Thunder is bad. It actually means it's great. It means it works. REALLY well. The presence of dark circles around my eyes means I am fighting something. This time around it means the bacteria is super unhappy that I'm trying to evict it, and in a really forceful way. After this week ends, I am to get back on Lightning to calm my nervous system and then I believe we are back on Thunder at a lower dose. Right now, I'm on nothing and I hate it. Along with the brain fog, the fibro-like pain is back in full force. The lower back pain is back for the first time since before my back surgery. Everything is so inflamed that my body is on full freak out mode.  I can't sleep, even though when I do finally fall asleep, I sleep through the night and I sleep well. The falling asleep portion is what I'm really struggling with.

Emotionally: This is by far the worst part. I noticed that while I was on Lightning my overall mood was so much better. I was hopeful. The mood swings were minimal and I was able to cope with emotions way better. I don't think Thunder made a huge difference in that. In fact, I'm pretty sure it helped make it even better. But I wasn't taking it long enough to notice. What's happened since I've been off everything is a complete fucking disaster. For those of you who are able to go through PMS every month, imagine everyday being the day before your period. That's my every day right now. I'm emotional, I'm sad, I'm irrational, I'm all over the spectrum of anger and rage. I am a fucking mess. I understand that the heat in the last couple of days didn't help, but the other day I had a full blown rage attack because people were "in my way" while I was driving. This happened more than one time. Neither time was ..........(I just want to throw it in here that it just took me a full 5 minutes to remember what I was saying and what word I was going to use. I literally forgot what I was thinking mid thought. A glimpse into the daily struggle.).......justified. I'll digress because I forgot where I was going with that.

Alongside the rage and irrational anger and frustration, came the ugly head of depression. Dare I admit that I am falling into it. I hate everything about myself at the moment. I have days where I can't and won't look at myself in the mirror because I don't know who that is looking back. I hate my hair, I hate my skin, I hate my body, I hate my health and I hate that I can't snap my finger and magically make it all change and go away.

Before everyone gets offended, frustrated and sad, please understand that this is not MY norm and this is just an open book of MY thoughts and feelings.

Let me explain it this way: I grew up as a jock. I started out my athletic life at the age of 3 where I was in dance 5 days a week and in gymnastics the other 2 days. I've been sweating and active since then. I've played basketball, softball, ran track, did longs jump and triple jump, played field hockey, ice hockey, derby and trained in gyms and crossfit. I've had an athletic body since.....always. ALWAYS. My norm has always been a lean body and the ability to eat basically everything and anything and maintain my body weight within 5lbs. I've never placed value on body weight or image to be honest. I accept people in every size and shape. I sincerely don't see it, I see people for people and for their soul. Except when it comes to myself. What do we call that? Low self-esteem? Body image issues? or just a lack of coping skills when your body decides to take a shit on you and be so sick that you are unable to do anything you used to? This has left me with over a year of inactivity. My eating habits haven't changed much. I eat fairly healthy with the regular dose of chocolate and ice cream. Why? Because that is what I'm used to. I used to eat junk food daily and maintain the same weight. Now I eat grilled meat, healthy carbs, and veggies and have gained 30lbs. 30 FUCKING POUNDS. Sure it may not seem like a lot to most people, but when an athlete that is used to being 120lbs and 16% body fat is faced with a 30lbs weight gain that puts them into the 28% body fat bracket, all hell comes crashing down. So, yes, the confidence and self-esteem have come tumbling down and self-pity and tears have replaced them.  You know how everyone has that one outfit that they can put on and feel like king shit of fuck mountain? I don't have that anymore. Nothing fits and nothing looks or feels like that right now. And that is a kick in the confidence and feelings nutsack.

I don't really know where I'm going with this....there really isn't a point. The idea is that this is reality and this is life. And that's ok. I'm not giving up on anything or crying out for help. I have fantastic support in my life and I appreciate it daily. I guess I just want to show you that no matter what walks of life we come from, we all go through the same pit of hell at some point. The wonderful thing about life is that nothing, absolutely nothing, is forever. The shitty parts pass too. You just have to be patient and give yourself the time to feel it all. And I'm over here just feeling the shit out of all of it.


....til next time. 

Day 24: The Ick

Yesterday morning I started the next cycle of treatment; Thunder Pearls. 

I took the first two pills in the morning, ate a light breakfast and went to the hangar to volunteer at scrimmage. Let me just try to bottle the experience of Thunder....I've never taken any drugs in my lifetime so I can't really compare it to anything, but I imagine if one were to combine cocaine and some sort of anti ADD medication, they would achieve the first dose of Thunder. 

My usual brain fog turned upside down and became the most hyper focused mental activity I've ever experienced in my entire life. Imagine being able to hear, see, feel, taste, and smell everything in HD....ALL AT THE SAME TIME. It's not a pleasant feeling by any means. In fact, it made me uncomfortable and anxious. I felt so over stimulated. And at the same time, I was actually able to process most of what was going on. This was new. 

After helping out with scrimmage, I was absolutely exhausted. All I really wanted to do was nap. That proves to be a problem in my life. Always. I can't nap nor do I ever want to miss out on the day by napping. Long story short, I didn't nap and in fact, after eating and properly hydrating myself (at which i am SO TERRIBLE still) I was ok and able to participate in an amazing day of showing our friend around who made the trip to PDX with my car from LA. (YAY!!) I'm certain that the very low dose of 2 pills wore off just after lunch so I felt much better. 

While the focus was there, something else familiar was also back. Pain. I guess I'd forgotten how much my body hurts with this disease when I was taking the Lighting pills because they are designed to calm the nervous system and aid with the neurological misfires. Thunder has not only failed to suppress the pain, but it seems to have stirred up some deeper pains and kicked the toxins into high gear. I missed a day of putting lemons in my water and felt like I was for sure going to die. 

It's been hot the last few days, and as I mentioned before, the heat makes me extremely uncomfortable. Today was one of those REALLY uncomfortable days. At one point, we visited an antique store in Sellwood and because it was so muggy and warm in there, I felt the tunnel vision and profuse sweating creep up on me. I hate that feeling. I did what any normal person would do in that situation. I took my shoes and socks off and stood barefoot in the middle of the store, paying for my finds. Maybe that's just my normal. There's something about having my feet exposed and touching the ground that calms me and allows my core temperature to drop when I feel panicked. 

I'd also realized I hadn't had any water for quite a few hours at that point. Luckily, at dinner I was able to ask for an entire plate of lemon wedges to shove into my water, and proceeded to chug as much of it as I could without drowning. Almost instantly, I felt better. I still had my shoes off at this point, so I won't speculate what helped me most. 

So far, I hate thunder. It's pissing off the ick (that's become my nickname for this shitty bacteria) and making me super sensitive to absolutely everything that triggers flare-ups. (Sugars, carbs, etc) 

I've got at least 2 and a half more weeks of this, with increasing dosage, and I cannot WAIT to see how that makes me feel. <insert heavy sarcasm> 

I won't lie, I hate this process. Physically I've hated the last two days that have left me feeling crippled. Mentally, I'm tired and hopeful still, somehow. Emotionally, I've loved the last two days because I got to spend them with my person and a great friend, doing really great things. I even finally got to go to Joe's Crab Shack and destroy a bucket of exoskeletal sea life. 

Fuck you, Lyme. You can't keep me from enjoying the company of amazing people that make my face light up with smiles.