Beach Bum

There is something so absolutely magnetic about the beach at night that just keeps me wanting to come and sit on the sand and hear the waves crashing every single night.

I can't get enough of it.

Tattoo Bug

My itch for a tattoo has turned into a full blown rash...maybe even some kind of a topical viral bug...I'm not sure, but I have 4 designs I MUST get on my body!

I've become so one track minded about it. You know how when you have something going on in your life and all you seem to hear and see somehow pertains to that? Thats me. All I see are designs and tattoo art. All I hear are people talking about getting their work done.

Soon my skin, soon. Ribs, you're up first.

Saggy Ass

I just want to know how one manages to sag skinny jeans....

Seriously. Please shop in your gender/age specific section of the department store...you look like you took a crap in your little sister's tight jeans and threw on some chucks and called it a style.

Some people's kids.

It seems I have fallen

I have a confession to make. I'm in love.

It's a daily affair.

Takes about 10 minutes on average every night of my life.

Leaves me with sweat dripping down my body.

So sometimes I'm too sore to do it every night but even those nights all I can do is think about doing it.

Back and forth I go...breathing harder with every stroke.

Dear rowing machine at my gym...you are the best thing since sliced gluten free bread. I miss you when I don't sit on you. You make my life complete. Please be broken for everyone but me.

Sincerely,

Your one and only.

Red Blood

While having lunch the other day the topic of Communism came up.

I know what you're thinking..."how could it not, you're Russian"

And generally you'd be right. You put two Russians together and you get a whole Red Party happening.

In this case, I was tickled by the fact that someone who I would generally never expect to bring it up, did....followed by "I think it's a great idea."

As you can imagine I momentarily stopped chewing, looked over at her and wondered if the heat had finally reached the brain and converted her to my kind.

She stared intensely back at me and said "what? not what you expected?"

No. Not really. Not from a Native American/Italian Republican.

I guess I should have prefaced by saying that the fact that I'm Russian has absolutely zero influence on my beliefs in Marxism and Communism. I've never been one to follow an idea just because it was the fashionable thing to do....(not that either one of those philosophies/ideas are by any means popular or fashionable).

I've read and studied both ideas fairly extensively and formed my own affinity towards them.

For those who may not be familiar with the ideas (or who may have a cookie cutter opinion on it) I wanted to just simply and vaguely explain it:

Both the Marxism theory (the very bare idea of Communism) and the more elaborate idea of Communism boil down to having a classless society. Like a tribe. A commune. You see the correlation?

Simply put: You provide your "community" with what you CAN, and accept what you NEED. Therefore you are an asset based on your skills and your contributions, and in return, you will posses every thing you require for a comfortable life.

No super classes with Maybachs and unpronounceable amounts of money.

No homeless.

No one left behind.

Sounds good right? (well maybe not to everyone)

The greatest con of humanity and any concept/idea ever geared toward the "community": GREED.

Communism will never work simply because there are those humans who are greedy more than they are anything else.

This concludes the Commie party meeting. Donuts and coffee are in the main lobby, please sign up for our monthly Red Newsletter.

Heat

There's something terribly inhuman about getting into a car, pushing the "outside temp" button and it telling you it's 117 degrees.

Perhaps everything after about 110 just doesn't matter...but try telling that to my Siberian skin.

Man, this one's a doozy!

Kudos to NY, not so much for the other 44 states...

Today, the state of New York legalized gay marriage.

As happy as that makes me for such an influential state, it also makes me incredibly sad for the rest of the states that refuse to follow suit.

In a country where only five states (CT, IA, NH, VT, MA), D.C. and the Coquille Indian Tribe in Oregon actually issue licenses for gay marriages, and two other states that will recognize you as a human but not give you a license (RI and MD), it makes me wonder what "freedom" exactly are our troops fighting for every single day?

It's pathetic that this is still a real issue. And one that's been beaten far beyond a dead-horse state.

"According to the federal government's Government Accountability Office (GAO), more than 1,138 rights and protections are conferred to U.S. citizens upon marriage by the federal government; areas affected include Social Security benefits, veterans' benefits, health insurance, Medicaid, hospital visitation, estate taxes, retirement savings, pensions, family leave, and immigration law. However, many aspects of marriage law affecting the day to day lives of inhabitants of the United States are determined by the states, not the federal government, and the Defense of Marriage Act does not prevent individual states from defining marriage as they see fit."----

Right...so a state can legalize your decision to bind your assets and share your life with the same sex, but how can you possibly think it's constitutionally sound to want to be recognized as some one's spouse when you are trying to stay by their hospital bed in another state? How can it make sense to want to take medical leave when your life partner is having a baby that you will legally raise as your child? And of course its absolutely ludicrous to want to be added to your spouse's pension plan.

I wish for a moment people would pull their heads out of their asses to breathe in some fresh air and have a moment of clarity...where they forget what those old wig wearing farts wrote in a constitution that was based on a fairy tale idea (probably while consuming large amounts of bourbon and smoking opium)...and just think of people as....wait for it.....PEOPLE. As individuals that have the human right to choose with whom they wish to fall in love, and with whom to share their treasures and debts.

Hooray for New York....really. I just sincerely hope more states will follow. And I sincerely wish this trend would start inland moving out to the edges of the nation instead of trying to penetrate from the coastal states into the middle.

Fingers and what-not crossed, but I certainly won't hold my breath for fear of asphyxiation.

Bygones

Just a note:

Things that happened in your past relationships shouldn't dictate how you treat someone in your current relationship.

Every single person is different. They come with their own set of pros and cons. There is absolutely no need to drag someone else's baggage into a new relationship and make them pay for it.

I completely understand that scars caused by others don't fade quite as quickly as we would wish, but picking old and unrelated battles just creates unnecessary issues.

Try to distinguish issues as past and present and recognize when to let the past be the past and you'll see how much easier it is to build something new and untouchable.

Missing...

Every once in a (recently often) while i get incredibly sad remembering three really important people that got ripped out of my life the same year within a six-month period.

Watching Pearl Harbor for the first time tonight (I know I know, how could have I not seen it til now??) yanked me back into such sadness and complete and utter breakdown of all strength. I broke down into uncontrollable tears.  It reminded me how it seems like every time I truly care about someone and let my guard down, they seem to vanish from my life....

I try not to dwell on the past and look forward positively into the future...but honestly, I'm terrified with the current guard down.

If I somehow lose this time, it would be pretty hard to bounce back without heavy medication.

I miss you Danny, Jo and Sy.

You will always live long in my heart until we meet in another life.

We are our childhood memories

Everything we are, everything we do and how we respond to situations in life is a direct representation of our upbringing.

I come from a very loving family. Normal by all standards. I was hugged and loved every day. My parents laughed with us. My parents disciplined us and spoke to us like we were adults from the moment we learned how to talk. We have always been supported in our ideas. Though they may not always agree with what we think, they will at least always hear us out.

I realize that most people I meet didn't grow up in a safe and loving household. And I admire those who rise above the negativity and hardships from their childhood to become loving and caring adults.

It can't be easy to let go of resentment and emotional scars and give people a chance to show you that things can be different.

Impulses

There's something I've learned about myself in the past few years....I'm quite impulsive but only when it comes to pleasing others.

Let me explain.

I've always been mature in every sense of the word except maybe how I spent my own money. I used to get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and nobody could tell me otherwise. In recent years I've finally grown up and realized I can probably live without whatever it is that's screaming to make me buy it.

I've adopted a new technique that's worked quite well for me. If I see something I feel like I can't live without I simply tell myself to walk away and if I think about it again within two weeks from then, I'll just go back and get it. If I forget all about it 5 minutes after I see it, it's an impulse and I just saved myself whatever amount of money.

This works great for things I want for MYSELF....when it comes to things for others....I'm still just as bad.

I just like making people smile. And most times, I'll put my own wish list on hold just to accommodate someone else's.

I personally see nothing wrong with it, but I've been questioned about it before.

Ask all you want, it's not something I'll ever change.

Affection

“Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends” - Anonymous

There may be something broken inside me but I am one of those people that is filled to the brim with affection to give. 

I'm that person that will trace my fingers on your back when I lay next to you or hold your hand while driving or sit on the same side of the restaurant booth instead of across from you. It's how I show my love for someone.

I also absolutely wither away if I don't get affection in return. 

I've come to the conclusion that my crappy sleeping habits are solely to blame on sleeping alone.

Must fix.

Cheaters

One of my biggest anger triggers are unfaithful people.

The amount of selfishness and disrespect someone needs to have within themselves to actually cheat is baffling to me.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, as the human race it seems very difficult for us to maintain a monogamous relationship. We are surrounded by temptation everywhere we look. God forbid you are an attractive person in a relationship. It's like being the only tube of sunscreen on an island full of albinos that spontaneously combust upon exposure to the sun. Everybody wants a piece and they aren't exactly waiting for their turn, they just grab the tube and squeeze.

I don't care if you are the best sunscreen made from the soft skin of baby seals, if you can't keep your hands to yourself or control the situations where you put yourself at risk of succumb to temptation....DON'T COMMIT TO A RELATIONSHIP!

It really is that simple. Stop being selfish. Be a slut, by all means. I think everyone needs to get it out of their system. But don't put someone under the impression that you give a crap, when in reality, you are only concerned with satisfying your own needs.

Some people respond with depression to heartbreak, and others (like myself) can sometimes respond with making a few phone calls to some "uncles" and having you go missing.

I'm just saying.

No Sleep for the....well, just no sleep.

It's 5:30am and you know the sun is coming up in just an hour.

You're already frustrated because you should have been asleep for at least 5 hours already, yet here you are watching the minutes tick by.

The later it gets, the more you can't sleep, the more you beg the sandman to come and hit you over the head with a sledge hammer.

The past two nights I have slept a combined 4 hours.

Every few months, my body decides to skip an entire night of sleep and function seemingly unfazed...until the next night hits and I pass out like I'd been drugged.

I think it may be time to start my 5HTP therapy again. I don't think my body responds to sleepless nights quite as well as it used to.

Patience vs. Persitence

"No road is too long for him who advances slowly and does not hurry, and no attainment is beyond his reach who equips himself with patience to achieve it." - Jean de La Bruyere 

Patience has never been a virtue of mine. That's no secret to anyone that's known me for longer than 5 minutes.  

Persistence, however, is. 

I'm very decisive and once I've set my mind on something I am very driven and will stop at nothing to attain it. 

Having been raised this way, it drives me absolutely insane when all I have to do is sit and wait for something to happen. I honestly can't give a single example in my life where I've just waited for something. 

I suppose it's never too late to learn a few new virtues.

Or maybe not.

I'd rather just tighten the ropes and make it happen.

Monotony

Monotony. Webster's Dictionary defines it as:

mo·not·o·ny/məˈnätn-ē/Noun

1. Lack of variety and interest; tedious repetition and routine.

Let's just look at this word in it's entire definition, then. 

Lack of variety and interest: I find that being an adult and responsible is the sole reason for monotony. As soon as you hit a certain age (mentally) it's like all the variety goes right out the window and you wake up one morning wondering why you've been on the same routine for the past 6 years.

Let's face it, all our adolescent life we spend waiting to turn 18 so we can be ADULTS, and when that hits you realize all that's been accomplished is the ability to be sent to jail for all the stupid shit you used to do and just get slapped on the hand.

Then we wait for 21! Now you can drink legally...and even more so be tried as an adult for the even stupider shit you do while legally intoxicated.

Then you finally get your shit together and realize you should probably follow some rules and set a schedule and fit into society like the rest of these poor bastards.

THIS is the death of all variety. 

Enter Tedious repetition and routine: You get up, follow your set series of activities for the day, come home, rinse and repeat. 

We all have daily routines or discipline (as I like to refer to it) and quite frankly I think I would have an aneurysm if I didn't, but what I'm talking about refers more along the lines of monotony in life all together.

We live on a cycle. Weekdays=Work. Weekends=Play a.k.a. get trashed to forget past/upcoming week. Birthdays=Party. Holidays=Family Gatherings.

And on a grander scheme of things: we are born, we learn, we marry, we procreate, we start resenting our partner, we try to live out our golden years as happily as possible, we die. The cycle of life.

Like I mentioned before, I'm all about plans and following a schedule of tasks, setting goals and attaining goals. But every few months my brain panics and I sit and analyze and over-think every aspect of my life. The things I've done, the things I haven't done, where I stand in this cycle of life, and how I can't stand the fact that life is so predictable. 

Truth is, I get bored easily. With everything. I find it hard to find people and things that stimulate me longer than a few minutes. Every once in a great while, I meet a person that manages to make it for a few months, some even a few years. I call those good friends. 

Maybe I'm an arrogant asshole, but at least I'm honest about it, right? 

Maybe not.

All I know is, it scares me to death that I can almost count on getting bored of pretty much everything and everyone.

I'm guessing the key to breaking monotony is in it's very definition....get rid of the LACK of variation. Which I can see in application to the activities in life, but how about the people?

How do you add variety to relationships (romantic and not) without being a complete asswipe?

The answer is you don't.

You find a person that understands you and you add variety to both your lives and activities by being spontaneous and doing things outside the norm.

At least that's my solution for the time being. I'll let you know how it works.

Private Entry

From time to time, I'll do an entry in the blog that's just too private to share with everyone.

I try to keep that to a minimum and I think I've done pretty well at keeping most posts as open as possible. There has been only one other time where I've written and not posted and today marks number two.

Just know that I have written today :)

Just like the other entry, this one is a letter to someone, except this one was a letter to someone in the future.

Good and Bad

Well, I have bad news and good news.

Bad news is I think the rapture did actually happen.

Good news: I think it only affected the squirrel population.

Am I the only one noticing the large amount of dead squirrels in the middle of every street?! What in the hell is going on?? Did they all join a cult where on a certain day they all decided to cross the street without looking both ways?

I'm beginning to get a little worried....what's next??

I'm just sayin.

Oh Shane

So of course, I have to do a blog about one of the characters on the L word because she is the epitome of what pisses me off in people...especially women.

If you watched the show, take this time to remember Shane....if you didn't watch the show, meet Shane:

Shane was born in Austin, Texas. Her mother, who was a drug addict, put her into foster care when she was nine years old. She never knew her father. Shane has known she was a lesbian from a young age, remarking that her very first crush was when she was eight, on a girl she met in the playground. She dropped out of high school and was once a prostitute on Santa Monica Boulevard. She pretended to be a boy in order to service gay men, but would never go farther than to give handjobs. She quit when one of her johns paid for her to get into hairdressing school. Shane was homeless for at least six months, and slept in her truck. Shane struggled with a drug problem, she also slept with between 1000 and 1200 people.----Translation: She is all kinds of fucked up. 

Cheats on every single person she ever tries to have a relationship with. Breaks every single person's heart and has no clue how to love or be loved.

She goes about life doing whoever and what ever she wants, claiming zero responsibility for her actions and running away from the trail of problems she leaves behind.

I always try to see people for who they truly are and disregard their "image" and what others perceive them to be. I feel that she's just a tainted soul that needs someone truly special to show her that she can be loved and can actually love in return. That nobody is perfect and people move on from fuck ups. I still think she just needed someone to take control and lead her to a relationship where she can remain faithful and happy.

There was a situation where Shane cheated on the only girl she was ever serious with and confessed to it only to later find out that her girlfriend went behind her back and revenge fucked someone.

Shane fucked up, no doubt. But in my mind what her girlfriend did goes even lower.

Shane admits to being a fuck up and not knowing how to love or to commit...but that's also how she expects everyone to feel about her. It's her cover. Her smoke screen.

I'm not saying I like who she is, I just get who she is and was holding my breath that maybe Carmen (her serious girlfriend) would be the one that made her see the other side.

She cheats because that's all she knows about "love". It's sad as fuck. With Carmen she WANTED to be loyal. But had no idea how.

I can say I understand who she is, but would never accept this in a friend, and especially in a girlfriend.

In the end, what pisses me off most about people like her is when their claim to freedom is "that's just how/who I am".

Um...NO.

If you are fucked up, and you know what it is that's wrong...FIX it. Don't just lay down and be a cheater because it's easier than keeping your hands to yourself.

Everybody has temptations, it's up to us to be loyal and exercise will power.

I know I get naive about people and somehow have more hope for them than even they have for themselves.

Sadly, reality: people don't change. It sucks for everyone they end up sucking into their mine field.

Ode to the cycle

Dear period,

Thank you for always being there in the most important times and showing up like that uninvited uncle that nobody really knows or understands.

Thank you for always ripping out the last bit of energy left in my body after a long day.

Thank you for being so diligent in coming EVERY month for no particular reason but to throw a wrench in my otherwise good mood.

Thank you for making me crave every possible flavor in the flavor spectrum....in one single and impossible food.

Thank you for making an otherwise emotionally stable human into a basketcase.

Thank you for adding an extra 5-10 lbs of water weight just for fun and making me feel like going to the gym 3 times a week is just not enough.

Thank you for preparing my womb for a child I'm not trying to have since I was 13....every damn month!

Thank you for making me buy pants and underwear just for that 5 day period in a month because damn it if I don't feel good, I sure as hell am not gonna prance around in anything but booty shorts and sweatpants.

Thank you for making me look forward to nothing but hot-flashes and more mood swings after this bleeding mess is over.

Of all the things I'm thankful for, I thank you most for making my boobs bigger but far too tender to touch.

You are a real asshole, nature.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go down some more advil and take a nap.

Sincerely,

Me.

That Dirty L Word

No matter your gender, age or sexual orientation, I think everyone needs to watch "The L Word".

What an amazingly well made show.

I think everyone can benefit from seeing how women think, act, love and interact with one another.

We are some amazing creatures, I must say.

I would definitely not like to cross a woman the wrong way because I really do feel we are capable of anything and everything in the name of love.

I'm marathoning the entire series. Currently on season 4 and I never thought I'd learn this much about my own gender.

Holy crap.

Name something you do differently than other people.

Although my mom would say I do everything unlike anyone else, I'd have to say I love different than most people. At least differently than most people would expect.

I'm not going to claim that I've been through more heartache or have been disappointed more than others, but in my eyes and my standards even I would think I'd approach love in a different way.

I may go through brief stages of mistrust and pouting but when I meet someone I fall for, I revert back to unconditional love.

I literally give full reign to that person. They start with a clean slate  disregarding any previous experiences either they or I have gone through.

I think everyone loves different people differently. Meaning someone may be less loyal to a lot of people in their life but once they meet that one person that captures them wholly, they become as loyal as any one human can be.

Maybe it's naive but who am I to set a mistrusted precedent? All I know how to do is be honest, loyal and trustworthy to someone I love.

You may as well give someone a true shot of being the same to you. Of course this generally sets me up for complete heartbreak, but I guess I haven't been hurt hard enough to snap and treat people like shit.

Either that or my heart is as resilient as the rest of my body is.

Either way, I think people are lucky to be loved by me. And you can hold me to that statement :)

Risk vs Reward

We've all heard it before: the greatest risks yield the greatest rewards. 

But how many of us actually take this for what it's really worth? How many of us have jumped out of an airplane not knowing if there was a parachute attached? Maybe that's an extreme and perhaps there isn't much of a reward...at least for people who are terrified of heights like me. 

My point is, every day we face decisions. Chances. Some greater than others. We decide how much of ourselves we are willing to invest in something (or someone) without really knowing the potential outcome. 

In relationships (romantic and not) we tend to evaluate, analyze and research before we commit to anyone. We put in a percentage of ourselves to sit and wait for the potential return.

If you put in 10% of your true self, you shouldn't expect to get more than 10% back. 

What if, you put in 100% of you, let go of expectations (good and bad) and just dive into it? Allowing yourself to just see what happens. 

Make yourself vulnerable. Because this is where you're the truest form of yourself. No games. No tricks up your sleeve. No hidden facts. You've put in everything you have. Chances are you'll end up hurt. You'll heal. But what if this is the time you end up hitting the jackpot?

When you put yourself at risk to lose everything, you inadvertently stand to gain everything.

Diving in, without my floaties. 

Nothingness

God, some days I just want to shut off the lights, close the curtains, light a small candle, turn on some buddah bar music and lay on my bed with my eyes closed and enjoy hours of nothingness.

Kind of like a day-long meditation, maybe?

Who knows. Sometimes the gears in my head spin so fast and hard, it leaves me mentally and physically exhausted.

Finals

Tonight I had my last final for the semester.

It's bittersweet, I suppose. I didn't enjoy this class half as much as I did the other writing class. Regardless, it took up 3 hours of my time on Monday nights (cutting into my House time, I might add) and has sort of become a sick ritual of staying up ridiculously late after class by going to the gym and then catching up on my shows.

No more of that. Now I get to hit the gym as early as I wish and watch my shows with all the glorious commercials.

I'll miss you J101. But not to the point of tears.

Let the freedom of no summer classes begin.

What, Vegas? Ah yes, I hear you calling my name for weeks at a time.

Would you be your friend?

Call me egotistical...call me conceited...call me whatever you like....or just call me a friend.

My whole life I've been taught to treat people like I'd want to have my kids treated. I look in the mirror and wonder if I'd be my own friend. The answer has always been "yes" without hesitation. Not only would I be my own friend, I would feel honored to be one.

I'm more loyal than that lost puppy you rescued off the side of the road. I'm dependable to a fault, where I will sacrifice my own plans just to make sure I don't break ours. I'm trustworthy. I'll look at you with that stare when you're about to do something retarded. I risk getting sick by bringing my friends soup and board games when they are sick and nobody else wants to come within 10 feet of them.

I simply put people first.

So yeah, I'd love to be my own friend.

So call me conceited or full of myself, but at least I know what I bring to the table.

What kind of friend are you?

What's in an age?

Ever wondered how old you would be if you didn't know how old you were?

I've never been my physical age. I've always been mentally older....way older. And physically looked younger.

Physically I've been stuck at looking like I'm 16 with a fake ID, and mentally I've always been far too mature.

What if when asked how old we are we answer like our credit score...three different numbers and all are a little off.

Our birth age, our mental age and our physical age. Mine would be 28-38-18....like a small-chested, muffin-toppin, small-hipped woman.

Deeper Thoughts

It's been difficult to write on a regular basis as I got busier in life.

There are a million things going on at once right now. All for the better and for the long term. I find it hard to concentrate on the present because I'm so focused on the goals ahead.

But I will keep my commitment to writing every day. I was given another 50 topics to rattle my brain and do what I do best..write about them.

So starting tomorrow, I'll throw them in here and there.

Tonight, Vegas is at my door with open arms and a huge smile.

New Beginnings

We should never be afraid to change things in our lives for fear that what we've been doing may be seen as failure.

It's never too late to step back and look at your life and change the things that don't make you a better and happier being.

If your career no longer makes you happy, take the steps to change that. No matter how long it takes or sacrifices you may have to make to do it.

Either work out differences in your relationships or move on from them, but don't linger in stagnation and unhappiness.

It's cliche, but we really only get once shot at life. This isn't a dress rehearsal. Every day is opening night.

Look in the mirror, if what looks back at you isn't what you feel is the optimal YOU, change it!

What are you going to change to make yourself happier today?

In a world where being a healthy and fit human being is a matter of a chain of choices you make in the course of a day, it baffles me that there are people who live such unhealthy lives...by choice!

I understand that maybe eating healthier is a lot less convenient and at times a little bit more expensive but if you put in a little bit of time and just a little bit more money into it now, you won't have to spend the money later on doctors.

Staying fit doesn't mean being a meat head and living at the gym, it simply means taking stairs versus an elevator, walking your dog 3 times versus just once or just letting it run in the back yard. Playing with your kids outside for an hour versus plopping them in front of a tv for hours.

Nutrition is difficult to follow because we are smothered by fast food convenience. I can't deny that I've fallen victim to it before. Being on a gluten free diet for a week has opened my eyes to the kind of crap we are eating for the sake of convinience! I can't get a single thing on the McDonalds menu! And I used to LOVE having cheat days with eating well and getting just one item at McDs.

Make better choices. Drink only when you absolutely need to (even though I can't think of a single reason I would "need" to) and when you do, drink wine.

I'll never understand smoking...at all. Maybe it's because I've never touched a cigarette but it seems like a complete cop out that "it's hard to quit". No shit, Shirlock. It's nicotine. But if you want to, you can.

Why purposely take time off your life every time you suck down a cigarette?

I just really wish people would find pleasures in small things in life that are far less harmful and a lot more productive.

I'll get off my soap box now. There's some form of protein with my name on it, waiting to be ingested. :)