Living.

Every single one of us dies, but not every one lives. Time to step up and live.

I'll take tranny for 500, Alex.

Somewhere in the universe, someone, somehow wanted me to have a really crappy car day. A trip to San Francisco was in the plans to drop someone off and come back same day. I wasn't driving but we were to take my car so I thought I could chill in the car, there's no need to force myself to sleep when I couldn't seem to get to it last night. Finally I clocked out at 3 something am. At 6:15 my mom came to ask me to take her to work because her car wouldn't start. No questions asked. I got up and helped how I could. 

We were to get gas in the morning before the trip so I didn't bother getting gas the night before...of course there was zero time to spare now so i had to get on the road to get mom to work. Magically, my car's gas gauge went from 7 gallons to 1 gallon in the span of 25 minutes and 12 miles over the topanga canyon. Damn near running out of gas, we made it safely to work. No problems there. Mom had a ride home and her car's issue had been resolved before I even got back from taking her to work. 

No real issues getting to San Fran aside from the car smoking once and again from what we figured was oil burning off like every other cadi I know. 

We get back on the road to head home. There's more smoke. Hm. We hit a patch of traffic and the car goes from 3rd gear to first gear....and stays there. We pull off the freeway to a gas station to see WTF is going on. Popped the hood, duck under....some hose connected to the transmission has popped off and has been popped off for god knows how long and there is ZERO tranny fluid. We are fucked. We drove the car 400 miles on zero tranny fluid. Our only option is to turn and head back to Napa. Easier said than done. We are 60 miles away, stuck with one gear...the first one. Max speed is 26mph...35mph downhill. 

We limped the car nearly 40 miles until we realized we have to pay a toll on an upcoming bridge and we have no cash. No problem. If we could just find a liquor store, an ATM, a bank...anything?? Anything?! Nothing. FINALLY, after driving what seemed like every god damned hill in the bay area, we see a bank. Not our bank but who cares! I jump out, get cash, we put the car in drive....and it's not going...anywhere. We are officially...fucked. The transmission has left the building. Time for AAA. They only take an hour and a half to come save us....and it's only 36 degrees outside. No problem at all. 

So there it is. My car is trannyless (which sounds better than it should). We are still in Napa. No car to ride home in. It's freezing ass cold. And I'm laughing. Because there's nothing else to do. One way or another, it will all work itself out and we will get home tomorrow through some Craigslist magic. 

Good night everyone. I still love my Cadillac...even though it managed to leak all of it's transmission fluid all over Los Angeles. 

On a side note: I saw my first real prostitute in the middle of Oakland! It wasn't as glorious as I'd thought it would be. And there was no pimp. Greatly disappointed.

Transformed

In the last few years I've changed my taste in music so much and so drastically that it's made my head spin. I used to be glued to Power 106, reciting every single rap and hip hop lyric like I wrote the damn things. After finally realizing I wasn't black (in my defense, I do tan quite well in the summer), I shifted more into the mainstream alternative music. This was largely due to the clients I worked with. After realizing I like a little more girth to my music I turned more towards my way way younger days...heavier rock, classic rock, and even ventured as far as metal. I was now stuck on the Octane XM channel with Breaking Benjamins, Disturbed, Three Days Grace and Rammstein on heavy rotation. I don't want to say that I've strayed too far from those right now, but I'm finding myself digging for something else, something more.

More and more I'm throwing in industrial music and heavier trip hop mixed in with some dub step. I simply cannot get beats out of my head. Less about lyrics and more about getting my body and my ass moving.

Maybe in my old age I've re-kindled the desire to start dancing again. Not hip hop this time....dirtier, sharper, nasty trip hop....hm.

Gina and The Eastern Block

Another night of ears ringing (guess I haven't learned my lesson with ear plugs yet). 

This was quite possibly the best show I've seen in all of 2010. After spending the entire day contemplating going to the show, at 10:30 I finally decided I'll drag myself out. And I've never been happier that I forced myself out. 

We went to support a friend, Gina, in her debut solo project called "Gina and the eastern block". I had zero idea what this was about. This tiny firecracker hit the stage with a mic stand, a drummer, a guitar player stacked with guitar pedals to the ceiling..and a sample box. Simplicity. This trio made so much amazing noise that my jaw was ajar the entire 30 minute set. I was mesmerized by the drummer Mark (who has previously played with Mila Jovavich). I've never been one to stand at the front of the crowd and today I found myself there...being absolutely massaged from head to toe by earth shattering beats. I've been trying to figure out to what i can compare this style of music...and I really have nothing. The rawness of the drums coupled with the massively distorted guitar and gina's raspy voice...I can only say that I felt like I was transported to a small pub in London somewhere watching the best local talent rock the house. No words left. I walked out of the viper room still nodding my head to songs I just fell in love with...happier than I've been in a few months. Thank you Gina and you easy on the eyes eastern block boys. I'll be looking forward to the next show!

Basket Case

I feel like a basket of unfolded clean laundry today. All is good and clean...but it's still in a big messy pile. Precisely how my brain is. There are a million different thoughts and ideas running through my head and none are getting full attention. All I can think about is how much muscles hurt after the workout today. It was only two days skipped and  half a turkey eaten...did I get THAT used to working out every day? I don't know, but tiny little muscles hurt in between the usual hurting muscles. I'm starting to think that maybe I should get those toning shirts and pants and throw in the shoes for good measure...you know, to keep the body "working" while I walk to the kitchen for a snack. No? OK, fine.

The other thing on my mind was the complete ridiculousness of "black friday". I never understood it and I don't think I ever will. People waking up at the ass crack of the middle of the night to go stand in line to wait for a store to open at the ass crack of dawn to SHOP?! If someone actually gave me stuff for free...and threw in some cash on top, then I might consider getting up to shop that early. I despise "shopping". I must be missing some kind of chromosome. When I need something at the sore or, god forbid, the mall, I know what I need, know where to get it and how long it will take me to get the hell out of the store. There is no browsing and "shopping". I call it BUYING. The sole idea of walking around a mall "shopping" gives me anxiety. On a bright note, you could have played a full game of football on Ventura Blvd this morning. It was like a ghost town! The parking lot at the Topanga Mall? Not so much.

Hope you all had fun maxing out your credit cards for things people don't need and for that TV everyone keeps buying each year that is "OMG SO CHEAP ON BLACK FRIDAY!!!". How many TVs does one person need? Anyway. One day closer to my favorite Holiday. Tomorrow we may try to get the lights up....after doing the annual "after Turkey day face stuffing" get together.

Giving Thanks

I can't remember the last time I truly enjoyed thanksgiving this much. There wasn't a single soul that didn't belong although some family was missing and the void was definitely felt. Some just couldn't join us, others didn't have the option. I missed every single person that wasn't there. 

Today and every day I am thankful for the daily opportunity to be the best person I can be to those exact people. I'm thankful for a set of parents that although may not get along the best, will always get along enough to be MY parents. I'm thankful for a brother that cares and loves me more than any man I'll ever meet. I'm thankful for two hands full of souls that I proudly call my FAMILY. The crazy uncles that start arguments with everyone. The loving aunts whose hugs could cure diseases. The nieces and nephews that light up the room with smiles and silly stories. That cousins husbands nephews sister who we JUST met but already feel like we've known for years. My cousins that are all in their own way absolutely irreplaceable. 
I'm thankful for the moments spent on ATVs, horses, the open road, around the table, around the fireplace, on the floor laughing, telling jokes and poking fun. I'm thankful for the endless bank of memories that can never and will never be duplicated or replaced by any other.

Today, I'm also thankful for the opportunity to possibly adopt a baby girl kitten who was rescued by my uncle. She has, til now, lived in his barn. She's staying with me for the first time, cuddled up cozy in bed. I'm hoping my kibby let's her into our home with open paws...so far just growling and hissing at one another, but I'm hopeful. 

Last and certainly never least, I'm thankful for my best friend. To whom I publicly profess my love, because without you, I'm not sure where I would be. You've been my rock, my safety net, and the one and only soul that's understood me through the worst of me. Thank you, from the bottom of my frozen little heart. 

Amazing holiday. Thank god for the two photographers today otherwise I'd think it was all one big dream. 

Smells like the holidays are here

I am entirely too awake for 3am. I think sleeping til noon this "morning" didn't help matters. I couldn't get up any earlier because when I opened my eyes at my usual 8am, I felt like someone put crazy glue in my eyes and ran my body over with a cement roller. So I listened to my body and stayed put. After finally rolling out of bed it was time to get cooking on some of the thanksgiving dishes. Last trip to the store to pick up the ingredients for the home made corn bread and some wine, and we were ready to roll. 

I'm not much of a "house-broken" wife kind, but there are certain times where I can't help but be super domestic. I got slightly discouraged from cooking in my last relationship because my ex insisted on ALWAYS being right and starting fights over ridiculous shit that never mattered...like if the oil needs to go in a cold pan or a hot pan...I digress. Point is, it's taken me nearly 4 years to get back to ENJOYING cooking. 

So there it was, Terminator 2 on tv, best friend sitting at the bar cursing at the computer as she works on her photography, the "kids" sitting just next to anywhere I stood in the kitchen just in case I dropped anything they could vacuum up, and me...covered in flour, making the corn bread, the marshmallow yams and my favorite: dual colored jello cups! It wasn't so much the final products that made the night, as it was the process and the amazing smells making us drool the entire day. 

Can't wait to go to the ranch tomorrow and eat for hours, ride horses, ride bikes, grill something (anything), test the hammock, eat some more and enjoy the best things in life...family and the best of friends anyone can wish for and receive. 

It's Tricky...tricky...tricky...TRICKEAAYYY

Today I did something that I haven't done in a good 5 or 6 years....(the pause was for you to come up with something totally inappropriate yet funny)...played a video game. 

I used to stay up for hours til my thumbs were numb and all the food in the refrigerator was eaten. The endless nights of Grand Theft Auto, staying up til 5 in the morning, throwing things at the tv, yelling at the tv, throwing the remote, walking away, then coming back for 4 more hours. How about the days spent with the boys playing SSX Tricky, and kicking all their asses. Making a personal mission out of NBA Ballers. Challenging people in NFL Blitz. I was never into the other games. Sports and car games always kept enough of my attention. 

All day I had the urge to dust off my PS2 (ya I don't bother with the fancy new machines). I finally found all the cables and remotes...then realized I left all my favorite games to my ex in the divorce (I mean that jokingly...because if there was actually a divorce the games and our pet hamster would have been the only two things I'd be fighting for).

So I ventured out to Gamestop...half an hour and $20 later, I had a bag of 6 of my favorite games and a giant smile on my face.  I was like a kid on Christmas morning. I sat for a few hours playing SSX Tricky until my thumbs got sore and I must admit, I think I still remember the entire game. I like this better than watching stupid television programs to relax my brain and shut off for a little bit. 

Sometimes it's the trivial things in life that make you happy. 

And they've done it again

 Just when I thought they couldn't come up with anything more ridiculous than those ugly "toning" shoes....they go and throw a curve ball...toning shirts and pants. Really??


I'll be honest, some days I hate working out and have to literally drag my ass to SOME kind of field to run and do my routine. I'd love to put on a shirt and pants that do the work FOR me. But, really, do you think a few strategically placed elastic bands will do anything except leave crop circles on my skin??

I get it, working out blows. But come on. 

All fee'd out

Here's a little story about me having exactly $4 in cash and going in to a CVS to buy a case if water.

I walk in, and there it is. $3.88 with the CVS rewards card. Sweet. I bring the heavy ass pack to the register, swipe my rewards card, she rings me up and says "that's $5.08, please" to which I look at her...look back at the display of water with the sign as big as half my body that clearly reads "24 pack water $3.88" and then look at her and back at the sign...I do this until she realizes I mean "ummm hello?? I am reading that correctly, right? Did my card not go through?" She looks at me like I just had a space ship land on my head and goes "no, it went through, but you know there's a "convenience bottle" charge...it's $1.20". 

Nevermind the fact that I had to go to the car and get my wallet to pay with my card because, fuck me for wanting to actually use cash for once...and I only happened to have the $4.00 in my pocket. 

First of all, since when does having a bottle come with your purchased water a "convenience"?! Isn't the whole purpose of buying bottled water to have a BOTTLE of water?! Is there an option in buying my water and placing it straight into my body or maybe stashing some in my purse for later? Oh wait...that's called a water fountain! I'm PAYING for the BOTTLE in the first place! What the fuck am I paying a $1.20 for??

Why is this country plagued with fees for crap? Fees for things you'd never even come up with if you carried on a sober life. I'm gonna start charging people around me for the air I'm "conveniently" letting them breathe. Or how about renting out that lane you're in because hey what if I want to be in it at the same time and you're already in it? 

Next time, can I bring my own bottle container to CVS and just buy the $3.88 worth of liquid please? 

Retarded. That is the only word I have for this country's obsession with playing "let's charge fees and not tell anyone about them..nor give them a choice out". 

Time to switch to keeping my money under my mattress and getting water at the nearby well.

Close, but no tattoo.

I didn't forget to write a blog last night, I was just busy having one of the craziest nights ever. In some ways it was fun in others it was the furthest from fun. Details will be spared. 

I came from an art gallery with free small tattoos offered for free...without a tattoo. This alone qualifies the night as a success. I'll leave it at that. 

Back to regular programming later tonight with today's blog.

Cavity Search

There has been so much chaos raised about the "new" TSA security standards. I find it funny that 1. people are actually complaining about HEIGHTENED security and 2. that they feel its somehow a violation of their rights to be searched.

Maybe I'm wrong and I'm just the wrong demographic, but I've never had a problem being searched at the airport. And, yes, I have been searched....a few times. One look at my last name and I'm looked at like some kind of a spy in disguise. Anyway, the times that I do get searched and I see others searched it actually makes me feel a lot more comfortable knowing that the TSA is at least TRYING to stay ahead of any attempts at terrorism or random acts of stupidity. It takes 15 minutes and a free light-heavy petting massage but it can potentially catch someone trying to sneak something in. And yes, they do need to check UP your thigh and any other area where any person with a slightly higher IQ would try to stash something.

Seriously, what is the huge deal?? Wouldn't you rather let them do their job than go down in a fiery flame into a few high rise buildings because Ahmed next to you refused a pat-down!?

Don't get me wrong, I do think the TSA is panicky and tend to overboard on a few things like not letting me take my eczema lotion on board because it exceeds the 4oz rule and doesn't qualify as a life dependent medication...but in the same token, they are just trying to stay ahead of the people who ARE trying to sneak potentially threatening objects.

It's a nervous time of the year to travel and everyone wants to get to their destinations on time...and safely. So let them do their jobs and take it easier...makes everyone's day go by nicer and faster.

Life pause

Reflections. Decompression. And a day of quiet. Too much going on in the noggin to be able to write anything coherent. 

Inner...peace?

I just figured out why I'm more angry than "some" people. I don't blame anything on everyone else, I accept my mistakes and my stupidity as my own fuck ups. People who find "peace within themselves" are just a bunch of hypocritical lying sacks of shit that push blame on anyone but themselves. It angers me that not only do I take on the responsibility of my failures but I am also used as a scapegoat by those same assholes. Here's a big middle finger to you self entitled, meditating, pretentious, arrogant, self centered scum. 
I may be "angry at the world" because i don't understand a lot of whats happening, but at least I know when I fuck up all I need to do is fix it. And when I fix it, I can sleep at night. Eventually, pushed blame makes a full circle and comes right back to you. Karma is a heavy bitch that hits thrice as hard as you dish out. 

I no longer give a crap if I lose fiends by not allowing people to step all over me. In fact, if you are offended by me telling people to step off, you are not a friend. I'm perfectly satisfied having 2-3 true people in my life that UNDERSTAND me and know who I am and how I am to TRUE friends. My personality has sadly left me confused about the authenticity of people and the sincerity of their intents. My emotional self preservation is kicked into high gear. I no longer give a crap about anyone else's feelings and opinions of me except my family and the VERY few true friends I've managed to keep through a very hard battle of trust. Either prove your worth and sincerity or piss off.

Probably the harshest anyone will hear me speak. But...enough is enough.

Speak into my good ear

My ears are still ringing, feet and legs hurting, I see little dots in my eyes from the lights....it must have been a good night. 

Indeed it was. Finally dragged my ass out to see a show at the Roxy. Went to see my favorite thunder from down under boys, Juke Kartel. The boys delivered and put a smile on my face. Although I think Tobes may be fighting a cold or something cos the poor guy was spraying throat coat like it was going out of style tonight. And Tommy seemed to be in outer space thinking about everything but the gig? I totally feel you on that dude. The day was a rough one and it took everything I had to stay awake enough to get to the venue. 

It turned out the main course that night was a "band" called Street Drum Corps. It resembled STOMP, so I just HAD to see what it was all about. Now, before I get to them...I have to explain what we had to endure before SDC hit the stage. I don't know if any of you are familiar with Cisco Adler? Anyway, I didn't know who the fuck he was and don't really care to know. This douchebag and his jewfro friends took 45 minutes to set up a fucking conglomeration of synths, macs, sample machines, guitars, drums, widgets, hobbits and everything else not screwed down at the Roxy theatre! Alas, the Pigeons (yes, that's really the name of the band) took the stage. From the first note I'd wished someone would hit them in the face and drag them away into the wilderness to be buried in a shallow grave. How bands like this ever make a spot on ANY bill, is mind boggling to me. I can't even describe the "music". Total crap...doesn't even begin to describe it. After being molested in my ears and eyes for the LONGEST 20 minutes of my life, I was ready to help them off the stage...by throwing all their "gear" to the curb and giving it away to the less fortunate...(although I highly doubt there is anyone less fortunately completely and utterly un-talented). If the three douchkateers weren't enough, this posse of dumb, shrieking bitches they call "fans" (all 4 of them...I guess one skips a ride every time) were inches and seconds away from being curbed..by me. Sadly, I think their fake boobs would absorb all the impact and their plastic faces would stay intact. 

Anyway. Another 25 minutes after they disassembled their set and SDC was making me happy. Their set up is simple: drums, trash cans, pots and pans, car parts, bongos, and anything else that makes noise. The drums and bass were reverbing in every single blood cell in my body. If you didn't nod your head to at least one beat...you're either deaf or a member of the pigeons.
It's entirely too bad the Roxy has quite possibly the worst sound system and an even crappier sound guy, because they managed to fuck up the song that Tommy Lee joined on. 

All in all, great night for music....if I could just somehow erase that hour and a half of ass raping by...the pigeons. Now I have to go research who the hell this jackass is and how anyone in their right mind gave them even a second on any stage. Dear God. 

That is all. 

Note to self: WEAR EARPLUGS!!


 

I'm not gonna write you a love song...

I'll start by saying that I'm in no desperation for a relationship or even companionship. I've actually done quite well by myself and finally taking the time to do things for ME and focus on being healthy and happy. I realize I can't be happy WITH someone if I can't be happy with myself. This being said, I got quite bitter when I heard a love song on the radio today. At least I think it was bitterness. I actually said out loud "Oh GOD" and rolled my eyes when I heard it. Now this either means I'm not as much of a softie as I thought I was, or I am in fact bitter. I feel it's more the lacking sensitivity in recent months, but I could be wrong. Maybe it's the holiday season and upcoming rain and the desire to constantly cuddle with something.

Either way, this song made me cringe and made me want to slap lovey dovey couples across their silly faces.

Surface

I've been writing things that I call "surface" for a few days, only because I've been keeping really busy with getting the house finally finished and cozy enough to satisfy my Cancerian self. Not too many "deep" thoughts go through your head when you are sanding down doors, staining tables, hanging and re-hanging curtains...unless you consider "ok let's try not to cut anything off from the body", a deep thought. 

"Surface" writing, I think, is a good way to keep a momentum of writing without bogging myself down with super emotional and close to heart topics. 

Today's thought: how much I dislike super brightly lit places. I completely understand the necessity of properly lighting a room for functionality...like when you need to perform surgeries...or do some needle point work... Why in the name of all things cozy do people light their rooms with three 100watt light bulbs?? It seriously makes my skin twitch and burns my retinas. 

Look into some 40watt bulbs and please investigate the use of candles. Your wallet can thank me later.

Homeness

You know how you know that you're an adult? (aside from the fact that you finally no longer get carded for R rated movies) 

Spending a day running errands and going to home, hardware, and garden stores. Working on a room all day. Hanging new curtains. Working in the back yard. Grilling up some ribs and veggies and sitting outside at the picnic table with your parents....
....actually constitutes a good and FUN day. I don't know what happened but from 9am til about 11pm I didn't once sit and do nothing today. And it felt nice. 

I suppose this is a good thing seeing as how I've never really been too much of a clubber or a partyer. 

Feeding the homey Cancer makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. 

Drexting

A young girl was killed by a hit and run accident in front of the Roxy on Wednesday. A dark gray Bentley hit her while she was crossing at an intersection, throwing her 50 feet from impact, and fled the scene. He parked the car a mile away from the incident, removed the plates and left the car there overnight. He later turned himself in (attorney in hand). Charges are pending.

More and more people are being struck and killed by vehicles. With such a huge explosion in popularity of smart phones, I believe it's texting that is to blame. Rather the driver is to blame but the current addiction of distraction is texting. It's incredible to see how many people do the same dance of trying to answer texts while attempting to cohesively drive a vehicle. They are steering with their phones and typing at their steering wheels. 

I know Oprah made a huge deal out of this before asking people to take a pledge to stop texting while driving, but seriously folks...what text message is worth someone's life?? And why does Oprah need to be the one that opens your eyes? People can't even grasp the concept of a clutch and stick shift, let alone typing and splitting attention to your phone. 

Put that thing in your pocket or purse and let it do what it does until you get to your destination. No place is safe on the road because of this. People are getting murdered at green lights at crosswalks and intersections! 

Losing someone recently to vehicular man slaughter makes this a really sensitive subject. Please PLEASE save lives and answer phones and texts when you aren't on the road.

Yaaa, I'm gonna have to go ahead and ask you to come in on Sunday...

People who call subordinates and coworkers "honey", "buddy", and "sweetie" in a passive aggressive manner should be kicked swiftly in their respective genital areas. 

That is all. 

Why diets fail

Like many of us, I've tried a few diets in my life and failed miserably. I may not seem like I need to lose weight to the regular eye, but there have been times where I felt extra fluffy and just needed to eat BETTER. I don't know the exact statistics on the successes of diets but I'm fairly certain that less than 5% of all diets are actually successful. In dating a physical trainer for nearly 5 years there's one thing I learned (well, there's a lot more I learned but for the sake of time...) diets, for the most part, fail because it is too much of a drastic change for people to accept into their normal routine. You're not just changing eating habits, you're trying to change shopping habits, spending habits and acquired tastes. For someone who eats 8 times a day and doesn't distinguish between something healthy and unhealthy, it will be quite a challenge to go to eating 3 balanced, healthy meals. It makes me cringe when I see people who are used to eating McDonalds every day, go to eating salads. If you don't see the red flag there, you need to make an appointment with a nutritionist as soon as possible. You won't stick to it and you'll end up more upset that you failed yet another diet. (of course there are exceptions to every situation, some people really can do it, and more power to them!) 
In starting to work out again recently, I've also made it a point to adjust my eating habits. I know myself and I know my body. There are certain things I will never be able to change. For instance, no matter what I do, my metabolism burns everything I eat before 9pm and by 10pm I am plain out STARVING. Instead of starting a diet and not eating after 8pm, like I used to think was the right way to go, I simply adjust my late night snack from chips to carrots. 

My point being, diets fail because people take leaps instead of baby steps. Nothing gets accomplished (health wise) if you jump into something you are almost certainly going to quit. Moderation is the biggest key. I love chips. I still eat chips. Except now, instead of eating a small bag and chasing it down with a sprite, I'll eat a handful and drink water or tea. Instead of eating a loaded baked potato, I'll eat a plain baked potato or put just a tad of sour cream. 
I know if I take everything I'm used to away and replace it with things I don't normally like to eat, I'll be unhappy, hungry, and eventually quit the diet all together. 

Just a tip. Moderate rather than throwing yourself into starvation :)

Networking?

I watched the Facebook movie tonight and the first thing I wanted to do was go on facebook and bash Mark whatshisname. I sincerely hope he was somehow involved in making this movie and this was the "muted" down version of himself...because boy did he come out as the biggest douche nozzle to ever crawl this earth. Then I thought a little deeper....not only am I always ON facebook supporting this asswipe, but I would also be bashing him on HIS billion dollar creation. I then thought about re-instating my myspace account just to pull off a huge middle finger to him...and then I realized none of it matter.

I'm only this upset because 1. I realize he is the poster child for all that is wrong with this country. and 2. I am immensely jealous of not being like him.

I'll explain both.

1. The entire basis of the freedom of "enterprise" in the united states of bullshit, is the capacity of each individual to step on as many heads and toes to get themselves ahead of someone else to succeed. People will literally fuck their best friends and family just so they can be ahead. They lie, cheat, steal and throw one another under the bus just so they are the ones with the money. Firstly, I have never in my life been able to step behind someone or around someone to make sure I win in the end and who gives a fuck where that person ends up. Secondly, I can't even steal an extra sheet of toilet paper at the public bathroom if my life depended on it. I may have gypsy blood, but it seems to have all gone to the purpose of walking around barefoot and collecting random objects like rocks at various beaches. It absolutely SICKENS me to know that I can't be successful in this country unless I figure out a way to steal, cheat or betray someone. I have ideas, I have plans, I have million dollar concepts that I want to share with people and make them WORK...but I can't because of fear that I will end up screwed because I TRUST someone. Because of this movie I now have to act on some "intellectual property" that I've shared with people in good faith...now I fear they will use the idea and profit from it without even acknowledging my input on it.

2. For the same reason of not ever being someone that can cheat, or steal or step on anyone's head to get ahead in life, I fear that I won't have MY chance at making money from the ideas that I have. I am, in fact, completely jealous that people seem to lack a conscious. This guy absolutely believed he did NOTHING wrong...he STOLE someone's idea and made BILLIONS...not millions...BILLIONS on it. His price? 56million to shut them up for life. Just like they say...in proportion to his worth, 56 million is a speeding ticket. I would love to shit on someone's head, give them 56 million to shut up and keep the rest of my BILLIONS and wallow how nobody seems to like me...and boo fucking hoo, the girl who had enough balls to tell me off before I was a billionaire STILL thinks I'm a royal asshole. She bruised his ego by seeing right through him and his lack of humanity. Sadly, no amount of zeros in your bank account can buy you REAL friends, love, or a personality someone actually likes.

I sincerely hope he uses the money wisely and gives back to society SOME how. I also sincerely hope he is sterile. There is no need for any more greedy little bastards in this country.

Never been a patriot to this country, and this certainly doesn't help the matter. What else do I expect from a country who voted for a coke addicted alcoholic for president....TWICE. Fucking joke.

Grilled. Just how I like my hands.

First day back to working out went incredibly well. I'm not as out of shape as I thought I would be after almost a year of being out of commission. No muscle aches (yet), the routine went smoothly and I actually want to do MORE...which is better than being annoyed and not wanting to ever come back to it. 

Found a doggy at the park and returned it safely to it's owner. Panda, the mutt, was happy to see her daddy's car come to the rescue. 

After a day of errands it was time to do grill night...all was well until I decided to utilize the tongs as a holding device for the grate...which was nicely oiled in preparation for the peppers I was about to murder on it...and so tongs are not a good way to hold up the grill while it's scorching hot. It slipped right onto my forearm. Which would have been fine had it no been oiled..ad the oil is what did the trick of burning a nice grill pattern on my hand and forearm. I'm guessing second degree burns along with small spots of third degree bubbles. My worried mother would probably send me to the emergency room..but I'm gonna go ahead and save myself a couple hundred and see if it's still this painful in the morning and go to a regular appointment if it persists. I'm no stranger to burns. I've got it cleaned, burn cream and gauze wrapped. Should be all good. The stinging could let up just a bit, though. That's just annoying.

Food turned out amazing!

So there it is. 

Tomorrow we play some hoops for the workout. 

Censored

For a country that has the right for freedom of speech, there is certainly a lot of restriction put upon us to actually speak freely. 

People hold back saying what they actually want to say because of fears. Fear of being called a racist. Fear of not being a patriot. Fear of hurting peoples feelings. Fear of being judged. Fear of someone else using their right for free speech to hurt them in some way. So we censor. We are censored. 

No matter how much I want to say in my daily blogs, I hold back on so much of my true feelings about certain things and certain people. I not only censor what I write, I censor what I think about things. It drives me absolutely crazy that I am this person. The person who buries true feelings because of fears. Maybe it's a defense mechanism, maybe it's just manners. Whichever it is, I will never be 100% ME to anyone, through my blog or through any form of expression. There will always be a part of me that nobody will ever know. A secret. A feeling. A thought. Because if just one person knows me 100%...then what will be left of ME, for ME? 

I confide in a few people and even they know just the majority, not the whole. Because, somehow, that makes me feel safe from being hurt. 

Maybe it's right, or probably wrong, but it gets me through the days. 

Day by day

Today is one of those days where I have a lot on my mind but either can't seem to put it into words or just don't feel like talking about any of it. 

I've been compiling a work out routine for myself to start next week. Something I can adhere to and try not to abandon. When I'm not feeling the greatest I tend to get lazy and run away from workouts that kick my ass on first try. 

Gonna start off slowly and get back into my normal 45 minute daily routine.

On a not so happy note: I seem to have bruised a rib somehow whilst moving some really heavy crap around. Hurts to breathe in but not enough to keep me from doing a whole bunch of things around the house.

On a happy note: I restocked on my favorite candles today. That simple fact makes me ridiculously happy. 

Feelin a bit run over tonight. Calling it a night. 

10 years ago

Remember when you're in high school and in your senior year of English class your teachers ask you to write about where you see yourself in 10 years?

Right now would be that 10 year mark and I must say, I am far from the person I pictured myself to be 10 years ago. Not in any bad way, I'm just nothing like the person I thought I would be. I thought for sure I'd be married with a few kids. I never thought that at 28, I wouldn't feel "ready" to be a parent. It seemed like such a long time from 28 back then. I thought it was enough time to take over the world!

It amazes me how much my interests, tastes and general outlook on life have changed since my senior year of high school. In college I changed majors 3 times. Having picked business as my major, I now wonder if I cut myself short of a much more interesting career choice. I started off wanting to be a forensic investigator, then switched to biology, and crashed into the business program with ease. 

Although business seems like a steady and secure field of study, I often regret not finishing the forensic studies. I'm absolutely fascinated by the line of work. And biology...well, that just came easy to me. I have an incredible ability to remember things in lectures without even taking notes, and absorbing material was always a breeze for me. I literally could read a page, close my eyes and recite the entire thing back to you.

Who knows, maybe it's not too late to apply my real interests and pursue a degree in forensics or figure something out with biology. 

Just a thought...

Let's put that here...wait no...move it back...try this here...

I don't know if its the 100 degree weather in the middle of what SHOULD be winter, but I am just absolutely beat today. It seems like a lot of people slept really poorly last night. Myself not excluded. I spent the entire day dragging my ass to do what I needed to get done and in the end found myself face down on my bed not being able to move a single muscle.

As much as it is fun to constantly change things in your house and room, it is also really exhausting. I hope I settle on the room arrangement soon because I'm running out of fuel to move the heavy crap around!

On a much more productive note, I'm starting my workout routine next week, and I'm really happy and excited about it. Also, tomorrow the Woodland Hills Ice Rink opens for the season and I cannot WAIT to strap on my skates and get back on the ice. I'm expecting lots of ass bruises along with a few kids being completely ran over with my always-rusty stopping skills. One day, I'll conquer the ever so cool looking snow stop....til then, lock up your kids, there's a 120lbs freight train on the loose! :)

Serenity

Sometimes life throws lemons your way, sometimes it throws obstacles, and other times it throws shitty people in your general direction. 

I'm first to admit that many times in the past I've let all those things get to me and bring me down. I've also come to realize those things don't define ME as a person, therefore it's stupid to dwell on them. If there is something I can do to change a situation, that's the only time my efforts and determination matter. There is no sense in trying to fight off something that is unchangeable. You either accept it or move on from it. When it comes to people in your life there is absolutely no sense in trying to make anyone see things your way, or trying to change anything. People are the way they are. They will either accept you for you and try to understand you...or they won't. Period. It's a sad fact because my entire life I've done everything to give people a million chances to be a friend. Forgiving and forgetting shitty things said and done...only to be used and abused in return. I'm not saying I'm changing who I am, but the chances to fuck me over and move on are far less available to people now. It's better for me and in the end it's better for everyone. 

I revert to the all known prayer: "...grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
The courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference." 

I have the serenity to accept things, I have the courage to change the things I can...all I need now is the wisdom.

Types of Stereos

I find it funny that people are offended by stereotypes. By definition a stereotype in sociology is \ . "a simplified and standardized conception or image invested with special meaning and held in common by members of a group". Stereotypes are there for a reason. Ideas and concepts about certain groups don't just pop out of nowhere and without previous example. Russians drink Vodka....in fact they really do....a lot of it. Italians talk with their hands....they most certainly do. Black people like watermelon and chicken? You tell me. When a black kid makes a youtube video proclaiming how much he loves chicken, it only feeds the stereotype further. And really what the hell is so wrong with saying that?? 


People are so stuck on racism and prejudice that any "majority" rule gets taken with such offense. Nobody is saying that ALL Russians drink Vodka til their liver cries for help, or that ALL black people can't live one day without fried chicken and watermelon! It's a matter of majority...and people really need to calm down with the defenses. 


I'll say this much, if you don't like a certain stereotype you've been placed into, become a contradiction...an outlier to the norm. I'm Russian, and I can't stand alcohol, let alone Vodka. So the first thing people say when they find out I'm Russian is "oh cool! you must drink tons of Vodka". No, I don't, but some of my family members sure do cover that stereotype FOR me! You don't see me getting my panties into a twist over it.


Go out, be free. Live up to your cookie cutter, or be the dough that's outside the cutter. Whatever you do, just be YOU.

One for the books

Here's a stat sheet for the day:

1 crack on the noggin from the truck lid
1 busted knee
1 minor electricution
1 iPhone in the toilet
1 massive headache from heat exhaustion/dehydration

I'm glad this day is over. I'm pretty sure I was on a mission to get killed. I've successfully wrapped myself in bubble wrap and crawled into bed. Tomorrow, please.

Inception

I want to preface by saying that I'm writing this at 6:00am after a full night of insomnia on a day where I was falling asleep and couldn't keep my eyes open to save my life. I hit these bouts of sleeplessness and sometimes my brain decides to have fun with me by trowing out completely random and obnoxious thoughts. So here it goes...at the risk of sounding completely bonkers...take nothing I write for face value because most likely I won't even remember writing this after I finally sleep:

Have you ever pondered the idea that maybe the reality we live is just our subconscious? That in fact our conscious is something other than what we see as reality...maybe we don't actually physically exist and the reality we live is just a figment of our minds or souls. Maybe what we experience are just moments of memories in our souls floating along until we find another body to occupy. What if the reason some things that SHOULD make sense, don't because they aren't real. 

I remember watching "a Beautiful mind" and being absolutely blown away by the idea that this man lived his life thinking he had those people in his life...and in the end...in reality, he was completely alone. Granted he was clinically crazy, but it's the same idea. We live life surrounded by family and friends and memories and activities...who's to say they are in fact...LIFE. 

Another way to think of it is kind of like the Matrix...maybe we took the blue pill? Would certainly explain Deja Vu! Because I swear some days I feel like I wake up knowing a whole lot more crap than I did the night before! Maybe the insomnia is what I feel while another program is being uploaded into my brain. I should ask to be uploaded with some mixed martial arts program..see if I can tackle Neo in the next fight.

I should really stop watching those kinds of movies. Clearly my brain takes them too seriously. 

And so it is...this is where my brain goes at 6:00am. Don't mind it. I'm sure sleep will make everything normal again. 

P.S. It's now midnight the next night, I JUST watched Inception and I am now fully afraid of my mind. Having never seen the movie before, my brain went exactly into the same idea that the movie depicted. Sometimes being dumb is much easier than having really deep thoughts.

Time for sleep.