The last month has been one of the best months in a long while. I'm finally starting to feel like my old self...which makes me wonder if my old self was as good as I thought I was back then. I took a lot of things for granted. Like being able to work out every night, playing intense sports like hockey (and living to talk about it the next day), going out almost every night, seeing endless shows every week, going to sleep at the wee hours of the night and waking up at 6am every morning half asleep, working 10-12 hours a day...I definitely burned the candle at 6 ends without putting much thought into my body not being able to handle the physical strain I was putting on it along with the insane amount of mental stress. I'm absolutely understanding how I got myself into this predicament in the first place. It's definitely easier to pace yourself than to dig yourself out of a deep hole!
I'll be starting a normal workout routine again very soon along with starting to skate again. This time, I'll try to limit my physical strain and eliminate the mental stress all together.
It's looking up. I don't know which change in my life has gotten me here, or perhaps it's the entire combination of events...but I like it...I like it a lot.
Happy Hallows eve! Nothing better than avoiding the slut-fest which we call Halloween parties, here in Los Angeles, by enjoying some low key BBQ time with amazing company. Hope the "ladybugs", "nurses", and "vampires" brought an extra skimpy layer, it's bloody COLD tonight!!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
But offislur...
I want to know once and for all if it is in fact a myth that CHP and traffic police have a monthly quota that they have to hit...
I drive the same route daily and it never fails, at the end of the month I see the same speed trap set up at the same stretch of road.
First, I'd like to call bullshit on cops when they completely deny having a quota to fill. Just admit it. Like every other agency, there are certain rules, regulations and practices that must be followed...and I believe monthly quotas are one of them.
Secondly, the people that drive this same route and get pulled over...you've no doubt seen others get pulled over for speeding in the same trap every month, I can't help but point and laugh when I see you pulled over. I know these spots and when driving past them, I simply slow my roll. So stop irritably going around me and giving me the evil eye. Maybe next time you should follow my lead and avoid a ticket and traffic school.
Cop friends, please clarify this once and for all for me...quota or no quota?
I drive the same route daily and it never fails, at the end of the month I see the same speed trap set up at the same stretch of road.
First, I'd like to call bullshit on cops when they completely deny having a quota to fill. Just admit it. Like every other agency, there are certain rules, regulations and practices that must be followed...and I believe monthly quotas are one of them.
Secondly, the people that drive this same route and get pulled over...you've no doubt seen others get pulled over for speeding in the same trap every month, I can't help but point and laugh when I see you pulled over. I know these spots and when driving past them, I simply slow my roll. So stop irritably going around me and giving me the evil eye. Maybe next time you should follow my lead and avoid a ticket and traffic school.
Cop friends, please clarify this once and for all for me...quota or no quota?
Missing: common curtesy, please call if found.
So I wrote this last night and forgot to post it...rather, I fell asleep while posting. Anyway, here it is. Another one is coming tonight.
I will admit to having a lot of pet peeves and expecting certain things from the human race as a whole. That being said, I also believe there are the bare minimums of common curtesy that people should come with that qualify you as a human.
Please explain to me why people go into "10 items or less" express lanes with a basket full of crap and are shocked when the cashier tells them to please not do this next time. Ok so usually this would irritate the hell out of me but this time I just laughed it off along with the other 4 people in line behind this lady....until.....she pulls out her check book...REALLY lady?? You just raped the cashier with 6000 items and you're gonna whip out the check book?? AND she asks for cash back....
It's things like this that just make me wonder what in the world is going on in this lady's head that she completely disregards 5 other people in line with 2 items or less and does what she wants.
I don't know if it's this city, this state or this country, but I'm seeing less and less common curtesy and it's really depressing to realize it.
I will admit to having a lot of pet peeves and expecting certain things from the human race as a whole. That being said, I also believe there are the bare minimums of common curtesy that people should come with that qualify you as a human.
Please explain to me why people go into "10 items or less" express lanes with a basket full of crap and are shocked when the cashier tells them to please not do this next time. Ok so usually this would irritate the hell out of me but this time I just laughed it off along with the other 4 people in line behind this lady....until.....she pulls out her check book...REALLY lady?? You just raped the cashier with 6000 items and you're gonna whip out the check book?? AND she asks for cash back....
It's things like this that just make me wonder what in the world is going on in this lady's head that she completely disregards 5 other people in line with 2 items or less and does what she wants.
I don't know if it's this city, this state or this country, but I'm seeing less and less common curtesy and it's really depressing to realize it.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Just another day
I'm still trying to figure out if Oct 27 was a day from hell or if it's just something to learn from and laugh it off. I'll do this blog time-line style and try to figure out if I want to laugh or cry later.
8:45am: Wake up from an intense dream in which I snap on someone, push them to hit me first only to end up bashing their head into the ground, having my nose broken and throwing up blood while they end up unconscious.I have no clue what to think of this...except that there has never been ONE single person to ever push me to that edge...and somehow this person did.
9:00am-9:30am: Lay in bed in a soaking wet shirt from sweat gasping for air wondering what the hell just happened in my dream.
11:00am: Move on from the dream, shower, get dressed and get on the road to downtown to the garment district.
11:00am-12:30pm: Sit in traffic with strange windy but hot weather where neither having the window up NOR down seems to feel right. Get off the freeway (aka stopway) to get some food. Get back on the freeway, sit in more traffic.
12:30pm: Finally arrive in downtown, park and get going.
12:30pm-2:30pm: Operation "takeover" is in full research mode. A lot gets done in these hours. Everything we planned to get done actually gets done and we are able to run around Santee Alley just for the hell of it, shop a little, eat a hot dog(I opt out if one) and some chilli mango (I have one piece). This is important info for future reference.
2:45pm-3:00pm: Walk back to the car....reach for keys in my pocket....no keys. Search backback....no keys....search purse....no keys.
3:00pm: FUCK. I lost my car keys.
3:00pm-4:00pm: Trace back every single step of the last 3 hours....twice....no keys. Security, police, ganitors,sales people....not a soul has picked up my keys, or has reported them, or returned them to any authority. Great news...NOT.
4:00pm: Realizing this is now a lost cause we head back to my car (which I may remind you is a 1984 Cadillac El Dorado....I have (had) the only set of original keys that are now in someone else's pocket). Calling AAA in hopes of maybe getting towed to the house so I can deal with this later.
4:15pm: AAA lets me know they can have a locksmith come out and duplicate both the ignition and door keys (two different keys) AND they cover up to $100 in parts and labor. Sweet. Send them out please.
4:30pm: Locksmith arrives. Opens the door in all of 30 seconds. I'm thinking I may not even need a door key at this point. He gets out a set of about 20 keys that he proceeds to try one after another in the ignition in (both of our) hopes that one will match and we can both get on our marry way. No such luck. He informs me he will need to remove my steering wheel to get to the ignition mechanism to do his magic. Sure thing, batman, do what you gotta do...I'm gonna sit back and watch you do this because at this point I am tired, hungry and just want to sit down.
4:45pm-6:20pm: This is where I mention the fact that the lot in which we parked closes at 6:30pm SHARP, as it's so nicely written on the sign right in front of us. Everything that can go wrong DOES go wrong in the process of removing and replacing the steering wheel. my steering wheel seems to be the most supperest of all duper steering wheels ever made, bolts don't fit, screws get stripped, he has to re-thread some things while trying not to break anything in the process, the horn attachment is a pain in the ass that keeps popping out JUST as soon as he ALMOST finishes...fyi my car comes equipped with an air horn...so every time the fucking thing slipped, the entire parking structure is filled with the most alarming air horn, waking up half the neighborhood and some people in China. Did I mention that we are parked right above Santee Alley and some jackass is selling some kind of toy that sounds like nothing we'd ever heard...a weird mix between a crying child and an animal in dire need of a nap?! This is mixed in with a random sound of another sales person demonstrating what seems to be a tazer gun...between those three sounds, I'm now twitching at every sound I hear.
6:20pm: It's looking more and more like we may be spending the night in this parking structure, so I decide instead of also dying of hunger, I may as well go down the street for my second meal of the day....a hot dog. We walk down the street...and up the street...all hotdog vendors are closed. All restaurants are closed. Any form of food is CLOSED. I spot a vending machine so I can at least get some juice or some kind of sugar in my system...annnnd it's broken. Awesome. Well, I might as well go pee. Sure!....not so much. That's also closed.
6:25pm: Upon my return from my unsuccessful venture for food and pee break, Manuel lets me know he finally got everything back the way it needs to be, hands me two keys, takes $95, and we are fucking OUT of there with 3 minutes to spare before the lot closes for the night. Thank you Manuel.
6:28pm-8:15pm: Two words: FUCKING TRAFFIC. After about an hour and a half we finally get out of the nightmare that is Downtown Los Angeles traffic, and pull off the freeway to get something, ANYTHING to eat. Between the hunger and the exhaustion, the delirium had caught up with both me and LL. We are 2 seconds from crying as we are laughing hysterically and singing anything from Journey to Adam Lambert.
8:30pm: Stop. Drop. Roll. I literally stopped for 2 seconds as I dropped off LL lol I had about 3 more minutes of sanity left in me and i needed to keep it for the drive home. This is where I have to thank her for being there with me today, because without her and my Buspar prescription, I believe there would have been some bodies and a news report. Thank you, for, once again, keeping me sane through what seemed to be a bad nightmare.
8:40pm: Home. Shower. Rest.
9:00pm-present: Trying to figure out how I managed not to snap and re-enact my dream from last night. I have blisters on my toes, my face hurts from this stupid windy cold weather, my head is pounding from going WAAAAAAYYYY too long without food for being a hypoglycemic, my entire body is sore from walking for hours, my wallet hates me for spending an extra unnecessary $95, my brain hates me for being stupid and losing keys...and yet, I still feel really accomplished.
I'm gonna just call it a day. Lesson learned. Advil and happy pill....I am done with this day.
8:45am: Wake up from an intense dream in which I snap on someone, push them to hit me first only to end up bashing their head into the ground, having my nose broken and throwing up blood while they end up unconscious.I have no clue what to think of this...except that there has never been ONE single person to ever push me to that edge...and somehow this person did.
9:00am-9:30am: Lay in bed in a soaking wet shirt from sweat gasping for air wondering what the hell just happened in my dream.
11:00am: Move on from the dream, shower, get dressed and get on the road to downtown to the garment district.
11:00am-12:30pm: Sit in traffic with strange windy but hot weather where neither having the window up NOR down seems to feel right. Get off the freeway (aka stopway) to get some food. Get back on the freeway, sit in more traffic.
12:30pm: Finally arrive in downtown, park and get going.
12:30pm-2:30pm: Operation "takeover" is in full research mode. A lot gets done in these hours. Everything we planned to get done actually gets done and we are able to run around Santee Alley just for the hell of it, shop a little, eat a hot dog(I opt out if one) and some chilli mango (I have one piece). This is important info for future reference.
2:45pm-3:00pm: Walk back to the car....reach for keys in my pocket....no keys. Search backback....no keys....search purse....no keys.
3:00pm: FUCK. I lost my car keys.
3:00pm-4:00pm: Trace back every single step of the last 3 hours....twice....no keys. Security, police, ganitors,sales people....not a soul has picked up my keys, or has reported them, or returned them to any authority. Great news...NOT.
4:00pm: Realizing this is now a lost cause we head back to my car (which I may remind you is a 1984 Cadillac El Dorado....I have (had) the only set of original keys that are now in someone else's pocket). Calling AAA in hopes of maybe getting towed to the house so I can deal with this later.
4:15pm: AAA lets me know they can have a locksmith come out and duplicate both the ignition and door keys (two different keys) AND they cover up to $100 in parts and labor. Sweet. Send them out please.
4:30pm: Locksmith arrives. Opens the door in all of 30 seconds. I'm thinking I may not even need a door key at this point. He gets out a set of about 20 keys that he proceeds to try one after another in the ignition in (both of our) hopes that one will match and we can both get on our marry way. No such luck. He informs me he will need to remove my steering wheel to get to the ignition mechanism to do his magic. Sure thing, batman, do what you gotta do...I'm gonna sit back and watch you do this because at this point I am tired, hungry and just want to sit down.
4:45pm-6:20pm: This is where I mention the fact that the lot in which we parked closes at 6:30pm SHARP, as it's so nicely written on the sign right in front of us. Everything that can go wrong DOES go wrong in the process of removing and replacing the steering wheel. my steering wheel seems to be the most supperest of all duper steering wheels ever made, bolts don't fit, screws get stripped, he has to re-thread some things while trying not to break anything in the process, the horn attachment is a pain in the ass that keeps popping out JUST as soon as he ALMOST finishes...fyi my car comes equipped with an air horn...so every time the fucking thing slipped, the entire parking structure is filled with the most alarming air horn, waking up half the neighborhood and some people in China. Did I mention that we are parked right above Santee Alley and some jackass is selling some kind of toy that sounds like nothing we'd ever heard...a weird mix between a crying child and an animal in dire need of a nap?! This is mixed in with a random sound of another sales person demonstrating what seems to be a tazer gun...between those three sounds, I'm now twitching at every sound I hear.
6:20pm: It's looking more and more like we may be spending the night in this parking structure, so I decide instead of also dying of hunger, I may as well go down the street for my second meal of the day....a hot dog. We walk down the street...and up the street...all hotdog vendors are closed. All restaurants are closed. Any form of food is CLOSED. I spot a vending machine so I can at least get some juice or some kind of sugar in my system...annnnd it's broken. Awesome. Well, I might as well go pee. Sure!....not so much. That's also closed.
6:25pm: Upon my return from my unsuccessful venture for food and pee break, Manuel lets me know he finally got everything back the way it needs to be, hands me two keys, takes $95, and we are fucking OUT of there with 3 minutes to spare before the lot closes for the night. Thank you Manuel.
6:28pm-8:15pm: Two words: FUCKING TRAFFIC. After about an hour and a half we finally get out of the nightmare that is Downtown Los Angeles traffic, and pull off the freeway to get something, ANYTHING to eat. Between the hunger and the exhaustion, the delirium had caught up with both me and LL. We are 2 seconds from crying as we are laughing hysterically and singing anything from Journey to Adam Lambert.
8:30pm: Stop. Drop. Roll. I literally stopped for 2 seconds as I dropped off LL lol I had about 3 more minutes of sanity left in me and i needed to keep it for the drive home. This is where I have to thank her for being there with me today, because without her and my Buspar prescription, I believe there would have been some bodies and a news report. Thank you, for, once again, keeping me sane through what seemed to be a bad nightmare.
8:40pm: Home. Shower. Rest.
9:00pm-present: Trying to figure out how I managed not to snap and re-enact my dream from last night. I have blisters on my toes, my face hurts from this stupid windy cold weather, my head is pounding from going WAAAAAAYYYY too long without food for being a hypoglycemic, my entire body is sore from walking for hours, my wallet hates me for spending an extra unnecessary $95, my brain hates me for being stupid and losing keys...and yet, I still feel really accomplished.
I'm gonna just call it a day. Lesson learned. Advil and happy pill....I am done with this day.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Rams, insects and such
I've always been into astrology and analyzing people's behaviors based on their astrological signs. Tonight my bestie and I were watching a show and decided to see if we can guess the signs of these people simply based on how they were acting. I'm shocked to report that we guess 5/5!
I know not everybody believes in this and it's not a perfect science but there's something to say about scorpios being scorpios and cancers being cancers. I've never met a Scorpio that wasn't an aggressive and extremely sexual person. Never met a cancer that wasn't a sensitive mushy mess. Never met an Aries that wasn't self centered and tenacious beyond all limits. Makes me wonder if by knowing what these signs have to offer, we look for them specifically in people born in that range or if it's really the nature of these people to have these characteristics.
I've always been told I'm not a typical cancer in many ways, and I'd have to agree. My best friend is an Aries and is also very atypical. In a real world of astrology the two of us would need to run for the hills from each other because an Aries would destroy a cancer within minutes and the cancer would end up crying and self destructing for years after. Yet being that we are both absolute paradoxes of our signs, we actually not only get along well, we complement each other's signs. We are actually learning what we lack in our respective signs from each other.
So although I'm a believer that a person's astrological sign may be the basis for their character, it's the people we surround ourselves with and the environment we grow up in, that actually determines what kind of personality we really are....
That said, I'll still run for the hills from most Aries, Leos, and Scorpios. Those signs just plain out scare the softie that is the Cancer.
I know not everybody believes in this and it's not a perfect science but there's something to say about scorpios being scorpios and cancers being cancers. I've never met a Scorpio that wasn't an aggressive and extremely sexual person. Never met a cancer that wasn't a sensitive mushy mess. Never met an Aries that wasn't self centered and tenacious beyond all limits. Makes me wonder if by knowing what these signs have to offer, we look for them specifically in people born in that range or if it's really the nature of these people to have these characteristics.
I've always been told I'm not a typical cancer in many ways, and I'd have to agree. My best friend is an Aries and is also very atypical. In a real world of astrology the two of us would need to run for the hills from each other because an Aries would destroy a cancer within minutes and the cancer would end up crying and self destructing for years after. Yet being that we are both absolute paradoxes of our signs, we actually not only get along well, we complement each other's signs. We are actually learning what we lack in our respective signs from each other.
So although I'm a believer that a person's astrological sign may be the basis for their character, it's the people we surround ourselves with and the environment we grow up in, that actually determines what kind of personality we really are....
That said, I'll still run for the hills from most Aries, Leos, and Scorpios. Those signs just plain out scare the softie that is the Cancer.
Approach with caution
I'm not sure if you've ever tried arguing with a pms-ing woman, but it's something like arguing with a toddler who remembers everything and has no problem throwing out random things you did months and maybe years ago.
You start off arguing about the simplest things like why you left the light on in the bathroom, and then the "annnnddd, I hate when you leave the fork on the table after eating!" and the "yeah well, last month you forgot my best friend's cousin's baby's birthday!!!" "why can't you just KNOW when i want a (fill in the most ridiculous request ever made by a human)?!?"
What the hell is wrong with us?? Seriously. We need to be locked up in a dungeon and left to bleed for a few days until all the resentment and crazy comes out. What's worse is we actually see ourselves going into the downward spiral but there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop ourselves.
Oh hormones, how we love you...but really, can you take it easy on us?
You start off arguing about the simplest things like why you left the light on in the bathroom, and then the "annnnddd, I hate when you leave the fork on the table after eating!" and the "yeah well, last month you forgot my best friend's cousin's baby's birthday!!!" "why can't you just KNOW when i want a (fill in the most ridiculous request ever made by a human)?!?"
What the hell is wrong with us?? Seriously. We need to be locked up in a dungeon and left to bleed for a few days until all the resentment and crazy comes out. What's worse is we actually see ourselves going into the downward spiral but there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop ourselves.
Oh hormones, how we love you...but really, can you take it easy on us?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Che sera
Getting back into the swing of things really reminds me of the life I used to lead. I'm kinda jealous of the things I used to do, the balls I had before the rug got swept from under my feet. I'm still just as ambitious as ever but I'm more reluctant now. I think things through a lot more and I'm a lot more cautious about the choices I make.
Working on 1/3 the energy and tenacity as I had before, I've realized I'm also missing out on some things too. I'm not too concerned about it, though. Taking it easy as far as getting back to a hundred percent is probably much better than blowing through life, balls to the wall...at least for the time being.
I do semi regret missing my 10 year high school reunion....for both schools. I've kept in touch with a lot of people from the high school I actually graduated from, it's the other high school reunion I would have loved to pop in to. If not for reconnecting but to remind people of the "little" people that also attended their class. To show everyone that though we may have come from different economic backgrounds, we are all in the same place now....not sure if that's more of a statement for myself or everyone else, however. I don't know if that chip on my shoulder will ever fall off or be brushed off. I'm just as bitter about some people and situations as I was the day that school booted me out lol maybe one day I'll get over it.
It's fun to see the pictures and see how some people stayed completely the same and yet others changed drastically. Some of the popular kids are now just part of the "crowd" and look like every other person in the city, while some of the outcast kids have turned into stunningly good looking people. Then there's the ridiculously good looking kids that just got more ridiculously good looking....and that's just not fair lol
Would have loved to proudly wear my senior geekdom picture and see some old friends.
Che sera, sera. I'll be sure to make the next reunions.
Really amazingly relaxing and yet fun filled day today with the god daughter and my niece. Always been good with kids...but today was kinda scary for how well I manage two kids. And I have the tiredness to prove it.
Working on 1/3 the energy and tenacity as I had before, I've realized I'm also missing out on some things too. I'm not too concerned about it, though. Taking it easy as far as getting back to a hundred percent is probably much better than blowing through life, balls to the wall...at least for the time being.
I do semi regret missing my 10 year high school reunion....for both schools. I've kept in touch with a lot of people from the high school I actually graduated from, it's the other high school reunion I would have loved to pop in to. If not for reconnecting but to remind people of the "little" people that also attended their class. To show everyone that though we may have come from different economic backgrounds, we are all in the same place now....not sure if that's more of a statement for myself or everyone else, however. I don't know if that chip on my shoulder will ever fall off or be brushed off. I'm just as bitter about some people and situations as I was the day that school booted me out lol maybe one day I'll get over it.
It's fun to see the pictures and see how some people stayed completely the same and yet others changed drastically. Some of the popular kids are now just part of the "crowd" and look like every other person in the city, while some of the outcast kids have turned into stunningly good looking people. Then there's the ridiculously good looking kids that just got more ridiculously good looking....and that's just not fair lol
Would have loved to proudly wear my senior geekdom picture and see some old friends.
Che sera, sera. I'll be sure to make the next reunions.
Really amazingly relaxing and yet fun filled day today with the god daughter and my niece. Always been good with kids...but today was kinda scary for how well I manage two kids. And I have the tiredness to prove it.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Karma
I'm a firm believer in karma. I spend most of my entire days doing things the way I would like for things to be done upon me. I hold doors for people, I help people out if they have a question, I smile at people, I try to admit whenever I'm wrong, I don't litter...for the most part I try to do what my mom has always taught me to be "the right thing". I've given up my road rage and let people be on the road...if you're driving like an ass I'll just let you do it else where, as long as you're not putting others in danger, do what you will. You never know if the person in front of you going 40 in the middle lane of the freeway is driving their first freeway, who the hell am I to scare the living crap out of them by honking or yelling profanities?
This said, I've been wondering lately if the shit that I've gotten in the last year is karma catching up with me or if it's the way karma is looking for the people responsible for some of the shit going on...did I royally fuck up somewhere in the past and now I'm being punished by shitty selfish people? Or does this shit just follow the shitty people and it's their karma that's gearing up to work overtime?
Whichever it is, it makes me be a better person regardless. I'll take the bullshit as a lesson and move on knowing how NOT to treat others. And them? Well...karma is fair. Somehow the universe makes everything even.
This said, I've been wondering lately if the shit that I've gotten in the last year is karma catching up with me or if it's the way karma is looking for the people responsible for some of the shit going on...did I royally fuck up somewhere in the past and now I'm being punished by shitty selfish people? Or does this shit just follow the shitty people and it's their karma that's gearing up to work overtime?
Whichever it is, it makes me be a better person regardless. I'll take the bullshit as a lesson and move on knowing how NOT to treat others. And them? Well...karma is fair. Somehow the universe makes everything even.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Back in 10
Some days I'm strapped for thoughts. Or maybe my head is overfilled with thoughts? I don't know what the case was today. I know I woke up super late today... super tired (mainly from waking up to every single small sound in the house thinking it was the ghost/demon from the movie coming to snap my neck like a kit kat bar). After "helping" my bestie paint what is really my room in her house, we were just completely worn out. I was so fixated on whatever was going on in my head that I barely spoke all day. I seem to have days where I'm so internally focused that I forget I'm present in a room and people may be talking to me. It's almost an auto pilot mode where I'm really calm and quiet but by looking at me you'll know it's anything but calm and quiet inside my head.
Lately I've just been fighting between acting on impulses and acting like an adult. Also battling my normally passive demeanor an forgiving nature by not giving into it. I have to remind myself on a daily basis why I feel the way I feel about certain things and how they haven't changed so why should I change the way I feel about it? Seems easy enough. Not to a stupid Cancer child. In this sense, we seem to have the memory of a fly. Anyway, I digress.
I'm grabbing my god daughter and her sister tomorrow for a sleep over so I can put the endless bundles of energy to work lol decorating the house for Halloween, carve some pumpkins, arts, crafts, feed them sugar and send them back to their parents to deal with the consequences. Its what god mothers are supposed to do. I read up on it. But seriously, I haven't hung out with them in ages and I miss feeling old and getting filled in on the trends and cools of today's pre teens. This should be somewhat entertaining. I'm planning on also making sure they aren't getting bullied in school and god save them if THEY are the bullies.
I'd write something more deep than this...but my head is far too consumed to be able to think and write all at once.
There's always tomorrow.
Lately I've just been fighting between acting on impulses and acting like an adult. Also battling my normally passive demeanor an forgiving nature by not giving into it. I have to remind myself on a daily basis why I feel the way I feel about certain things and how they haven't changed so why should I change the way I feel about it? Seems easy enough. Not to a stupid Cancer child. In this sense, we seem to have the memory of a fly. Anyway, I digress.
I'm grabbing my god daughter and her sister tomorrow for a sleep over so I can put the endless bundles of energy to work lol decorating the house for Halloween, carve some pumpkins, arts, crafts, feed them sugar and send them back to their parents to deal with the consequences. Its what god mothers are supposed to do. I read up on it. But seriously, I haven't hung out with them in ages and I miss feeling old and getting filled in on the trends and cools of today's pre teens. This should be somewhat entertaining. I'm planning on also making sure they aren't getting bullied in school and god save them if THEY are the bullies.
I'd write something more deep than this...but my head is far too consumed to be able to think and write all at once.
There's always tomorrow.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Normal Activity
So I just got back from a midnight screen
ing of paranormal activity 2...its only the 3rd time I ever got my ass out to a midnight screening of anything. And it was the imax experience version too.
I won't say I don't believe in paranormal activity but I've never really been one to scream from fear...I believe in ghosts and demons, I just respectfully leave that alone.
Normally I'd be hiding under a thick layer of blankets and watching this kind of thing with one eye open. This time I was more pissed off at the men who were screaming like little girls at every sudden move. This was not the movie to take a loud snack to!! The girl next to us damn near broke her boyfriend's hands, she was gripping them so hard. I almost "accidentally" tried to slip her half a Xanax because I feared she may have a stroke from all the stress she seemed to be going through.
I don't know if its the anti anxiety meds or if I've just seen worse monsters and demons in people, but aside from getting woken up once with a loud scene, I didn't get the same effect as the rest of the theater seemed to. It was entertaining, for the most part, but I think I would have had more reactions had we gone to see jackass 3D...there's always tomorrow!
ing of paranormal activity 2...its only the 3rd time I ever got my ass out to a midnight screening of anything. And it was the imax experience version too.
I won't say I don't believe in paranormal activity but I've never really been one to scream from fear...I believe in ghosts and demons, I just respectfully leave that alone.
Normally I'd be hiding under a thick layer of blankets and watching this kind of thing with one eye open. This time I was more pissed off at the men who were screaming like little girls at every sudden move. This was not the movie to take a loud snack to!! The girl next to us damn near broke her boyfriend's hands, she was gripping them so hard. I almost "accidentally" tried to slip her half a Xanax because I feared she may have a stroke from all the stress she seemed to be going through.
I don't know if its the anti anxiety meds or if I've just seen worse monsters and demons in people, but aside from getting woken up once with a loud scene, I didn't get the same effect as the rest of the theater seemed to. It was entertaining, for the most part, but I think I would have had more reactions had we gone to see jackass 3D...there's always tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Fitness?
At the risk of sounding like a complete jackass I want to voice an opinion on something most people would probably bite their tongues.
And so it goes: I'd like to know who people think they are fooling and benefiting by wearing those "toning" shoes that look like little boats? Now hang on before you answer that. This is the picture I see while walking out of a supermarket the other day: a lady who is about 80-100lbs overweight carrying a McDonalds bag in one hand and what seems to be a super sized drink in the other...is dressed to the nines in gym wear and those spiffy "toning" shoes. I mean, really...what's the issue here?? I'm ALL for fitness and I'm all for people getting on the right track to better nutrition and starting with baby steps....but seriously, how about giving up the burger and soda habit before stepping into the toners. Please don't get me wrong, people who struggle with weight and have pounds to shed that don't put them in the "obese" category, have my full blown support with healthy choices and doing even the smallest things to make their lives better. There need to be other steps taken when you feel like those shoes are going to help you burn off a 32oz soda! You're not helping yourself. You're not even trying at this point.
I don't know what my point is really, it just made me really angry to see that. I guess I don't really understand the logic behind what I saw. I hope to see her again soon and I hope she proves me wrong.
And so it goes: I'd like to know who people think they are fooling and benefiting by wearing those "toning" shoes that look like little boats? Now hang on before you answer that. This is the picture I see while walking out of a supermarket the other day: a lady who is about 80-100lbs overweight carrying a McDonalds bag in one hand and what seems to be a super sized drink in the other...is dressed to the nines in gym wear and those spiffy "toning" shoes. I mean, really...what's the issue here?? I'm ALL for fitness and I'm all for people getting on the right track to better nutrition and starting with baby steps....but seriously, how about giving up the burger and soda habit before stepping into the toners. Please don't get me wrong, people who struggle with weight and have pounds to shed that don't put them in the "obese" category, have my full blown support with healthy choices and doing even the smallest things to make their lives better. There need to be other steps taken when you feel like those shoes are going to help you burn off a 32oz soda! You're not helping yourself. You're not even trying at this point.
I don't know what my point is really, it just made me really angry to see that. I guess I don't really understand the logic behind what I saw. I hope to see her again soon and I hope she proves me wrong.
Mom's advice
Sometimes doing things your mom always told you not to makes your entire day amazing. Like waking up, working and then napping for 2 hours in the middle of the day (because your cat decides to perform an opera the entire night leaving you with 4 hours of sleep). Or going out to get ingredients for dinner and on the way home deciding since the rain is coming why not go to the local park?? Remember how your mom always warned you about that cold you're gonna catch if you get your feet wet in the rain or run around with wet clothes? Ya I respectfully decided to go against that life long advice today. I haven't done anything this fun in a long time. Thunder and lightning followed by a good old down pour of rain. Barefoot and soaking wet, we ran around on the grass and played in the fast forming puddles, laughing until our stomachs hurt. After a good soak, we came to realize we should probably get away from the tall trees and somehow get back home without getting struck by lighting. Good idea...now how do we do that without ruining the leather in the car? Turns out, it didn't matter. We got in the car, rolled our windows down and looked surprised when people ran from the rain.
Maybe we're crazy but nothing feels better than letting your inner child play sometimes.
Of course none of this would have felt as amazing had I not taken the hottest shower after getting home and eating one of the best soups ever made by a human.
I love rain and I love today's company.
Maybe we're crazy but nothing feels better than letting your inner child play sometimes.
Of course none of this would have felt as amazing had I not taken the hottest shower after getting home and eating one of the best soups ever made by a human.
I love rain and I love today's company.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Simple things
Long productive day. Movie night with the best friend. Ribs. Today was good. Sleeeeeeep.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Truth and honesty
See I told you something major will come tonight. My biggest pet peeve is people who lie. Especially people who claim to be honest or "brutally honest". Those are the worst kind of liars. I realize there is no such thing as an honest person. In the words of House, "everybody lies".
I'm no saint either. Even though I try to refrain from plainly lying to people's faces and making things up, I participate in a different kind of deceit. Beating around the bush, tip toeing and avoiding issues...therefore withholding my true and honest feelings about certain things. In a sense lying to myself. What's worse is when I finally break through and fight the urge to keep things to myself, I get anger in return. Somehow I become the bitch. For speaking the truth. Be it. At least I know where I come from and people know where I stand with them. Plainly, if we have a problem, you will know about it. I won't go behind your back and discuss it with everyone else but you. If needed, we can throw down and settle it less civilly? But it will still be truth. I've had entirely too many trust problems with people. Not from them to me, from me to them. Thus far I know only one person who I feel I can truly trust..and even then it's 99%. as sad as it is, I just can't let the whole wall down because no matter what, people have failed me in the honesty and trust department time and again. It's easy to gain my trust. I actually come installed with trust in the stock model. It's when I feel you have betrayed me, that my problems begin.
I see it this way: it's like buying a CD or a government bond, you put up a face value, a whole...your promise to keep it whole for a number of years, your commitment, is rewarded with interest plus the return of your whole. If you break the commitment and take out your whole before the maturity date, you only get a small percent back.
Just like that. You give me your honesty in return for honesty and trust...fuck up and pull out, your honesty and trust are shattered and bits and pieces remain. Hard to see a person for their whole once they decide to break a promise or commitment.
That's all the preaching you get tonight. I'm gonna sip some tea and watch this episode of "teen mom" for the 500th time...what? It helps me fall asleep.
I'm no saint either. Even though I try to refrain from plainly lying to people's faces and making things up, I participate in a different kind of deceit. Beating around the bush, tip toeing and avoiding issues...therefore withholding my true and honest feelings about certain things. In a sense lying to myself. What's worse is when I finally break through and fight the urge to keep things to myself, I get anger in return. Somehow I become the bitch. For speaking the truth. Be it. At least I know where I come from and people know where I stand with them. Plainly, if we have a problem, you will know about it. I won't go behind your back and discuss it with everyone else but you. If needed, we can throw down and settle it less civilly? But it will still be truth. I've had entirely too many trust problems with people. Not from them to me, from me to them. Thus far I know only one person who I feel I can truly trust..and even then it's 99%. as sad as it is, I just can't let the whole wall down because no matter what, people have failed me in the honesty and trust department time and again. It's easy to gain my trust. I actually come installed with trust in the stock model. It's when I feel you have betrayed me, that my problems begin.
I see it this way: it's like buying a CD or a government bond, you put up a face value, a whole...your promise to keep it whole for a number of years, your commitment, is rewarded with interest plus the return of your whole. If you break the commitment and take out your whole before the maturity date, you only get a small percent back.
Just like that. You give me your honesty in return for honesty and trust...fuck up and pull out, your honesty and trust are shattered and bits and pieces remain. Hard to see a person for their whole once they decide to break a promise or commitment.
That's all the preaching you get tonight. I'm gonna sip some tea and watch this episode of "teen mom" for the 500th time...what? It helps me fall asleep.
The Strep
Why does saying I have strep make me cringe like its some incurable disease? I have.....THE STREP! why? because this crap feels like ass. You're not REALLY sick, and yet you can barely swallow, talk, move, breathe, and pretty much do anything. You'd think this would keep me in bed, resting...right? Not so much. I did as much "resting" as I could possibly tolerate and then busted out the hand sander, plugged that baby in and went to town on the picnic table. Followed by a stain job. Followed by hanging all the lights on the backyard patio. Followed by drilling what seemed like impossible holes through concrete walls so I could hang a candle holder outside. What? I like candles. After cursing everything I could, I was finally successful. And to boot...NOTHING broken or ripped off or cut or sanded off the body. I must admit I am impressed with that statistic.
When all was said and done I realized how much my body was hating me so I finally sat down and enjoyed a cup of tea with honey and lemon. (Which only seemed to piss off the STREP).
All in all, it turned out to be a really productive day when it seemed like a complete waste at first.
Nothing witty or deep to say today. I'm sure something massive is coming tomorrow!
May the strep stay away from you all!
When all was said and done I realized how much my body was hating me so I finally sat down and enjoyed a cup of tea with honey and lemon. (Which only seemed to piss off the STREP).
All in all, it turned out to be a really productive day when it seemed like a complete waste at first.
Nothing witty or deep to say today. I'm sure something massive is coming tomorrow!
May the strep stay away from you all!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Politics? Really?
I've never been too overly into politics. I learn enough to be somewhat educated in the candidates for a particular vote and to also be able to carry on a decent conversation.
With the upcoming elections, California is just being bombarded with "opposing" advertisements. What the hell kind of crap is that, seriously? I mean I know that politics have always been more about crapping on the other guy's head than actually informing people on the things YOU'RE planning on doing to make a difference...but seriously, I haven't seen ONE ad FOR someone. It's not only annoying, it's making me lose all interest in voting at all! Jerry Brown was winning in my books for a while simply because he's been around and Clinton backs him. Now with all the dirt being chucked back and worth it's like a mud wrestling match instead of an election. To hell with them all. Nobody delivers what they promise. California is going further and further into the gutter no matter who is elected.
And besides, Meg Whitman scares the crap out of me. She looks like she actually may have eaten a few babies...just because.
Anyway. Strep sucks. Voice raspy, throat hurty. I'm actually thinking it may just be the recent stress, but staying away from the little ones just in case :(
Oh ya and today's trip to Lowes yielded an almost finished back yard, stocked up with tube lights, lanterns, sliding screen door (finally) and a kick ass picnic table. Though spending an hour at Lowes made Linda just slightly cranky. Over and out.
With the upcoming elections, California is just being bombarded with "opposing" advertisements. What the hell kind of crap is that, seriously? I mean I know that politics have always been more about crapping on the other guy's head than actually informing people on the things YOU'RE planning on doing to make a difference...but seriously, I haven't seen ONE ad FOR someone. It's not only annoying, it's making me lose all interest in voting at all! Jerry Brown was winning in my books for a while simply because he's been around and Clinton backs him. Now with all the dirt being chucked back and worth it's like a mud wrestling match instead of an election. To hell with them all. Nobody delivers what they promise. California is going further and further into the gutter no matter who is elected.
And besides, Meg Whitman scares the crap out of me. She looks like she actually may have eaten a few babies...just because.
Anyway. Strep sucks. Voice raspy, throat hurty. I'm actually thinking it may just be the recent stress, but staying away from the little ones just in case :(
Oh ya and today's trip to Lowes yielded an almost finished back yard, stocked up with tube lights, lanterns, sliding screen door (finally) and a kick ass picnic table. Though spending an hour at Lowes made Linda just slightly cranky. Over and out.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Quiet
I'm a little bit overwhelmed today with the things going on so I've been pretty reserved and keeping to myself all day. Spent majority of the day cleaning around the house with bursts of energy followed by complete lack of energy. Finally got the filing cabinet sorted out with a mess of documents that my dad likes to call "filed" documents...it was more of a conglomeration of very important things mixed in with 1992 tax returns and receipts from my first trip to rite aid for their famous 49c ice cream cones. I knew this would not only take time but also my mind off tomorrow.
Funeral day.
There is absolutely nothing to say about the inevitable sadness and difficulty of tomorrow. I just want to make it through the day without a panic attack...everything else I will take on my shoulders and deal as best I can.
I gotta turn in and sleep well. Praying for the sandman to come and let me rest.
Funeral day.
There is absolutely nothing to say about the inevitable sadness and difficulty of tomorrow. I just want to make it through the day without a panic attack...everything else I will take on my shoulders and deal as best I can.
I gotta turn in and sleep well. Praying for the sandman to come and let me rest.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Past and present
My friend and I got on the topic of high school and our experiences and how it's shaped us into who we are today. I'd like to first say that, this is a topic I could go on for days and months. For the purpose of saving time I'll touch on a few examples.
I had the "pleasure" of having two completely different experiences with high school. One involved complete ridicule and bashing for being poor in a wealthy high school, the other while still not being prom queen or miss popularity, I was accepted and at least left to be ME and still made and kept friends from every clique in the school.
I won't bore you with details and runs down painful memory lane with all the emotional damage left behind by the surreal amount of cruelty I went through in my 3 years of attending a school district that clearly didn't instill acceptance at an early age...if ever. In having this talk with my friend I made a few amazing realizations about myself in how I am now and why I do certain things. One great example: from the time I had my first job I've been obsessed with shoes...not like every girl is obsessed with high heels and the latest greatest shoe...I mean sneakers. New shoes. My shoes stay looking new because i rotate them like jewelry and they never get a chance to get dirty. I never understood why I loved new shoes so much until tonight. We shared stories about all the petty bullshit kids do to one another and I stumbled upon my story about how it got so nicely pointed out to me one day in PE class first week of school in 9th grade that I was wearing the same shoes in gym class that I had worn the previous year in gym class. This may not make a damn different to me in life right NOW, but back then I was humiliated that everyone now knew my family didn't have money to buy new shoes every year for gym class or any other class for that matter. I wanted to dig a hole and crawl so deep into it that I'd never come out. So naturally, as soon as I had my own income, I went for new shoes and never looked back. It amazes me that something so dumb as shoes got buried so deep in my subconscious and emerged as an obsession later in life.
As if going through body changes and emotional changes and all the other pressures of being a teenaged mess isn't enough, there is this stage in life where you are either the bully that attacks the weak (to save your own ass from being bullied, I may add) or you are that poor kid that is just targeted for ridicule and that target never comes off no matter what you do or how hard you try to fit in. You're too tall. You're too short. You're poor. You're white. You're NOT white. You're white but have a funny last name. Your hair is wrong. Your clothes are wrong. Your patents drive the wrong car. Your parents kiss you goodbye every morning. You don't talk to your parents. You're gay. You're straight. You're bi? What are you?? When is it enough?! Who are these kids that decide who gets to suffer through the hardest part of your life?? It didn't matter what I said or did... I was short, flat, poor, had braces, hated skirts and blow dried hair, played sports, was good at math and science, watched nerdy shows, and snorted when I laughed. I also cried every night, wished some boy..ANY boy would notice me, started not caring about grades, drinking and doing stupid shit just to fit in....and none of it mattered. What I did is make it through. And that's not something every kid can say these days. I don't know the percentages, but a good part of kids turns down the choice of life because it's unbearable. Take it from someone who's sat there contemplating life because it was too much, it's a choice we make every single morning to continue showing up to class every single day, knowing that the same kids will make the same comments and make your experience a living hell.
If you're a teenager and you are bullied, know that in the end, you are the one that makes it out stronger. If you're a teenager and you ARE the bully, make a difference in your OWN life by making a difference in dozens of lives by accepting peers for people...whatever their deal is. If you're a parent, talk to your kids...if you know it or not, they DO want to talk and they WILL listen.
At the end of the day, we all go through life with the same goal...to find happiness. Past and present.
I had the "pleasure" of having two completely different experiences with high school. One involved complete ridicule and bashing for being poor in a wealthy high school, the other while still not being prom queen or miss popularity, I was accepted and at least left to be ME and still made and kept friends from every clique in the school.
I won't bore you with details and runs down painful memory lane with all the emotional damage left behind by the surreal amount of cruelty I went through in my 3 years of attending a school district that clearly didn't instill acceptance at an early age...if ever. In having this talk with my friend I made a few amazing realizations about myself in how I am now and why I do certain things. One great example: from the time I had my first job I've been obsessed with shoes...not like every girl is obsessed with high heels and the latest greatest shoe...I mean sneakers. New shoes. My shoes stay looking new because i rotate them like jewelry and they never get a chance to get dirty. I never understood why I loved new shoes so much until tonight. We shared stories about all the petty bullshit kids do to one another and I stumbled upon my story about how it got so nicely pointed out to me one day in PE class first week of school in 9th grade that I was wearing the same shoes in gym class that I had worn the previous year in gym class. This may not make a damn different to me in life right NOW, but back then I was humiliated that everyone now knew my family didn't have money to buy new shoes every year for gym class or any other class for that matter. I wanted to dig a hole and crawl so deep into it that I'd never come out. So naturally, as soon as I had my own income, I went for new shoes and never looked back. It amazes me that something so dumb as shoes got buried so deep in my subconscious and emerged as an obsession later in life.
As if going through body changes and emotional changes and all the other pressures of being a teenaged mess isn't enough, there is this stage in life where you are either the bully that attacks the weak (to save your own ass from being bullied, I may add) or you are that poor kid that is just targeted for ridicule and that target never comes off no matter what you do or how hard you try to fit in. You're too tall. You're too short. You're poor. You're white. You're NOT white. You're white but have a funny last name. Your hair is wrong. Your clothes are wrong. Your patents drive the wrong car. Your parents kiss you goodbye every morning. You don't talk to your parents. You're gay. You're straight. You're bi? What are you?? When is it enough?! Who are these kids that decide who gets to suffer through the hardest part of your life?? It didn't matter what I said or did... I was short, flat, poor, had braces, hated skirts and blow dried hair, played sports, was good at math and science, watched nerdy shows, and snorted when I laughed. I also cried every night, wished some boy..ANY boy would notice me, started not caring about grades, drinking and doing stupid shit just to fit in....and none of it mattered. What I did is make it through. And that's not something every kid can say these days. I don't know the percentages, but a good part of kids turns down the choice of life because it's unbearable. Take it from someone who's sat there contemplating life because it was too much, it's a choice we make every single morning to continue showing up to class every single day, knowing that the same kids will make the same comments and make your experience a living hell.
If you're a teenager and you are bullied, know that in the end, you are the one that makes it out stronger. If you're a teenager and you ARE the bully, make a difference in your OWN life by making a difference in dozens of lives by accepting peers for people...whatever their deal is. If you're a parent, talk to your kids...if you know it or not, they DO want to talk and they WILL listen.
At the end of the day, we all go through life with the same goal...to find happiness. Past and present.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Vanquishing Demons
What's that saying about raising more demons than on can vanquish?
I don't know one person that can truly say they have raised just enough demons. We are all surrounded my internal demons that attack us daily. If you think you've got none, you're either completely delusional or on some really good medication. A lot of us are afraid to even face our demons let alone fight them. As hard as it is, realizing what they are is the hardest step....not letting them rule you is damn near impossible. But when you force yourself to face your fears and conquer them step by baby step...there is no better feeling in the world.
This stupid anxiety will never win the war...it has it's winning battles, but I will never go down without a fight.
Rough day today but I stood up to it and did what I could...which was more than I expected of myself on a day like this.
I don't know one person that can truly say they have raised just enough demons. We are all surrounded my internal demons that attack us daily. If you think you've got none, you're either completely delusional or on some really good medication. A lot of us are afraid to even face our demons let alone fight them. As hard as it is, realizing what they are is the hardest step....not letting them rule you is damn near impossible. But when you force yourself to face your fears and conquer them step by baby step...there is no better feeling in the world.
This stupid anxiety will never win the war...it has it's winning battles, but I will never go down without a fight.
Rough day today but I stood up to it and did what I could...which was more than I expected of myself on a day like this.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Skin deep
I'm so saddened by the fact that the human race is so shallow as a general whole. Everything is so on the surface for the most part. I guess I should preface by saying that I understand that not every single person is shallow, I do get that. But as a majority rule, people only give a crap about someone else on the surface. Guys pay more attention to a pretty girl, girls pay more attention to a good looking guy or a guy with money. It's the way the sexes are built. I'm thankful I was born with a somewhat appealing body and face, but sadly my parents overdid the milkshake when it came to my brain as well. I understand entirely too much and analyze the life out of everything...and end up feeling completely hopeless for my species. I unknowingly perform experiments on a daily basis to see how guys change their behaviors based on the degree of attractiveness that day. It astonishes me...still. What happened to guys that just like YOU for YOU? Put an attractive picture as your icon on facebook and men turn into dry-humping little chihuahuas. Every sentence out of my mouth turns into a sexual innuendo. Really? Some girls aren't impressed with that anymore...or maybe that's just me? And I can't say that I'm a prude by any means. Maybe that's also partially or wholly the problem. I've always been friendly and pretty flirty. But seriously how dense do you have to be not to distinguish genuine interest from social flirtiness? Maybe it's just LA men. Who knows. All I'm saying is when you first meet a girl show some real interest instead of everything revolving around sex. You're more likely to get laid if you actually show some depth than if you try to get in her pants right off the bat.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Roots
In the midst of all of life's chaos I've forgotten how nice it is to just be at the beach with my feet in the water.
Today after an unexpected change of plans we had the entire day to do whatever we wanted. I quickly suggested the beach and I'm so happy I did.
Aside from maybe dipping my feet into a small river somewhere in complete solitude, nothing compares to the feeling of the crisp ocean water mixed in with sand between my toes. I stood there and looked out into the endless monster not thinking a single thought...for once.
It was a good break for my head and my body. I got a chance to stretch and do a few yoga poses to try and relieve my lower back pain...somewhat successfully. I'm royally pooped and ready for sleep.
Today after an unexpected change of plans we had the entire day to do whatever we wanted. I quickly suggested the beach and I'm so happy I did.
Aside from maybe dipping my feet into a small river somewhere in complete solitude, nothing compares to the feeling of the crisp ocean water mixed in with sand between my toes. I stood there and looked out into the endless monster not thinking a single thought...for once.
It was a good break for my head and my body. I got a chance to stretch and do a few yoga poses to try and relieve my lower back pain...somewhat successfully. I'm royally pooped and ready for sleep.
...and still it hurts to breathe
I've come to realize today that no matter how much we prepare and how many times we lose people in our lives, it's never something you can get used to. The sinking feeling of finding out someone in your family or close friends has passed away will always be a new feeling...every single time. In the past few years I have experienced loss so many time I thought maybe this time it would be less difficult. And yet again, I feel completely side swiped.
What makes it more difficult? Is it the unexpected element of loss? The age? The circumstance? It's everything. Nothing you do will ever prepare you for losing someone.
In the last month my family has lost two grandmothers. It was difficult to keep down the loss of my dad's mom a month ago...as she was the grandma I have always gone to in the summers of my youth. She was the one that let me sneak candy, stay up late, hang out in the kitchen while she cooked, taught me how to take care of my grandpa...
I hadn't seen her in nearly 15 years and news of her passing sent me into a silent depression. I said nothing to no one about it.
Last night we lost my uncle's mom in a tragic accident. Tragic...why do people even bother calling accidents tragic...aren't all accidents tragic?! The rug was definitely swept from under everyone's feet on this one.
I'm left speechless with nothing to say to my uncle and aunt or my cousins...I'm simply shocked into silence again. I feel completely useless with sadness. I spent the entire day in a cloud trying to make sense.
I feel like the losses my family has endured the past few years has made me unrealistically numb to everything. I'm sitting waiting for explanations as to why...why we had to let got of my 24 year old cousin...why his mom had to leave us 3 months later...why I lost my biggest influence and mentor 2 more months later...why my friends lost such an amazing soul that lit up every single life he came in contact... now this...two great women who gave their lives to raising huge amazing families. One has seen her own child go before her along with her husband...
I guess this is just the cycle of life. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, death is part of life. A ridiculously difficult to accept part if life.
I miss you all...
Rest in peace baba Musia
What makes it more difficult? Is it the unexpected element of loss? The age? The circumstance? It's everything. Nothing you do will ever prepare you for losing someone.
In the last month my family has lost two grandmothers. It was difficult to keep down the loss of my dad's mom a month ago...as she was the grandma I have always gone to in the summers of my youth. She was the one that let me sneak candy, stay up late, hang out in the kitchen while she cooked, taught me how to take care of my grandpa...
I hadn't seen her in nearly 15 years and news of her passing sent me into a silent depression. I said nothing to no one about it.
Last night we lost my uncle's mom in a tragic accident. Tragic...why do people even bother calling accidents tragic...aren't all accidents tragic?! The rug was definitely swept from under everyone's feet on this one.
I'm left speechless with nothing to say to my uncle and aunt or my cousins...I'm simply shocked into silence again. I feel completely useless with sadness. I spent the entire day in a cloud trying to make sense.
I feel like the losses my family has endured the past few years has made me unrealistically numb to everything. I'm sitting waiting for explanations as to why...why we had to let got of my 24 year old cousin...why his mom had to leave us 3 months later...why I lost my biggest influence and mentor 2 more months later...why my friends lost such an amazing soul that lit up every single life he came in contact... now this...two great women who gave their lives to raising huge amazing families. One has seen her own child go before her along with her husband...
I guess this is just the cycle of life. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, death is part of life. A ridiculously difficult to accept part if life.
I miss you all...
Rest in peace baba Musia
Thursday, October 7, 2010
World Market
Oh how I love you...let me count the ways.
The fact that you have various crap I don't need in the shape of monkeys.
All the lanterns and ornaments I want to put all around my back yard.
The rugs that I spend 40 minutes touching and sniffing only to come to the conclusion I don't really need a rug. Your $15 curtain selection. The candle isle that leaves me intoxicated with various exotic scents.
All your Christmas ornaments that don't resemble anything but is just so much cooler than your regular grandma ornament. Your wicker isle!! All those dishes and glasses...the entire isle I'm not allowed to walk down with a cart for fear of knocking everything down.
And let's not forget your food isles with all those bottles and cans and bags of things I'd never seen or knew existed but couldn't live without.
If that wasn't enough, the lovely lady at the checkout counter (who by this time helped us find every single thing we were looking for and then some) hands us gift cards and coupons cutting our end total in nearly HALF!!
With bags and bags of decor, it's the simple things in life that just make me stupid happy.
Although physically I felt like I was on another planet today, mentally and emotionally today was filled with laughter and happy times.
With the help of a dear friend sending me a surprise gag gift in the mail and a best friend who laughs at the stupidest things with me, I think I managed to put back a few years to my life.
The fact that you have various crap I don't need in the shape of monkeys.
All the lanterns and ornaments I want to put all around my back yard.
The rugs that I spend 40 minutes touching and sniffing only to come to the conclusion I don't really need a rug. Your $15 curtain selection. The candle isle that leaves me intoxicated with various exotic scents.
All your Christmas ornaments that don't resemble anything but is just so much cooler than your regular grandma ornament. Your wicker isle!! All those dishes and glasses...the entire isle I'm not allowed to walk down with a cart for fear of knocking everything down.
And let's not forget your food isles with all those bottles and cans and bags of things I'd never seen or knew existed but couldn't live without.
If that wasn't enough, the lovely lady at the checkout counter (who by this time helped us find every single thing we were looking for and then some) hands us gift cards and coupons cutting our end total in nearly HALF!!
With bags and bags of decor, it's the simple things in life that just make me stupid happy.
Although physically I felt like I was on another planet today, mentally and emotionally today was filled with laughter and happy times.
With the help of a dear friend sending me a surprise gag gift in the mail and a best friend who laughs at the stupidest things with me, I think I managed to put back a few years to my life.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Bottom of the barrel
I'm sure everyone has days where you just feel like complete crap physically which leads to total emotional breakdowns of some sort. Girls, for the most part, will implode with tears and self pity. At least that's what happens to me every once in a (more often recently) while. I hate self pity and I hate feeling like shit just doesn't feel happy at times.
The fact of the matter is with not feeling well for the past 9 months, anxiety has turned to deep bouts of depression on some days where I fall into a dirt hole and while some days I crawl my way out without getting too dirty, other times I smear the mud all over myself and drive myself further into the hole.
Truth is, I am not a creature of single status. I need affection and human touch more than I need air sometimes. It's not hard to understand that when you're feeling shitty physically, most days all you really want is human touch that isn't your immediate family. Someone to lay in bed with you and hold your head to their chest while you breathe through one nostril and drool on them because you can't breathe from congestion. Other times you just want to laugh with someone that gets the same stupid jokes you do. Loneliness and feeling shitty physically, definitely don't mix well. It's a cocktail destined for emotional breakdown.
And so you sit and analyze yourself and your life under a microscope wondering where you made a wrong turn to end up in this situation. The pity and self loathing begins. WTF is wrong with ME that I sit here and cry for no fucking reason feeling sorry for myself. I can't burden friends with all this bullshit because for one, no ONE person can handle it nor deserves to be the one on the receiving end. And for two, it pushes even the closest friends away when you're the asshole that always needs someone to make you feel like you matter in life. So how do you break the cycle? How do you feel loved and worthy without smothering your friends with need for attention?
How do I even begin wanting a relationship when i can't seem to get out of my hole and feel well enough for someone to want to start anything with me.
This is about as real as it gets. I'm in a catch 22, stuck between wanting and needing affection to feel well enough to start a relationship to get that affection.
Something has to give.....
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Through thick and "ugh I can't stand you"
"You're with someone for like 2 weeks in and you're like, "Fuck, no way. I can't stand this person. I'll stay around for 5-6 years and we can end this thing violently, I got time." - Dane Cook
My parents made me think of this today. Granted they are from a different country and cultures are obviously different when it comes to dating, but there's something to say about people who stay married for 35+ years and bicker and argue daily.
There's nothing they can do at this point. Divorce is just silly in their case and not arguing would be like a heavy smoker suddenly quitting cold turkey.
I wonder about the new couples that stay in relationships when they clearly both know it's not working nor will it EVER work. There's no shame in calling it quits before you start hating each other. And really, it works in all sorts of relationships. Casual, professional, romantic. Why drag something through dirt just to have it end in chaos?
I'm only throwing my two cents because I've been there way too many times. I'm a romantic at heart and feel like EVERY relationship is savable...or at least it should be. I will do everything in my power to save something just so I know I didn't give up on something that could have been. When in reality very few relationships are actually worth digging your heels in and fighting for.
What I'm trying to say is maybe next time instead of having a crazy ex if you let go in time you may end up with a great friend for life.
My parents made me think of this today. Granted they are from a different country and cultures are obviously different when it comes to dating, but there's something to say about people who stay married for 35+ years and bicker and argue daily.
There's nothing they can do at this point. Divorce is just silly in their case and not arguing would be like a heavy smoker suddenly quitting cold turkey.
I wonder about the new couples that stay in relationships when they clearly both know it's not working nor will it EVER work. There's no shame in calling it quits before you start hating each other. And really, it works in all sorts of relationships. Casual, professional, romantic. Why drag something through dirt just to have it end in chaos?
I'm only throwing my two cents because I've been there way too many times. I'm a romantic at heart and feel like EVERY relationship is savable...or at least it should be. I will do everything in my power to save something just so I know I didn't give up on something that could have been. When in reality very few relationships are actually worth digging your heels in and fighting for.
What I'm trying to say is maybe next time instead of having a crazy ex if you let go in time you may end up with a great friend for life.
Best face forward
Millionized eye lashes??
Am I missing something in the makeup world or has everyone gotten alopecia over the last few months? Every commercial for mascara promises more lashes bigger lashes thicker lashes...am I the only one happy with the length, amount and girth of my lashes?! It's getting out of control! I realize I may have longer than normal lashes but seriously, I tried using one of those super duper mascaras and I damn near took off when I blinked.
When are we going to start accepting what we have and stop trying to enhance every single thing on and in our bodies? Sure I'd like to be better faster stronger, but I'm certainly not willing to augment my body to get there. Nor am I into falsely advertising something I don't have. You won't find a wonder bra in my drawer just because I don't have the perfect size breasts. You won't find 5lbs of makeup on my face just because I didn't get enough sleep or my eyes have dark circles because my body is struggling to intake b12...my point is, everyone wants to look pretty and everyone wants attention and to be desired, I get that. But aren't we focusing on entirely the wrong things when we push physical appeal to such an extreme level? You really think guys notice if your lashes are millionized or your va-jay-jay is bedazzled? They tolerate the crap we do to ourselves enough to sleep with us. Period. Everything else is completely unnecessary. It's really too bad we can't just smudge on some fresh personality every morning to start the day off right.
Am I missing something in the makeup world or has everyone gotten alopecia over the last few months? Every commercial for mascara promises more lashes bigger lashes thicker lashes...am I the only one happy with the length, amount and girth of my lashes?! It's getting out of control! I realize I may have longer than normal lashes but seriously, I tried using one of those super duper mascaras and I damn near took off when I blinked.
When are we going to start accepting what we have and stop trying to enhance every single thing on and in our bodies? Sure I'd like to be better faster stronger, but I'm certainly not willing to augment my body to get there. Nor am I into falsely advertising something I don't have. You won't find a wonder bra in my drawer just because I don't have the perfect size breasts. You won't find 5lbs of makeup on my face just because I didn't get enough sleep or my eyes have dark circles because my body is struggling to intake b12...my point is, everyone wants to look pretty and everyone wants attention and to be desired, I get that. But aren't we focusing on entirely the wrong things when we push physical appeal to such an extreme level? You really think guys notice if your lashes are millionized or your va-jay-jay is bedazzled? They tolerate the crap we do to ourselves enough to sleep with us. Period. Everything else is completely unnecessary. It's really too bad we can't just smudge on some fresh personality every morning to start the day off right.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Pure Genius
So today I think I hit rock bottom on the genius scale. If you've ever hung out with me long enough where I answer a completely random question and everyone stops and wonders how the hell I know something so random, you'd know that I'm full of useless trivia. I know things about the most uncommon topics and usually shock even myself when I know an answer. I have no idea where I learn things and why certain facts just stick in my brain. I'm like a sponge. Every time I watch the history channel, discovery channel, health channel, national geographics...I somehow retain 90% of whatever it is I watched.
So today, in the midst of my pure genius...it hit me why a screw driver is called a screw...DRIVER. I know. It hurt my brain too. Not because it's hard to figure out (obviously) but because I'd actually never thought about it before. I was sitting on te floor putting something together and like fucking lighting, it hit me. Then I just got sad. That in 28 years of life and 20 years of putting crap together, i just never thought about it.
"What's it matter" you say? I'm a person who loves words and meanings and origins and just knowing things...how something like this word never crossed my mind just made me laugh.
Anyway. I felt pretty slow today and that made me feel full blown chromosome challenged. I'm guessing the lack of sleep the past few days, coupled with what feels like the beginning of a head cold, is making me use a few less brain cells so I can preserve the few good ones left for more important tasks...like breathing and keeping the ole ticker going.
Thats my story and I'm stickin to it.
So today, in the midst of my pure genius...it hit me why a screw driver is called a screw...DRIVER. I know. It hurt my brain too. Not because it's hard to figure out (obviously) but because I'd actually never thought about it before. I was sitting on te floor putting something together and like fucking lighting, it hit me. Then I just got sad. That in 28 years of life and 20 years of putting crap together, i just never thought about it.
"What's it matter" you say? I'm a person who loves words and meanings and origins and just knowing things...how something like this word never crossed my mind just made me laugh.
Anyway. I felt pretty slow today and that made me feel full blown chromosome challenged. I'm guessing the lack of sleep the past few days, coupled with what feels like the beginning of a head cold, is making me use a few less brain cells so I can preserve the few good ones left for more important tasks...like breathing and keeping the ole ticker going.
Thats my story and I'm stickin to it.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Heavy
Everything that can be, is heavy. My mind, my heart, my limbs. I've never once looked after my own feelings, health, mind, heart...soul. I never knew why until now. It's easier to give a shit about others. Its simpler....at least in my head. You give a crap no matter what...how hard is that to do?? Not very hard at all. It's second nature to me. In fact I think it's first nature to me. I go on blindly in life catering to everyone's needs. Family, friends, hell sometimes strangers. I will give my last smelly shirt to a person that is freezing before considering that "hey, I will be standing right next to them in the same freezing cold..maybe I should rethink this"...no, my instinct (which I clearly never deny) is to strip down and make sure they are safe. Often times I forget to keep thinking...you know, that part about me being ok? Because its...EASY. If everyone else is good, I'll be good. I don't care if I'm actually screaming inside for my own help. I'll BE good. Right? FUCKING wrong!
I've been an idiot for 28 long years. Taking the easy way out of life. Why is it easier for everyone else to put themselves first? Why does it feel like I'm fighting biology and mother earth when I'm for once in my life thinking of ME first?? I'm not talking about blunt selfishness. I mean thinking shit through before I lay down like a fucking doormat in front of everyone. There's a civil war inside me. Some self preserving part of me finally woke the hell up and is trying to suffocate the asshole that's been ruining my life for 28 years.
I'll tell you one thing. I'm staying out of this one. Let that small self preserver do its job. Maybe eventually my first nature will be to self nurture. I'm expecting nothing less than a giant battle field full of bodies sprawled about everywhere. Morbid? Maybe. But what internal battle with nature isn't?
Slowly growing a spine and maybe grabbing a pair of balls on the way.
I've been an idiot for 28 long years. Taking the easy way out of life. Why is it easier for everyone else to put themselves first? Why does it feel like I'm fighting biology and mother earth when I'm for once in my life thinking of ME first?? I'm not talking about blunt selfishness. I mean thinking shit through before I lay down like a fucking doormat in front of everyone. There's a civil war inside me. Some self preserving part of me finally woke the hell up and is trying to suffocate the asshole that's been ruining my life for 28 years.
I'll tell you one thing. I'm staying out of this one. Let that small self preserver do its job. Maybe eventually my first nature will be to self nurture. I'm expecting nothing less than a giant battle field full of bodies sprawled about everywhere. Morbid? Maybe. But what internal battle with nature isn't?
Slowly growing a spine and maybe grabbing a pair of balls on the way.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Note To Self: Sleep
Sometimes I find that sleeping helps normal function throughout the day. Other times, its completely optional. Last night insomnia was in full force. I didn't even feel tired til about 4am, then it was time to convince myself I actually SHOULD try sleeping before the sun comes up. That took all of 2 hours...at which point the sun actually DID come up.
I would have given myself a day pass for not being able to function based on the previously stated fact. But no, I woke up 2 and a half hours later ready to roll. It's a strange feeling...sleep deprivation. All day I felt like it was 3pm until 3pm actually hit and then I felt like it was midnight.
I finally finished doing things around 6, laid down on my bed for a "minute" and woke up 2 hours later.
With a freshly rested head, I manage to do a whole bunch more crap and now I'm completely confused on what day it is and what time of day.
I should probably try laying down for another "minute", see where that takes me.
I would have given myself a day pass for not being able to function based on the previously stated fact. But no, I woke up 2 and a half hours later ready to roll. It's a strange feeling...sleep deprivation. All day I felt like it was 3pm until 3pm actually hit and then I felt like it was midnight.
I finally finished doing things around 6, laid down on my bed for a "minute" and woke up 2 hours later.
With a freshly rested head, I manage to do a whole bunch more crap and now I'm completely confused on what day it is and what time of day.
I should probably try laying down for another "minute", see where that takes me.
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