...and still it hurts to breathe

I've come to realize today that no matter how much we prepare and how many times we lose people in our lives, it's never something you can get used to. The sinking feeling of finding out someone in your family or close friends has passed away will always be a new feeling...every single time. In the past few years I have experienced loss so many time I thought maybe this time it would be less difficult. And yet again, I feel completely side swiped. 
What makes it more difficult? Is it the unexpected element of loss? The age? The circumstance? It's everything. Nothing you do will ever prepare you for losing someone. 
In the last month my family has lost two grandmothers. It was difficult to keep down the loss of my dad's mom a month ago...as she was the grandma I have always gone to in the summers of my youth. She was the one that let me sneak candy, stay up late, hang out in the kitchen while she cooked, taught me how to take care of my grandpa...
I hadn't seen her in nearly 15 years and news of her passing sent me into a silent depression. I said nothing to no one about it. 
Last night we lost my uncle's mom in a tragic accident. Tragic...why do people even bother calling accidents tragic...aren't all accidents tragic?! The rug was definitely swept from under everyone's feet on this one. 
I'm left speechless with nothing to say to my uncle and aunt or my cousins...I'm simply shocked into silence again. I feel completely useless with sadness. I spent the entire day in a cloud trying to make sense. 

I feel like the losses my family has endured the past few years has made me unrealistically numb to everything. I'm sitting waiting for explanations as to why...why we had to let got of my 24 year old cousin...why his mom had to leave us 3 months later...why I lost my biggest influence and mentor 2 more months later...why my friends lost such an amazing soul that lit up every single life he came in contact... now this...two great women who gave their lives to raising huge amazing families. One has seen her own child go before her along with her husband...

I guess this is just the cycle of life. No matter how hard you try to ignore it, death is part of life. A ridiculously difficult to accept part if life. 

I miss you all...


Rest in peace baba Musia