Bottom of the barrel

I'm sure everyone has days where you just feel like complete crap physically which leads to total emotional breakdowns of some sort. Girls, for the most part, will implode with tears and self pity. At least that's what happens to me every once in a (more often recently) while. I hate self pity and I hate feeling like shit just doesn't feel happy at times. 

The fact of the matter is with not feeling well for the past 9 months, anxiety has turned to deep bouts of depression on some days where I fall into a dirt hole and while some days I crawl my way out without getting too dirty, other times I smear the mud all over myself and drive myself further into the hole. 

Truth is, I am not a creature of single status. I need affection and human touch more than I need air sometimes. It's not hard to understand that when you're feeling shitty physically, most days all you really want is human touch that isn't your immediate family. Someone to lay in bed with you and hold your head to their chest while you breathe through one nostril and drool on them because you can't breathe from congestion. Other times you just want to laugh with someone that gets the same stupid jokes you do. Loneliness and feeling shitty physically, definitely don't mix well. It's a cocktail destined for emotional breakdown. 

And so you sit and analyze yourself and your life under a microscope wondering where you made a wrong turn to end up in this situation. The pity and self loathing begins. WTF is wrong with ME that I sit here and cry for no fucking reason feeling sorry for myself. I can't burden friends with all this bullshit because for one, no ONE person can handle it nor deserves to be the one on the receiving end. And for two, it pushes even the closest friends away when you're the asshole that always needs someone to make you feel like you matter in life. So how do you break the cycle? How do you feel loved and worthy without smothering your friends with need for attention? 

How do I even begin wanting a relationship when i can't seem to get out of my hole and feel well enough for someone to want to start anything with me. 

This is about as real as it gets. I'm in a catch 22, stuck between wanting and needing affection to feel well enough to start a relationship to get that affection. 

Something has to give.....