Heavy

Everything that can be, is heavy. My mind, my heart, my limbs. I've never once looked after my own feelings, health, mind, heart...soul. I never knew why until now. It's easier to give a shit about others. Its simpler....at least in my head. You give a crap no matter what...how hard is that to do?? Not very hard at all. It's second nature to me. In fact I think it's first nature to me. I go on blindly in life catering to everyone's needs. Family, friends, hell sometimes strangers. I will give my last smelly shirt to a person that is freezing before considering that "hey, I will be standing right next to them in the same freezing cold..maybe I should rethink this"...no, my instinct (which I clearly never deny) is to strip down and make sure they are safe. Often times I forget to keep thinking...you know, that part about me being ok? Because its...EASY. If everyone else is good, I'll be good. I don't care if I'm actually screaming inside for my own help. I'll BE good. Right? FUCKING wrong!

I've been an idiot for 28 long years. Taking the easy way out of life. Why is it easier for everyone else to put themselves first? Why does it feel like I'm fighting biology and mother earth when I'm for once in my life thinking of ME first?? I'm not talking about blunt selfishness. I mean thinking shit through before I lay down like a fucking doormat in front of everyone. There's a civil war inside me. Some self preserving part of me finally woke the hell up and is trying to suffocate the asshole that's been ruining my life for 28 years.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm staying out of this one. Let that small self preserver do its job. Maybe eventually my first nature will be to self nurture. I'm expecting nothing less than a giant battle field full of bodies sprawled about everywhere. Morbid? Maybe. But what internal battle with nature isn't?

Slowly growing a spine and maybe grabbing a pair of balls on the way.