I can transform ya.

It's amazing to me how life can take a change (in whatever direction) when you simply wake up with a different attitude. When you CHOOSE to perceive things in a different way. All the things that used to piss you off, try to find something, anything to see them differently. Or just approach them with a positive attitude, and watch how they seize to annoy you.

After feeling like somebody pooped in my cereal bowl in the last few days, last night I had a 5 hour conversation with myself. Yeah, I know, in most cases one would be hauled away to the loony bin. Thankfully, this talk occurred in my head (quietly) and into the wee hours of the early morning. Commencing with me slapping myself (figuratively) back into reality of life. With the help of a few friends and their amazing attitudes (and some just plain out yelling at me), I choose to change my attitude toward a lot of things in my life that seem to hold me back from ME. What's best is none of those things are really true life realities. They are all things that sprouted and grew inside my own head and evolved into vicious insecurities.

Time to kick those fuckers out of my head and start accepting myself for who I really am and how I really am. Its one of the most frightening and, at the same time, liberating feelings in the world.

Rome wasn't built in one day (probably more like 2 weeks, but what do I know) and neither will my self confidence. One step at a time I, too, shall rebuild myself.

Should be quite a ride. I'd bring a helmet...and attach tassels to the handlebars (you know, for more flare).

Silence is good too.

Tons to say.

Zero to write.

Guess some days are better left untouched.

Tune in next time.

Nights In

I don't know if it's because I'm feeling better lately, or because I'm feeling better about myself, but quiet nights in on the weekends are starting to piss me off more than they used to make me happy.

Me thinks this will be one of the last ones for a while.

The thought of me playing with the idea of going out to an actual CLUB concerns me. This can only mean that I need to get out and do more things....preferably NOT involving douchebaggery. I've got some ideas to keep my idle mind occupied. Which used to take a lot. And nothing is worse than MY mind being idle.

Here's to fun times ahead.

The Hotel Cafe

The Hotel Cafe is one of my favorite places in the LA area. Not only because it's super dark in there and I don't have to see the ditsy drunk girls running around with deer-in-headlights eyes, but also because it is by far one of the best acoustic set ups for sound. Aside from maybe adjusting the lights that seem to blind every musician that graces the stage, this place is absolutely perfect for any act.
I did the unthinkable and actually bought tickets to a show in advance...online....and paid the "convenience" fee. I know. I'm shocked too. But I had to. My favorite Ausie boys (I don't actually know any other Ausie boys, but don't tell them that) were doing an acoustic set!

Easy parking, easy venue, and promises of good music? sold.

And of course these boys didn't disappoint. Not only that but they managed to impress me even more than I've already been with them. Aside from doing songs from their current album, they threw some curve balls by covering some songs as well. I'm not one to blow smoke up anyone's hooha but you haven't heard "Closer" by NIN until you've heard it by Juke Kartel....in a blues/jazzy rendition. Holy fucking Christ on a fucking cross. If you were there and weren't singing, nodding your head, or at least tapping your foot to this one, you had to be deaf. And even then you'd tap your fingers just to fit in. First off, Dale (the band's guitarist) has one of the most amazing voices I've heard in a while (don't worry Tobs, yours is just as purdy). Secondly, the vibe of the entire band was ridiculous, throughout the whole set but especially this song. And after singing a house full happy birthday to Tommy's bestest half, Tegan, they finished the show with "Save Me"...which the crowd helped to sing at full lung capacity.

Great show, great people, great venue. Happy Linda.

Chasing Tails

Spending the day putting around the house, cleaning the garage (again) and chasing an 18mo old followed by visiting an uncle in the hospital makes one a tired mess.

I ate once and by the end of the night, I couldn't see straight or put a coherent sentence together.

Sadly, nothing clever or deep left to say tonight.

There's a good one brewing in my noggin, but not for tonight.

The ugly truth

I'd like to think that I speak for the majority when I say that when choosing who we sleep with, we tend to sleep "up". As much as I hate to use the numeric rating scale, it's simply easier using it to get my point across. So what I mean by this is if I consider myself a 7 or an 8 on a good day, ideally I'd sleep with someone that's an 8 and higher.

Before anyone gets their panties in a bunch and calls me out on being a narcissist, please step back for a second and honestly think about it. This is a simple truthful fact about humans. We general want to upgrade and feel somehow better about ourselves if we score someone hotter than us. Unless you're just raking in the numbers....then you're probably sleeping with whatever moves...or breathes....or maybe neither.


I bring this up because although I'm much like the general public in this, I also tend to over think a lot of things and over analyze people instead of doing anything just for the fuck of it...if you will.

I find myself attracted to people who are either far beyond me realistically, or people whom I find to be somehow superior to me. In a particular situation, I found somebody actually intellectually stimulating along with personality and looks. Someone that intrigued my complex and ever so changing taste in people. Someone that didn't bore me, for a lack of a better explanation.

Then, one good day, they proved to me that my standard of people and my supreme pickiness(that's a word, right?) is there for a reason. Someone who I thought would know better, acted like a complete jackass. For someone who I thought was confident and had such an attractive cool vibe to them to act like a lost puppy around a shinny new toy....deflated every and all interest from my end. It saddens me to know that my interest in others can be so easily deterred....but I guess its a good thing?

I realize this makes me sound like a complete asshole and a conceited bitch, and honestly, any other day I'd probably care that it did....but not today. I don't see anything wrong with finally seeing myself at face value. I am worth something and I do offer a lot to people. I've never been able to say anything close to this, and actually mean it. I'm an intelligent, funny, caring and attractive woman. I suppose I deserve to have my mind, body and soul stimulated by something more than mediocre.

In the words of Queen.... another one bites the dust.

my snowballs

So on those days where you feel like closing the blinds and hiding for a week or 50, you see who your real friends are. Went through a rough patch of days and was pleasantly reassured that I'm surrounded by the best people I can ever hope for.

I realize people are different and just like snow flakes, no friend is ever alike. I have myself quite a snowball made up of the best snowflakes I could catch.

Some people make me laugh, others put things in perspective, and some just plain out let me grab on and keep me above water for as long as I need.

I thank each and every one of you. You know who you are and all the things you do in your own unique way, to keep me alive...literally and metaphorically speaking. Let's go start an avalanche?

Life Gym

I don't know what it is lately, but I feel like I'm running on the treadmill of life at 50mph and heading absolutely nowhere. The odometer reads 28 years and yet the scenery is the same. Today in particular felt like anything and everything I did, it took an extra 5 steps to get to the first step. I feel broken down mentally but my momma didn't raise no quitta.

In the words of Dane Cook "I tried my beeeessssst!!!". OK, maybe not my best. But it was the best and most I could do, given the circumstances. Maybe nothing got done concretely, but a lot of small shit that was in the way of the big things got taken care of....and THOSE are the things I despise most about the day to day life.

Its not about the marathon you train for, its the daily boring, monotonous treadmill training you do a year before you run the marathon.

I think it's time we see others.

My relationship with this Los Angeles weather is like a bad boyfriend. I know it's bad for me, it's not going anywhere and I keep expecting it to change but I know it never will.

I think I need to break this off, Los Angeles. You make me cry, you never bring me pretty rainy weather, you don't even know what I like anymore. 

I'm giving you one more year. During this time I think we should see others. And while you're at it, you should try this whole four seasons thing. All the cool cities do it. It's safe and everyone comes home happy. Live a little. 

It's not you, it's me. I just enjoy different weathers. And you are a one trick pony.

Consider this a fair warning

Darwinism

Today I realized I would like to be put out of my misery before I get old enough to crap my pants and go senile thinking that cats are attacking me in my sleep and only sleeping 3 hours per night. 

There's a reason why before medicine and technology started keeping people alive, we only lived to a certain age. Because otherwise, those around you would club you over the head for being crazy. 

Oldness

Some days I feel younger than my age, other days I feel a decade older. Today is one of those days. Aside from washing the little car that could from top to bottom and in every nook and cranny...I couldn't force myself to do much else. 

My head is splitting still and my entire body aches. This B12 shot didn't help matters much. Now my right arm is useless and the right shoulder and neck are stiff as hell. 

It's time to accept the old feeling today. Turning in early tonight. 

Tomorrow should be fresh and easy. 

Her Royal Darkness is back.

Sleep is the solution to all issues...you'd think. 

Today I woke up hangover from an apparently invisible night of drinking and partying. Eyes swollen, voice gone and head pounding. Oh wait that's not a hangover, that's just this beautiful windy Los Angeles weather welcoming me back after a horrid drive home. This day was destined to be a pain in the ass from it's first moments. 

Black Betty was in no hurry to get off her horse and carriage. It took yet another brain storm to get her OFF the dolly. Finally she was out and parked at the house. 

My brain hurts today. This migraine makes me irritable and angry at the drop of a pin. No amount of pain killers seems help. To avoid a melt down, I attempted to stay in and rest as much as possible...which ended up turning into a day full of errands and road rage. Disaster not nearly avoided. And now it's time to burry my head in an icy cold eye pad and deep inside my pillow. 

The journey begins. She will run again....

Strap her in. Black Betty gets hitched.

The alarm was set to get up at 7:30....and so it did...and I hit snooze til my best friend hit me and said "I swear to god, get up! There's free breakfast to steal and we are gonna miss it because of you!" that's probably not what she said but that's what I heard.

Cable car ride.

The plan was to go see SF before we head out to Napa to perform Mission: Black Betty Comes Home. I finally got up at 9 and we managed to enjoy a small free breakfast in the lobby before it was all gone.

10am time to catch the cable car up Powell and into the fishermans wharf to check out the sea side. The cable cars have always been one of my most favorite things to do in SF. It never gets old and you see so much by just going from one end to the other.

After a brief walk down the wharf we caught the trolly bus to the palace of fine arts so we can actually walk around this time and see the inside, as I'd never actually been in this proximity to the palace. The bus ride alone was fun to do as we got to see some areas of SF I'd never driven by car.

Palace of Fine Arts

We walked up to the palace and enjoyed some time sitting by the ducks, watching people walk their dogs and parents playing with their kids. It's amazing to see this kind of beauty in the middle of a city. It absolutely made me serene and took my breath away. Water and architecture...you can never seize to amaze me with that combination. Much to my displeasure we couldn't stay too long. It was time to head back to the hotel to check out, rent a car dolly and get Black Betty home.

Luckily, I know zero Chinese.

On the trolley bus ride home, we managed to hop out right in the middle of Chinatown to revisit my favorite dim sum place and grabbed a ton of food for $3 to enjoy for lunch. With sad faces, pouts and a tiny bit of sobbing, we packed our things from the hotel, visited Lush (an organic bath and cosmetics store that was taunting us with it's yummy smells the entire night as it was our direct neighbor at the hotel), and we were on our way to uHaul.

Smelling like fresh hookers (from sampling everything at Lush) we finally were able to convince the guys at uHaul that we did, in fact, need to tow a car, and were on our way to Napa...1.5 hours after getting to uHaul. 750 lbs heavier and about 100000 decibels louder, we made it to Napa with only 3 wrong turns, thanks to my Mayhem navigation system.

It was time.

My beast of a car had zero charge on the battery, a broken transmission and no will to move on it's own. It was a puzzle only for an engineering mind to get the car out of the car port and on to the dolly hitched to my Acura. It only took 3 people and 3 hours to manually push the car onto a ramp and over the thresholds and secure it. Only after securing Black Betty, did I realize how ridiculous it looked. My poor Acura looked like the little boat that could.

And so it was...5:30pm and 10 hours of driving ahead of us. No grapevine for this little boat, we were to start out on I5 and cut across to Paso Robles and hit the 101 all the way home. An extra 120 miles that surely would save the Acura from certain explosion.

My bitch, riding bitch.

Thank god for my brother and his insane ability of driving for hours without any apparent side effects. We made it to the 41 and all the way across to Paso Robles and a few miles past. Then I heard a dangling chain. Not good news. We pull over at the nearest lit up parking lot only to discover that both tire straps were strapped in incorrectly and one was completely off. The car was one good bump away from sleeping on the 101 freeway while we drove home. With 20 minutes and lots of sweat and brain power, the disaster was averted and we were back on the road...car in tow.

Midnight hit and so did my migraine and exhaustion. Literally peeling my eyelids as I blinked, I decided it was time to surrender and sleep. I woke up 2 hours later in Santa Barbara with heavy fog in front of us. My brother seemed to have it covered so I slumped back into my seat and snoozed some more. Moments later (for me) we were in Thousand Oaks, getting the last fuel for the trip.
30 mins...and we were home...finally. Car and Black Betty safely parked for the night at the curb, it was time to pass out in full clothing...shoes off (I think).

50 hour day

Entering Tejon Pass....or my personal heaven (fog and gloom!)

6:30 in the morning...we are up, packed, breakfast sandwich in hand, ready to go. We hit the freeway and it hits us with Tuesday morning horrid traffic? 25 minutes and 2 exits into the drive I pull a ninja maneuver and head up to the 118. The streets are no less cruel this morning. We spend nearly an hour just getting to the 405. Alas, once we reach the outskirts of any major city, it's a green light to hit 75-80 and cruise this 350 mile journey.

Sir Francis Drake Highway Mossy Bridge

I wish I had something exciting to report for the nearly 250 mile drive through a highway that seems to run away from you the longer and faster you drive. The mixture of not being a morning person, not liking the sun blazing into my left eye constantly, and my a.d.d, makes the I5 one of the worst highways known to mankind. Stopping only to use the restroom and get gas, we manage to burn through nearly 350 miles of road in just over 6 hours. Somewhat tired I decide instead of heading straight to our hotel I'd like to go further up and see Point Reyes and the well known lighthouse. It's only 1pm at this point and the lighthouse is only 65 miles away...I plug in the coordinates and the navigation tells me it's going to be a 3 hour journey. This can only mean one thing: no straight roads ahead. I take this as a challenge and head forward.

no, really...after you.

 Upon reaching the last 40 miles to the destination, I finally realize why the navigation calculated this journey at 3 hours. We drive through areas of rain forest followed by beach-side oyster farms further followed by miles upon miles of farm and ranch land with cows spread out over acres of grass. I've honestly never seen such amazingly beautiful scenery. The cows roam free. At one point we saw a cattle crossing sign and laughed...only to stop to a herd of cows crossing the muddy road 1/4 of a mile later. I throw the car in park and patiently wait for all of about 50 cows slowly parade across, stopping to stare at us in the car like we needed directions to the lighthouse. Making sure all cows crossed safely, we continued on our adventure through the historic ranches. This would be a good time to mention that it was now close to 3pm and I had eaten all of one grilled cheese in the morning, 2 nuggets, 5 fries and 2 small baskets of blueberries.

Perfection.

Hypoglycemia is clearly not something I'm ever going to get used to. With bouts of hypoglycemic anger and exhaustion, I kept on puttering and searching for ANY sort of liquor store or cafe or road kill to fuel my tired body. Without luck, I might add. 35 miles later, we reach what seems to be the end of the world. I see no lighthouse and yet there is no more road...but the signs remain reassuring that there is indeed a lighthouse ahead. We park, walk to what looks like a hand written sign that states the lighthouse hours of operation are Thursday-Monday 9am-6pm....closed Tuesday and Wednesday. Of course it is. You know why? Because we are there. And it's a Tuesday. After muttering to myself for a few minutes I spot a ranger and he promptly tells us we are welcome to go up to the lighthouse, it's the information center and the "stairs down to the lighthouse" that are closed. I don't exactly know what he means but at this point we had driven 3 hours out of the way of rest without food, I am looking at SOMETHING. We start our ascend to the lighthouse (yes, uphill) and after a few feet see a sign that says "hike: 0.8 miles to lighthouse", fuck me sideways...this thing is a mile away still and it's all uphill. Oh and it's a comfy 42 degrees outside with a side of wind. Screw it, let's see this glorious light-box.

Edge of the Pacific Coast

We reach what seems to be the other end of the world...feeling like I've smoked 4 packs of cigarettes daily since birth...huffing and puffing...I see a ledge and a wire fence and an arrow showing me the way to the lighthouse (which by the way, we still can't see). This ledge is the edge of a mountain which is god knows how high (and I'll remind everyone of my serious fear of heights at this moment). I'm determined to see this shitty house. I walk as close to the mountain as humanly possibly, practically blending into the rocks and after 20 feet of absolute terror we reach a platform enclosed by the same wire fence....still no fucking lighthouse. The platform seems like a pedestal where Jesus comes to pick you up when you've kicked the bucket. I see tourists with their high tech cameras standing at the edge looking down...I crawl my way to what I think is certain death. I peak over the fence with white clenched knuckles and eyes half closed...and there it is. The lighthouse. All of 4 feet tall and 5 feet wide....at the bottom of about 100 foot drop. Seriously!? This is what I drove an extra 3 hours and risked a heart attack (twice) for?!

Use a microscope. It's in there somewhere.

I simply turn around and start walking back to my car. No longer afraid of the ledge of death or the Himalayan style weather, pissed off and cursing everything around me. Disappointed is not even close to what I felt. After getting yelled at for ruining the air by bitching, I quietly and angrily make my way to the car, still dying of asthma, get to the car and without a word, head out.

My angry and silence got quickly interrupted as my best friend and I spot a cow giving birth on the side of the road. After risking getting somehow killed by a mama cow, by stopping the car and climbing to the side to take some pictures of the baby calf and mom, we head out in search of food (still).

Happy Birthday baby boy

On the way we find a friend, a doggie that comes to my window and says hello, a few more furry cows, and a beach with a few seals...no food. It's 5pm and I'm ready to collapse from exhaustion and there's still a forest to cross and San Francisco drivers on their commute home to maneuver around. I give up on finding food and focus my attentions on getting to the hotel in one piece.

1.5 hours later and a few random acts of delirium, we arrive at our amazing hotel. I see high rise buildings, I hear cable cars, I smell a plethora of foods...this is home. My tank is on empty and the keys are out. Someone please take my shoes off because I am out for the count.

Maybe not. After briefly laying in bed while my bestie went across the street to grab us pizza slices, we get out to see downtown...or as we called it, our street that night. Trekking up and down a few blocks and my tires deflate completely. I'm literally ready to collapse on the sidewalk and nap right then and there. We decide it's better to walk back to the room and call it a night.

I can't even shower or change. I'm on the bed in full get up, with my best impression of a blanket covering the bed. Snoring and drooling. I am...asleep in 1 minute flat.

You'd think this was it?

Heart of SF

I wake up an hour later literally itching for sushi. My best friend is tko'ed on the bed. I shower, change and wake her up with promises of amazing sushi if she just walks to pick it up with me.
30 minutes later we are walking 2 blocks down Powell street (me happily, she...reluctantly). Sushi is ready, we pick it up and head back...on the way back I have a brilliant idea to eat at the tables in union square in the middle of downtown SF with sounds of Powell cable cars, saxophones, and bucket drums filling our ears. This is...a perfect dinner.



Full. Exhausted (still). And absolutely satisfied. It's time for bed for real this time. I hit the bed and 30 seconds later I was kicking in my sleep and mumbling about the crapiness of the lighthouse...a fresh cold breeze from the wide open window hitting my face, it's midnight....I am down. Good night San Francisco.

Stuffed to the furs.

Perhaps.....someone can explain to me why my neighbor has, what seems to be, her dead cat stuffed and propped up on display in her main window? With all the curtains pulled back so EVERYONE can see how spry her little baby was...once. It's creeping me out a little...lot.

I'd snap a picture if I weren't afraid that somewhere deep inside her dungeon she may have some previously spry neighbors, stuffed and propped up on display as well.

I never did understand taxidermy...and I don't think I ever will. Although, my hamster would have been fun to keep around after we put her down. She didn't do much anyway.

I digress. I'm open for explainations.

Ninjas and rainbows.

I like my friends like I like my rainbows, colorful, bright, slightly fruity and a little bit urban ninja.

Well what's there to say about a night where you get home at 3am, sober, and your face hurts, along with your abs, from laughing so hard that the entire city of Chatsworth hears you snort? Who knew Chatsworth could be so much fun on a Sunday night.

For the second time in 11 years, a group of old (sorry guys, we are pushing 30) friends from high school finally cleared our "busy schedules" to make a dinner date filled with Mexican food (gotta keep it close to our CP roots), margaritas, shots, and potential flan fights. Some people I've seen here and there in the last few years, a few I haven't seen in the entire 11 years since graduating! And I don't think any one of us has changed one bit.

Los Toros didn't know what hit them and I'm fairly certain they regretted sitting our party at the front of the restaurant. Our poor waiter was the biggest trooper, with all the retarded requests we attempted to make.

After eating all of a 1/4th of a quesadilla (there was no time for chewing and swallowing when there were this many personalities at the table cracking jokes non stop) we settled on McGs bar "down the street". First of all, mr. Patel, 5 blocks is NOT down the street, but the walk back after the bar more than made up for the proximity.

The entire decision process of what we wanted to do after dinner, I wouldn't shut up about karaoke...and low and behold, McGs just so happened to have some of that goodness happening all night looong...alll niiiight.

After a few bad attempts at getting mr. Hipster-sexual to do Tina Turner's "proud Mary" (at the request of Leif), we finally convinced him to get to the stage with something far less entertaining but equally as funny. And god bless his soul, he belted out "Don't stop believing" with the help of Alecia and Mo...thank you girls..I will, indeed, keep believing!

When we managed to scare off the only two hot guys in the bar, it was time for last call and to stroll our way back to our cars. Some of us were completely sober, some were crashing into light poles, and a few were comfortably in between.

And the walk back was hands down the most epic time of the nights. Between Raj(u) slamming straight into a pole (and then telling it to keep walking) and him showing off his urban ninja moves (with the help of leif's Norwegian burly man muscles) he managed to do some impromptu Parquor which included a full blown walk up a wall with a back flip...only to land in leif's open arms. In his later attempt, Leif snoozed and Raju ended up flat on his ass yelling out "dude I thought you were gonna catch me!!!"

Just like rainbows, I see these mofos once in a great while after the rain washes us all out. And I can't thank them enough for being such amazingly great people. Rejects of class of 2000 CPHS...let's not wait another 11 to show off the urban ninja again, k? K.


And to the guy in the hat that killed every song he went up to do, and promptly left after starting a conversation with us? Dude, call me. I had to go pee, it was nothing personal.

Maybe its the wind

I'd like to take this moment to address those drivers whose sole purpose in life is to confuse the hell out of other drivers on the road and create accident situation on flat ground with absolutely zero reason behind it.

(phew long sentence)

I understand pure confusion and maybe sometimes when the roads change on you out of nowhere. It happens to the best of us. But really, is it necessary to switch into my lane going 20 miles slower than me, to merge onto a freeway which you decide 3 feet before the exit is no longer the freeway you needed, so you swiftly switch back across 4 lanes cutting off 4 other drivers....all the while still blinking into my lane??

Rule of 3rds, people. I'm gonna start implementing it. Every 3rd person is to be "eliminated" from the roads of southern California.

With Liberty and helplessness for all

In other news: it turns out all women really want in men is the same thing that some hippie group of stinky women some decades ago fought so hard to get rid of; a man that is a MAN. Someone who can use a power tool and actually WANTS to. Someone that works to provide for the family. Someone that likes to make things more powerful by adding a gagillian watts of something rather to the vacuum cleaner so that when his wife vacuums, the cat needs to strap himself to something nailed down to avoid being sucked in with the rest of the crap that isn't nailed down.

I mean really, aside from letting women vote (seems like a no-brainer to me, seeing as how, turns out, we are indeed also human), respecting us as previously mentioned humans (by maybe not slapping our ass and sending us off to the kitchen to make you a sandwich) and letting us have the option of having a career on top of being a wife and a mother...it seems that "women's rights" have somehow failed in the blue prints.

I'm sorry to put my metro-sexual exs on the spot here, but either I don't know how to pick a real man, or real "men" have turned into nail polishing, "call the tv company, the cable's unplugged", face moisturizing and chest waxing....VAGINAS.

Seriously guys, man up.

It's not cute or even remotely attractive when your girl knows how to change a tire and use a power tool better than you.

I'm just sayin....

Deep thoughts: ....while on a soap box.

 This is a rant I went on with someone, names have been removed, obviously. It's just my end of the conversation because I gave very little breathing room for responses lol I read it back and it made me think a little and laugh a lot.

"Because you say that when someone has your heart you're loyal. He had my heart...but I think it's a matter of time before everyone gets bored and heart being safe doesn't mean they don't surrender to temptations. 

But that's not loyalty. That's turning when someone doesn't provide a certain aspect. 

Not a single soul in this world can keep you satisfied in every aspect at ALL times. Loyalty is living past that. And communicating and figuring out ways to fix it.. So ya...even for a person like me who is loyal and is tripped up with love (not lust) and feelings, I got fed up and just fucked up.

And all of this explains my huge, HUGE trust issues. It's not because of other people's fuck ups. It's knowing that even the deepest love (like I had for ****) doesn't stop people like me from hurting others. I don't trust because I know everyone lies. Even I lied. And I lied well because I was trusted. I'd never lied to (him) before so when I had the necessity to lie, he believed me. And I was pissed off that he believed me. He didn't even challenge the lies. 

So ya.  I know how easy it is to lie to someone that trusts you. So I don't give people the benefit of making it easy to lie to me...if I don't trust them, it's harder for them to hurt me and lie. 

I don't like putting people through the hell of mistrust. Constantly having to prove to me their faithfulness. But it's the only way I can even begin to open my heart to someone...anyone. But how do I quiet that evil demon of mistrust? How do I feed it without jeopardizing relationships? I know fully that if someone is cheating or doing something behind my back there's not a single thing I can do about it. And by asking things and pointing them out, it only shows the person their lies, where they are weak and gives them the opportunity to do a better job of lying. It's never a good combination when mistrust is involved. 

You don't think I ever played that card? The "how can you even accuse me of something like this?! I have never lied to you before. You know, I'm mad cos you'd even accuse me of shit I'd never do" meanwhile....the shit I'm being accused of, is exactly what I'm doing. And now, I know where my lying is slipping. 

Maybe I even wanted to get caught. 

Honesty and faithfulness and trust is all relative anyway. It's a matter of how much you want to be honest and how much you want something. Nobody can ever make anyone else be truthful or faithful. Eventually people will lose interest and go other ways. Thus proving that there's no such thing as ONE person for someone. Even that person will get old at some point. Hopefully it's at a point where nobody else wants you or their wrinkly ass anymore so you stay together growling at each other til your happy deaths. 

Monkeys...humans are nothing more. We think too highly of ourselves but we act just like them...sometimes worse 

Monkeys don't lie ;) 

If a monkey sees something they don't like, they go and beat the crap out of it and yell. We try "talking it out"

Here's the conversation "you play with my stuff *punch* no more" Talk finished. We get vengeful and jealous, snoop, dig, hurt, divorce...I say just punch it out. Takes less time and people get the point. 

Monkeys straight up come and steal another monkey's mate. Nobody goes to court about it lol 

Humans are dumb ass fucking creatures. Creating problems and issues out of everything. 

It's smart cos it works. Primates are monogamous creatures but that doesn't mean they don't get tired of their crazy ass mates and decide to switch their asses out. Kick them out of the tribe, problem solved. She gets picked up by some less alpha male. Life goes on. 

Human desires and standards ruin EVERYTHING. We are never satisfied. Always on the look out for bigger better faster stronger more expensive....no matter what the cost. And generally, the price is drama, hurt feelings and ending up alone and old and pissed off at the world."

And then I stepped off my soap box and went to watch Planet Earth: Primates. My family. And I understood why I love them so much :)

WTF was that for??

Today I feel like leaving you with my all time favorite jokes instead of anything written by me.

A snail is walking across a sidewalk when a man walks by, picks it up and tosses it into the bushes. He goes inside his house. Three years passes he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, the snail screams "what the fuck was that for you asshole?!"



Don't forget to laugh and smile every day ;)

If God had a name...

I'm absolutely fascinated by churches. I don't go to church, I've never felt the urge to attend mass, I certainly don't follow any specific religious rules, I'm just simply amazed at the ideas and the architecture. 

It's amazing how ridiculously gorgeous most churches are. Grand building with high vaulted ceilings, fancy tiles throughout, columns and rows of hardwood benches, exquisite windows and artwork. The organs, the pianos, the candles, the woodwork, the smells! It's almost overwhelming. 

And have you ever walked into a church and said "hm this isn't the cleanest building I've been in", because I haven't. They are always spotless and so quiet you can hear a pin drop a mile away. Its such serenity in such a ginormous space. Its all built on faith and devotion. It amazes me how strict and dedicated people can be in the name of God and religion all together...and yet some people wouldn't even lift a dish towel in their homes. Why is it that we can follow rules of something made up (I'm sorry, I'm just not a believer in the bible. Rather I don't believe that it wasn't written by people who needed something to follow and believe in) and yet we can't seem to follow simple laws and rules created to better society as a whole. How many people have you heard thank God that they made it through prison because of a law they couldn't abide? Or a husband that beats his wife and attends church regularly. A sinner of any sort that confesses his sins and is somehow cleared of them? 

Why can't we appreciate parks and landmarks like we appreciate churches and take better care of them? If God is omnipresent then he sees you trashing your local park, or running that red light which can potentially harm another human, or drinking and driving after having 2 previous DUIs...

It shouldn't take faith in any God for a single person to function as a good human and maintain a simple life where you answer for the sins and pay for the laws you break...every time you commit them or break them.

Liking the heat and staying in the kitchen.

After last night's hoorah about soaking my oats, tonight I decided to domesticate myself completely by cooking a full blow healthy meal for the family. What can I say, I'm a bit of a contradiction. 

I've always been really home drawn. As a Cancer, I'm a home body and always enjoyed everything domestic. So it's no surprise to me when I get the inkling to cook. Over the last few years I've just strayed away from cooking because I got discouraged by a certain ex. Guess that's what happens when your every move in the kitchen gets analyzed and criticized. I never felt so watched and looked over in my whole life, even by supervisors at work!

He also liked to cook by the book and I've never liked cooking by following recipes. I find them restricting and nothing ever comes out the same. I'm more of an experiment cook. Trial and error. Some things come out amazingly and I try to remember the rough idea for the next time. Some things come out so-so and I try it differently next time. Others get bagged all together. Either way, I love the kitchen...as long as there are no florescent lights! Those make me hiss and run. 

Rough day today with the migraine running wild most of the day. A quick nap and some laughs over dinner with family and the bestie seems to have lifted my spirit. 

Cupcakes tomorrow. Yum. 

It's just a number

I find it funny and somewhat offensive that people assume that women are ready to settle down and have a family at a younger age than men. Maybe a fairly large majority of us really are ready to start poppin out kids at 20, but I think that a good amount of us are just as happy to wait to settle down as men are.

It used to be that you had to wait for a guy to mature and settle in and be in his 30s..I think that age has gone up. Now men in their 40s are looking for girls in the 20s to wife and have a family. I totally agree that men should wait til they are done spearing their seeds all over town and be "done" with it before they get married. What I don't get is, who ever made it a rule that girls don't want to do the same? 

When I was in my earlier 20s and in a long term relationship, I was convinced my biological clock was ticking. I was certain I could be married and have a few kids like TOMORROW. Then I opened my eyes and realized I was the furthest from it. Being single for the past few years and having literal freedom from being attached to someone has seriously made me think that I'm just not "done" yet. If I had to settle down right now, I think I'd feel very cheated out of the life I still want to live without having to answer to anyone. 

Or maybe I just have a male mentality...which I've been told before. Whatever it is, it's time to get out and soak my oats..or whatever it is you're supposed to do with your oats. 

Time to do what Linda has always wanted to do but was always too reserved and scared to do...live my life. 

Not all is lost

The plan was to head out early this morning so we could hit downtown one more time to pick up some more dim sum (I'm hooked) and FINALLY see the painted houses in Alamo Square before we took off back to LA.

I realized this was no longer the plan when I woke up at 10:30 and apparently everyone was "letting me rest". I must admit it was nice to sleep on such a cozy mattress and to let my body recover from the last few days. I still woke up as congested as ever, but I felt better and looked better. I actually looked RESTED. No morning is complete without amazing pancakes for breakfast made by my brother's girlfriend. This morning they were home made chocolate blueberry pancakes that we actually fought for.




After eating what seemed like the entire house, it was sadly time to pack it up, pack it in and hit the road. There was no way I was missing those damn Victorian houses and my dim sum for lunch.

Getting into town seemed easy enough. I think I'm actually getting the hang of the streets now. I managed to get to Alamo Square without a problem and there they were....in all their painted glory. Six nearly identical houses squished next to one another, each wearing a different color. For what I've heard about these houses, I think the anticipation was far greater than actually seeing them in person. After all this, they were just six Victorian houses. Up to this point, I'd seen so many gorgeous Victorians that these just didn't seem to impress me all that much. Never the less, I am glad I finally went and saw them and like every other tourist there, took a picture.

On to the food.

I realized that we need cash before we get to the same place where we'd gotten some amazing steamed balls of bread and happiness. First task, find an ATM....liquor store with an atm inside AND parking? Don't mind if I do! Task number two, figure out where the hell exactly you were two nights ago in the midst of 400 Chinese shops and a million windows with peeled and cooked geese hanging in them.

This is a good time to explain my "system overload" melt downs: this occurs when Linda has too much information being fed into her brain and all the senses are being utilized to process this information and sometimes....just sometimes, the senses get overloaded and the brain goes on vacation and decides its better to just let go of all thinking and processing and just pretend we're there.

At this particular time I was wearing my pajamas still (hey it's not like anyone was going to see me driving for the next 8 hours), thus I had no pockets and I was wearing gloves. In my hands were: a phone, two $20 bills, car keys and change for the parking meter. On my brain was: remember where you parked the car, remember to throw money in there and how much time you have, where the hell is this tiny hole in the wall...I see 30 other places that look just like it. In my ears was: the chit chat of my mom and aunt trying to figure out the same thing...one pointing this way, the other pointing the other way and claiming that she has no idea where it is and probably shouldn't be looking for it anyway, honking and constant chatter of the vendors on the street. Enter System Overload. I threw up my hands, handed off my phone and change to my mom (who had pockets), let them lead the way (which we actually found with THEIR sense of direction) and focused on breathing and not punching the next person to make any noise.

We order a conglomeration of dim sum to eat now and to enjoy on the drive back...the lady at the counter gives me a total...I reach for my twenties....annnnnnnnd they are gone. In the midst of the overload I had dropped, stuffed, stashed, and plain out LOST two $20 bills in the streets of Chinatown. Good luck with finding that. Wallet left in the car and no other cash on us, we are forced to surrender the food and walk back to the car. At this point I wanted nothing to do with food, anything Chinese, or speaking another word aside from "fuck".

I've never been so sharp on directions as I was on the way the fuck out of Downtown and OUT of San Francisco. I'm pretty sure I made record time.

After much calming down from my mom and aunt, I finally gave up on being angry and got on my merry way. (It's a little known fact about me, but I absolutely despise losing things...especially cash).

We had planned to take the coast til we got to Moro Bay but about 15 miles into the coastal drive quickly realized it was a futile effort as the sun would be setting just as we were to pass Big Sur and it would take us an extra 3 hours to get home. It was already nearing 4pm and I was in no mood to drive a huge canyon in the dark. I made an executive decision and back tracked my way to get back to the 5.

There's a huge tradeoff when it comes to taking the 5 freeway down to Los Angeles and through the grapevine. You practically have to give up your sanity to be able to drive and stare at the same fucking scene for 3 long hours with zero turns in the road and the same stupid cars and trucks driving on cruise control. And with such incredibly fun smells rolling in and out of the car from the cow farms and god knows what else. Needless to say, I don't like taking the 5 back home.

If this weren't enough to make me want to slit my wrists with the remaining plastic spoon in the car, when we got to the top of the grapevine we hit MASSIVE fog of about 4inch visibility. I saw NOTHING in front of me nor to the side of me. It was the most intense 45 minutes of my life trying to navigate 5 miles of road and seeing only the tip of my nose.

With all this behind us, the rest of the drive was a piece of cake. It was the first time I'd driven from SF to LA the entire time and my ass, back and legs definitely let me know that as soon as I stepped out of the car when I got home.

By midnight, I wanted nothing more than my own bed and to lay in a coma like state staring at the flickering tv....and that is exactly what I decided to do.

This trip is in the books and it was amazing all around, cold and loses aside.

Just for the wondering few, the Cadillac comes home in a few weeks. Too many people and too much planned to be able to take it home today.

It's sleep time.

Rest for the weary.

After such a jam packed day in town, I wanted to do anything but walk. This nasty cold has gotten to the best of me and I spent the morning standing in the shower steaming and attempting to breathe. Whatever has attacked my nasal cavity, is in there nice and cozy and is in no hurry to leave. No amounts of tissue boxes and tea is getting rid of this congestion.

Not to cheat myself out of a day out, I did what I could with the steam and moved on with the day. Smelling like a medicine box and still looking fresher than last night's pizza, we got out to head to Napa for a day of relaxing with the kids, my brother and his girlfriend. And after only getting lost once on the way to the Bay Area Bridge (this is a new record for me, as navigating San Francisco is like presenting a math problem to a 5 year old...and not a very smart one at that). To put it nicely, my navigation system in my brain goes haywire when I hit that city.

Upon arriving to Napa, the first thing I did was lay on the bed "for 5 minutes" and instantly fell asleep for a good 20 minute nap. After finally peeling my eyes open I handed the keys to my brother, we loaded the kids into the car and headed out for a scenic drive around the Napa area. I have to admit prior to seeing the things we saw today, I was slightly bored of this city and never thought it had anything interesting to see.  Apparently, I was wrong. We saw huge hills and meadows with fog rolling over green pastures and houses with acres upon acres of land with cows roaming free. It was the most peaceful scenery. I'm ashamed to say that I lasted in the car as long as a 3 year old before we both knocked out for yet another nap. Though Matti had a purpose for his nap (re-fueling for evening time shenanigans), I on the other hand was just attempting to battle this cold, which at this point was just sucking every ounce of energy out of me.

I can't be a witness to what happened on the rest of the drive, as I woke up in the back seat about an hour later and we were home. Somewhat refreshed, it was time to go pick up some last minute essentials before we made dinner at home. Like any 3 females in a car, on our way to the supermarket for some salad ingredients and BBQ sauce, we saw an outlet mall...so we stopped in...for an hour...or two.

On we went with the supermarket...juice: check, BBQ sauce: check, salad: check....a whole bunch of other things NOT on the shopping list: check!

As much as I wish I would have taken a picture of our dinner, I think it's best I didn't because I'd be going to get 5ths and 6ths right now...and I just don't think my stomach can handle any more. Slow cooked pulled bbq pork....baked potato cubes...Russian cucumber, tomato, onion salad (mixed by Matti)....dinner rolls....and great company. I ended the night with my face in the big salad bowl, dipping sourdough bread into the juice left over by the salad....and snacking on more pork. Mind you this was an hour after we finished eating.

Reluctantly, its tea time...and then bed time. My little body is stuffed happily to the gills and ready for some Tempurpedic mattress time.

time for home tomorrow...

Day 3 and dim sum

Today's mission was to find dim sum in downtown, ride some cable cars, see the Palace of fine arts at night, finally see the "painted ladies", and come home with sore ass muscles.

The mission was 99% complete.

Staying up til 4am last night didn't fair very well will waking up early to get the ball rolling so we decided we could use a few extra hours of sleep in the morning. After going to a rite aid about 10 miles away (because we apparently just like driving around), we got back in the morning to have some breakfast and wait for my brother to meet up at the hotel to head out to San Fran together...at 2pm.

Initially the plan was to take the BART to the Union Station and walk around til our toes fell off, but we opted out of public transportation and drove in to town, parked the car in a $10 lot and began our 5 hour walking tour. I immediately wanted to hitch the Powell cable car up towards Russian Hill which consequently brought us right next to Chinatown.
I'd never been to this part of town so I had no clue where we would find dim sum and how we would get there. Of course one or my most favorite things about San Francisco, is the fact that people are actually friendly and helpful. A lady overhead us talking about getting dim sum and quickly suggested a place just off the street where we were getting off the cable car. And so it was...a tiny crowded hole in the wall, with stacks of dim sum baskets.

The menu? All in Chinese.

Another lady in the line in front of us offered some sense..pointed to the non-hospital-sending selections and even mentioned of the unknown discount if you buy a certain amount. Again, thank you ladies for making this process so painless and delicious. This was by far the most pleasant experience I'd ever had with getting any ethnic food in a non-English speaking place. The dim sum? Mouth watering. I stuck with pork. And munched on a red bean one for dessert.


This of course now meant we had to walk off the calories we just ingested....and god knows we did. I think we hit every hill there is in the bay area...somehow ending up going uphill both ways....in the snow...with no shoes...

Anyway. It sucked at times (and only because I'm clearly in worse shape than I thought I was), but overall the walking was amazing. We headed back to the car and decided we deserved a hot cup of cocoa. Here came the root of all evil...the Ghirardelli chocolate shop.

And funny enough when we got there I wanted nothing to do with chocolate so I ordered a waffle cup of strawberry ice cream....and destroyed it in 5 minutes flat. Fortunately my voice has been hoarse and scarce in the last few days, so when I lost it from freezing my vocal chords with the icy goodness, nobody really noticed.

And when we finally got back to our room, nothing was more welcoming than a steamy hot shower with incense burning. This cold has nothing on me this time around. What's a little snot and a few days of sounding like Joan Rivers gonna do to my plans?

I got my dim sum in Chinatown, rode the cable car, and managed to even see the amazing Palace of Arts....those painted ladies keep evading me, however. Maybe today, those ladies that helped with the dim sum escapade were our painted ladies.

The real ones will have to wait til Saturday morning, when I will absolutely go snap a picture before we head out home.

Thank god for such a busy day and hopefully a less strenuous one tomorrow as we head up to Napa.

West Coast Ridin: day 2...

After knocking out completely last night with the help of anxiety meds, cold meds and a few cups of hot tea, we were ready to roll out again this morning. With last night's chicken vindaloo still feeding me, breakfast was optional so we hit the road. Visiting the Monterey Aquarium, Cannary Row, and revisiting my phone's first swimming lesson spot. This time, my phone stayed in the car. 

Still taking the scenic route of PCH HWY 1, we stopped at pretty much every beach and every pretty view point....and also when asked nicely by the police. Yep. Add another ticket to my collection. Bastard caught me going 74 in a 55. I can't even deny going that fast, but in my defense, the car in front of me was going just as fast and it seemed normal to the both of us I think. Going 55 at any point on PCH just seems like a sin anyway. Anyway, I must be losing my flirting touch, because I couldn't get myself out of this one. Maybe I just wasn't trying? Or maybe the cop wasn't worth the effort? Whatever it was, I just wanted to get the hell on with it and drive 75 again. 

I must admit this would put a dent in my day any other time, but this time I just brushed it off and continued enjoying the beautiful scenery and took in all the amazing sea air.

Not too much longer after the po-po bust, we arrived in Daly City. Which seemed a bit sketchy at first but after realizing that the Korean characters on every sign and billboard were not, in fact, graffiti, I actually liked the city. Our hotel is nice with a separate bedroom for the second bed, and is overlooking Cow Palace and all of San Francisco and some of the Bay. 

Though I was thoroughly exhausted after driving a 2 hour route in 4.5 hours, I couldn't resist going to visit my favorite place in San Fran. Here's the kicker: the last time I was at this little shop was 3 years ago and I didn't remember the name or the address of it. All I remembered was it was near Ashbury....that was it. With blind luck and a lot of photographic memory (and a few road rage incidents and missed turns) I found it! And it was everything I remembered it being and more. It's my personal slice of peace and Tibetan bliss. I spent an hour "shopping". Which is something I hate doing. $45 later, I was done. 

Now came time to get back to the hotel. Those who know me, will tell you that when I don't know an area too well, I will make every wrong turn until I finally miss the right exit and have to flip a few bitches to get back on track. Tonight, was no different. I somehow managed to hit every hilly street in San Francisco and ended up on the Golden Gate bridge going the complete opposite direction from my hotel. But alas, at least I got to see the bridge at night...there's always a silver lining?

$6 in tolls later and a few more pissed off drivers, we safely made it back to Daly City, ordered a huge Greek pizza (complete with wings and stuffed Jalapeno peppers and orange soda), and made it back safely to the room...somehow. 

Stuffed to the gills with food and more god forsaken tea (if I hear that word one more time during this trip, I may actually kill someone...please no more tea)....I am ready for bed...and for tomorrow's adventures in Downtown San Francisco...by train and trolly. I can't wait to hit Chinatown and see what they have to offer in their Dim Sum carts. 

til then...I rest and hope to stuff this cough before it gets worse.

Pacific Coast Ride

I've had this trip to San Francisco and Napa planned for over three weeks to not only take a drive up the coast and celebrate my brother's birthday, but to finally get my Cadillac back home so I can start mending it. 

What's the most annoying thing that can happen when you're planning a trip? A cold. And of course, I got it. I'm beyond suffering with nasal congestion and a main line break in my nose causing all sorts of leakage. Chills, fever, achy body, cough. I'm actually ignoring the cold all together. If it weren't for the constant popping in the ears from the pressure, I'd even get away with ignoring it. All that said, I'm not complaining. Still enjoying the trip as much as I can. Monterey tonight with some delicious Indian food. Not so bad of a day.

San Fran tomorrow. 

Potato, potatoeee

I was watching a program on people with fetishes...(wait that's not the punch line). 
I'd say I'm pretty open, sexually. I don't knock things til I at least hear about it from someone who is nice enough to explain to me without judgement. And I'm sure I've done and liked things that others look at as strange. But in watching this show I realized there is one fetish (well, at least of the ones shown tonight) that I will never understand: feet. 

Seriously. Why feet? Is there anyone with like an elbow fetish? Or a chin fetish? Eyebrows? I personally find those more attractive than feet. And I like feet. I mean I'm not grossed out by feet. I just don't understand people who are aroused by them.

To each his own I suppose! Just don't go humping my toes, you might get kicked in the chin. 

JetStream @ Canyon Club 1.1.11

I have to say it took some convincing to get me out of my pajama pants last night to go to a show. It would be the first show of the year, in a new venue (for me) for a band I've been meaning to see live for over a year. Not only did I get out of my pajamas, I actually got dressed and even put on boots and a scarf. If anyone knows me, that's a lot more clothing than I'm ever willing to put together. In my defense it was cold. And to clear it up, I'm allergic to wearing shoes and too many layers of clothing...not quite an exhibitionist. Anyway, onward to the show. I'm excited that I'm getting more opportunities to see more and more shows and do what I like best....give out my opinion on them.

There I was at the Canyon Club wearing my spiffy blue 21+ wristband....upon entering the place and walking past the bar, I quickly realized I was one of few people wearing a blue wristband. The big sea of crowd in the middle of the club was on average a foot shorter than me and at least 15 years younger. And when the show started I remembered that the band was also half my age. This would be the first time I could bully my way to the front of the stage without getting knocked out. I spotted a few parents in the crowd but mostly, I was surrounded by barely teens, tapping away on their smart phones that were one generation newer than my dinky iPhone. I think one of them looked at me like I may have lost my way to the senior center and quickly hair flipped his way back to the stage.

My point? This crowd was young. After a brief age difference crisis, I settled on enjoying the show.


Three seemingly normal kids hit the stage, by the name of  JetStream...quite frankly the only thing normal about them is their appearance. Everything else is pure talent hidden away into teenage kids. These young men have the presence of seeded rock stars and have zero problems playing to the crowd. Lead singer Garrett Zeile commands the entire club from the first moment they hit the stage. Jumping on speakers, tossing picks to the screaming teenage girl fans, and posing for crowd photographers...this band knows what to do. At first glance...and after a few songs of staring...bass player Kevin Grimmett resembles a young Slash as if he were cloned at age 15. Put a top hat on him and stick a cigarette in his mouth and you'd have me convinced. (smoking is a terrible habit, kids...even Slash realized this and is now cigarette free).

Perhaps one of my favorite people of the entire night was drummer Ben Zelico, who always puts a smile on my face because he seems to be enjoying himself so much on stage! I never once saw him without a smile on his face. If I weren't twice his age I'd have a crush on him and if I weren't just 14 years older, I'd be one very proud mother. It's not fair to us normal people that three kids can be this talented, this good looking and have this much fun doing exactly what they love to do. And boy do they know they are a hot bunch of kids. I don't know if it was because they were playing to their own age group, playing a familiar venue, or because they are just that confident, but these guys are starting to develop quite the swagger.


What's more impressive? They play only their own, original material! Not a single cover in their set list. I've seen many a seasoned band playing cover after cover to try and grab people's attentions and these guys manage to stay away. Kudos for that!

Although this was a heavily packed place, I'd love to see them play to an older crowd for full effect. Their sound is getting heavier and less poppy which I think will fair well with other age groups. I didn't grab a set list, but one song was an absolute hit down to some brilliant bass licks and almost metal double bass drum kicks. By far my favorite. I'll try to get a set list so I can familiarize myself with song titles.

I'm loving this young talent and the direction they are taking. I look forward to their debut album release and I'll definitely keep everyone posted on when this happens.



Look out for Garrett, Kevin and Ben at my favorite venue on the Sunset Strip, the Viper room this Saturday, January 8th.


for all images from this show go here