I just figured out why I'm more angry than "some" people. I don't blame anything on everyone else, I accept my mistakes and my stupidity as my own fuck ups. People who find "peace within themselves" are just a bunch of hypocritical lying sacks of shit that push blame on anyone but themselves. It angers me that not only do I take on the responsibility of my failures but I am also used as a scapegoat by those same assholes. Here's a big middle finger to you self entitled, meditating, pretentious, arrogant, self centered scum.
I may be "angry at the world" because i don't understand a lot of whats happening, but at least I know when I fuck up all I need to do is fix it. And when I fix it, I can sleep at night. Eventually, pushed blame makes a full circle and comes right back to you. Karma is a heavy bitch that hits thrice as hard as you dish out.
I no longer give a crap if I lose fiends by not allowing people to step all over me. In fact, if you are offended by me telling people to step off, you are not a friend. I'm perfectly satisfied having 2-3 true people in my life that UNDERSTAND me and know who I am and how I am to TRUE friends. My personality has sadly left me confused about the authenticity of people and the sincerity of their intents. My emotional self preservation is kicked into high gear. I no longer give a crap about anyone else's feelings and opinions of me except my family and the VERY few true friends I've managed to keep through a very hard battle of trust. Either prove your worth and sincerity or piss off.
Probably the harshest anyone will hear me speak. But...enough is enough.
People fuck up. People fuck up a lot. Hm, I get what you're saying and understand where you're coming from. I think that life is not easy and that the point is what we become depending on the choices we make throughout the struggle.
ReplyDeleteDo you like what you have become?
That's the question you ultimately must deal with. And it is also the only question that matters. There's always a choice and regardless of what you may think: we all get the choice to become exactly what we are.
For me...hm...there are huge trust issues when dealing with other people. I trust people to do whatever is in their best interest for themselves at the moment. It's cynical and cold (and detached) and I don't particulaly like it...but when I look at the facts, when I look at the history of peoples action--there it is.
That's the problem, I DON'T like what I've become. I've become a wet blanket and a doormat for people who, like you say, can only be trusted to do whatever it is that interests them at the time.
ReplyDeleteBecause I'm in a constant give mode I've left myself behind. It's biting me in the ass majorly. In a group of people, if anything needed to be blamed...I'm the person everyone would immediately turn to. Why? Because I let them. Because no matter the truth, my sick mind will somehow make lies into sense. Justifying the blame bring put on me.
I've had enough of kindness taken for weakness. And I may sound like a broken record on this, but its only because I feel like I'm trying so hard to change myself. Character takes time to change. I can't except for people to change nor can I expect for people to appreciate kindness and see it as something positive and not taken for granted or used against me. I'm not interested in changing my character of kindness towards the people that deserve it, but to help myself sort through the bullshit. To stop being so open, kind, accepting before KNOWING it won't be somehow turned on me. So far I've only found one solution...not being such a softie.
Hopefully it works.
It's good that you recognize your behavior and are trying to get to the bottom of it. I love your honesty and I hope you never lose that. It's easy to get lost, to feel like you're in between two sand dunes and can't see over them to what's ahead or behind.
ReplyDeleteDo you know what you love to do?
Do you know what you were built for?
Some people never figure that out. For me it's easy (I know what makes me tick). If your know the answer to those questions then try to focus on those activities that you love, that you were built for. It should ground you and make you feel more connected to life.
You said that character takes time to change....
I disagree. Sometimes heo opportunity to make a change can be immediate. Epiphanies come and it's all about taking advantage of them. The end. I mean it's either that or choose not to do it...but then you'll just be running in circles till eventually ya do it anyway so why waste the time? You are having an epiphany, Linda. Your heart is telling you something important and you are trying to fix it with the tools you have onhand. Please do not limit yourself by making yourself believe it takes time. Maybe it will...but then again maybe it won't.
If you can isolate the behavior you don't like, and can will yourself to change it--then do it immediately. Cold Turkey that shit and move the fuck on.
In essence I really am quitting cold turkey. In my mind at least. Just hard to quit something like general kindness towards potential harm...is a tricky thing. Luckily, the tank of kindness is so close to empty, I either NEED to quit cold turkey and save what's left for people who are, for lack of a better word, "worthy", or figure out a way to replenish it...QUICKLY.
ReplyDeleteThose questions used to have answers. I used to know what I loved to do. What made me happy. Now I just think things make me happy and continue doing them without really knowing if it's fulfilling me. I'm recently stepping back and going over the inventory if things I do and seeing if I really like doing it or if I'm just going through the motions.
As far as what I'm built to do? NO IDEA. And maybe that's where I went wrong. I never figured that out.
I know what makes me tick lol it's a long list but at least I'm honest with myself.
It's a process.